What do women want?

By Hilary Bainemigisha 
baihiljoe@gmail.com

I want the person who decided that Kawempe elections be held in the month of women to step forward! I also want the guy who decided that the polling be so littered with violence to stand up. 

For every time someone is battered, there is a mother, alive or dead, whose eye sheds a tear. And every time a product of a mother’s womb inflicts pain on a product of another mother’s womb, we harvest two very painful tears from one eye. 

This is true; I’m old enough to comprehend these issues. In politics, we never can tell what individuals want by considering their face-value appeals. 

The standard gestures for a person begging for votes include begging, bribing and subjecting him or herself to all manner of humorous antics designed to induce laughter and entertainment. 

But, in Kawempe, some people did the opposite. They instead came with violence, guns, clobbering voters and generally being hostile. 

An investigation has been launched! Nevertheless, the prevailing question is: What does politics want? 

Unfortunately, this column doesn’t concern itself with politics; unless we want to muse about an equally inscrutable enigma: How many of you, men and women, know what a woman wants? 

What do women want? What is the best gift we can offer women as their gender opposites? 

I doubt if there is any man who walks through his entire life without asking himself this question. In every society, there is a common story. 

There is always that man who is esteemed so highly that several boys want to be like him when they grow up. 

Usually, his wife — who many in society think is lucky just to be married to him, will somehow be caught cheating on him. Then society will be like: What do women want? 

So, when we sacrifice our wants to make a damsel’s life easier and harvest such labels as useless, not caring and not being man enough, we ask: What do women want? 

You get a salary loan and buy a woman a car. You think that whenever she sits in it, it is you only that will be swimming in her blood. 

Then, she lacks fuel and you cannot help her out — for obviously after the loan recovery, your salary balance for some three years is just enough to keep breath in your lungs. 

In the end, the guy who buys fuel of sh50,000 becomes the darling of the day and you, who gave out a car of sh25m, a good-for-nothing partner! What do women want? 

You are too busy to pick up when she calls and, in anger, she refuses to talk to you for a week; even when she is putting on clothes you bought her at the time your own mother has just a couple of decent wear. 

Your father may even be needing some expensive diagnosis for his inscrutable ailment. 
You tell them you have no money because there is a lady you want to please. And, in the end, she doesn’t behave as if she is pleased! So, what do women want?

The answers 

THE ANSWERS Since men, generations over, have failed to answer this question, let us turn to women. I spent thousands of seconds asking them what they want from men. 

Guys, pick up your pens; here is what womenfolk want from you as a lover. I aggregated what featured most, made sense as reasonable and is completely affordable by all men. 

For most of it has no price tag. I must say the following do not exist in the order of their importance. I will spew them out as they line up on my tongue. 

Hilary Bainemigisha

Love: Many women said they want love in the way they perceive it. For women, love means care, public expression, admiration of their appearance and style, calling them endearing names, etc.

They want the world to see that there is a difference in the way you care about her from how you handle others. This care should be shown both privately and most especially, publicly. Notice their discomfort and do something to rectify it. Show care for their relatives and family.

Give: I knew this too without asking. Women feel loved when they are given. You may give as requested or expected, but you must also find times when you can just give money without being asked. For example, giving money without prescribing what it is for is different from giving because you are preparing to visit her parents.

There is some evolution sense in this yearning, because men evolved as providers and protectors. So, even when she doesn’t seem to be lacking, give. I am not the one who created you, male!

Leadership: I found this answer very edifying and on point. Women said they want a decisive man who will take a lead in problem-solving and decision-making, especially in times of trouble and anxiety. Women don’t want a man who looks lost, scared and equally baffled about a way forward.

They need to look up to you for confidence and dependability for future hope, security and confidence. It works easily when you are serious about investment, future security and family resources. They didn’t forget to say we have disappointed them most on this note. Because they are empowered, you think they also like to lead. No, they said, being led.

Consulting: A relationship has a lot of decision-making, and, as a man, the ladies will expect you to drive the bus. But, unlike your forefathers who acted without consulting your foremothers, the modern woman’s opinion matters. I agree; consulting is a sign of respect and trust. It pays to plan together. You may take the lead, but get her opinion and argument.

Respect and incorporate them in your next move. Surprises are good, but they should not include major decisions, such as property purchases, children’s names and career moves. Some husbands go for circumcision without consulting stakeholders, only to bring home wounds for nursing.

It is only logical that the principle user expresses her opinion on whether she needs it sharpened or as is. It reminds me of a housewarming I was invited to by a pastor. We were all happy for the couple. But the wife later told me she was mad that the husband didn’t consult her on the new house, its location, plan, interior, etc. She was just told: Pack our belongings; tomorrow we are going to our new house! She felt like one of the man’s children!

Honesty: Women also said they want honest and trustworthy men. And, I must say, this is the foundation of their frustration. They consider honesty and integrity good fertilisers of love and a key to rich harvests. Stand up all yee who qualify. It is common knowledge that humans — both women and men — are not a holy species,s and that is probably why God created them opaque.

They are incapable of living a sinless life. To stay as close to perfection as they can, they need a lot of energy, commitment and motivation. All these three are products of love. You may not always be honest, but you must be able to apologise for your inadequacy; that is also a sign of honesty. Apologise and promise to try and change for the sake of the relationship. That said, I must add a disclaimer as a counsellor. Being honest doesn’t mean being stupid.

Know what to keep under lock and key, especially things that can erode the relationship’s pillars. Sometimes, ‘nothing but the truth’ can be destructive. Be pragmatic; don’t give what can be toxic, and neither should you try to search for it on your woman. Baganda say if you research everything a chicken eats, you may never get an appetite for it again. 

Support: This is lastly because of space. But there are a lot more and I propose that we will handle them next week. Women said they want their husbands to give them support, especially in their moments of trial, problems, conflict, anxiety, etc. Even if it is just an ear, a shoulder, an embrace or a straightforward solution, practically or in advise, money or proposal; be that rock she can depend on.

Support should not end on what you can offer now, it must be stretched to her ambitions, investments and plans. Do this without discouraging her or feeling insecure about it. Women loathe men who try to bring them down, mock their efforts or pour cold water on their plans.

There will be times for criticism, of course, but it should be constructive and delivered in a supportive manner. Even when they make a mistake or find themselves on the wrong side of the law, social expectations or ethical guidelines, it shouldn’t be time for the husband to deploy public admonition. Women expect our support when everyone is looking, and later, when the public has retired, you can give your hard lessons.