Easter tip: How to lose by winning

By Hilary Bainemigisha
hilary@auntporridge.com

In most of my life as a journalist, I had to always think out a relevant theme for Easter in my columns of love. It is easy to imagine that after 20 years or so, I have run out of fodder to munch on. 

But not so my friends. I, too, surprise myself all the time. Take, for example, the great lesson I am brewing for you today as my Easter gift! I think I should have been a preacher. 

The man who dismissed me from the seminary did this world a great disservice! Fr Peter Kyarutaba, wherever you are, I will always sing discordant songs for you! Listen to this: according to the Christian narrative, when Jesus was being persecuted and killed, the JATT guys thought — no, believed they had won. 

The man who was claiming to be the messiah had been silenced! They had taken their time and turns to beat him, ridicule him, mock him and beat all the journalists in Calvary, Kawempe and other nearby regions. 

And the man who claimed miracles in his father’s name just succumbed without retaliating! What an easy win, they thought! They left Jesus dying on the cross, and returned home to their wives, claiming victory and bragging to their families about how their sword knows no rabbi claims. 

They washed off the blood and sweat, ate supper and took some wine to forget the face, cries and helplessness of the Jesus they had just destroyed. 

They probably had sexual relations also before they slept. It was great that their commander didn’t restrain them. Now they stood a higher chance of promotion, of being more feared by the public, and of eradicating the notorious Jesus movement. 

They were sure because their commander had been tweeting claims of his own greatness against the popular Jesus. 

So, who won? 

The Premiership table of that time showed them at the apex while Jesus and his team were relegated. Didn’t the disciples scatter in disarray? 

Then, something happened! How come we are celebrating Easter 2,000 years later, while the killers’ own descendants don’t even remember them? Does anyone here even remember their names? 

I told my friend, Longino, that the Roman soldier who speared Jesus on the cross was called Longinus. 

He refused to believe it, and he was right; the Bible doesn’t mention his name. You must be a Bible scholar or conversant with Christian literature to know this Roman commander’s name. 

It was mentioned in the Gospel of Nicodemus, which Roman emperor Constantine and his team refused to include in the Bible. But even I, who pursues knowledge with the thirst of a desert, know only one name, Longinus; not his father or his lineage. 

But Jesus, who was destroyed that day, is ubiquitous. Who doesn’t know Jesus Christ? So, how come that these victors of the day are all forgotten, but the victim, the vanquished loser they dispatched out of this life, is the one everyone knows? 

So, if we apply VAR [Video Assistant Referee ] to the ballot counting of that day, who is the winner?

The vanquished won! 

No, you don’t need to tell me; I already know the answer! That is why we are celebrating Easter this weekend. That is why most of us are believers in Christianity. 

And that is where our faith in the life after death emanates from. Jesus, the vanquished of that time, is the winner because we all look to eternity. 

We all yearn to live forever; that is why we have children, publish books, build social infrastructure and legacy so that we can live much longer in the minds of society. 
It means that it might only win in the short run. You win the war but lose the legacy.

Very often, losers declare victory, dance around their vain coronation and swell away, not knowing that time has a VAR, which never lies. 

The same thing happened to Kabaka Mwanga and the Uganda Martyrs, the soldiers who plundered Luwero and the authors of electoral violence in Uganda. 

These losers thought they had won, but history eventually de-horns them. And don’t sit there wondering when I became a preacher; don’t you see how my point is taking the last turn into your home? I am bringing it right into your bedroom!

Hilary Bainemigisha

Lessons for love

Many relationships turn sour because we are obsessed with winning. Either of the couple wants to win an argument, a priority, a decision, get an upper hand, and so on. 

Let me focus on winning (and losing) an argument as an example because it is one of the conflict spots in love relationships. Oh, boy; it is a big thing! Some people deploy all resources, including belittling, name-calling, feigning ignorance, claiming falsehoods and resorting to accusations to vulgarise sanity. 

They raise their voices, splash out saliva and even clinch their fists, among other things, to win an argument. Listen, you husband; I know males rarely measure up in presenting sober arguments during points of disagreement. 

We usually forget our own past positions, get offended by an apparent challenge to our assumed infallible leadership and lose patience easily. Our testosterone hormone and hierarchical nature urge us on to seek wins at all costs. 

Some of us do so at the risk of the relationship, either by painful abuse, rejecting the truth or even applying violence. Wives, too, must listen: You must be exhausted, seeing your brilliant ideas shot down by the macho man. 

Many could have harvested a slap or a threat for it, just because you expressed an opinion. The resilient end up giving their frustrated men a ticket to the arms of some more docile girlfriend. 

Those who let the man win end up pulling out of the practical partnership love brings. 
But even if you belong to the third group that is always pessimistic and thinking: “Oh, how can Dr Love know this? I don’t have to read this to tell how wrong his advice is!” Keep reading, please; there hasn’t been a great Easter gift ever in recent times! 

Winning in a relationship 

Here is the thing: We are raised to win. Winning is ingrained into who we are. From the tongue in our mouths to the appendix on our colon, nothing gets satisfied with losing. 

Our natural tendency is to be the best and to prove we are right. We want it our way; we find ourselves doing everything in our power to sway, twist and manipulate everything to get our short-term victory! Because it is love, the stakes are higher. 

Love is a profound investment! In it, we invest time, money, energy, emotions, life, opportunity cost and even the etc! Losing an argument seems to put us in a vanquished position within our own love investment. It is like a CEO being told to keep quiet; in his or her own investment! 

However, check out this Easter message and think again: How about letting Beloved feel like a winner for the sake of the future ambiance of the marriage? 

That urge to win can put your spouse in the position of an adversary, and you end up not seeing eye to eye, with no compromise, no middle ground and very many wounds from thorny pricks that characterise an argument process. 

Winning together  

But, really, you are not opponents, not enemies, not adversaries! Your spouse is supposed to be your biggest ally! It is actually your work to ensure that your spouse is always for you and always on your side. I am not saying you should always agree. 

In fact, when your date always agrees with you, they are not necessary; run for the hills. Don’t marry a person who doesn’t improve your ideas; two heads must be better than one. But remember, Jesus’ killers won the argument but lost the legacy. 

The preservation of love, peace, trust, partnership, and so on, in a marriage entails self-sacrifice! Small wins in arguments are not worth the risk of alienating a lover. The gold is in a compromise; it enables both of you to win. 

When one person wins, you both lose! You must find a way to lose the desire to be right or to have the upper hand. It is not easy, but who says marriage is for the weak? You will need to shift your mindset and focus on understanding, not winning. 

Prioritise the relationship, listen actively and learn conflict resolution strategies. Pray to God for this gift this Easter, because if He doesn’t give it to you, I will have to charge you when you come for counselling. 

I will show you how to turn conflict into a deeper marriage connection. But you can dodge the counselling by buying my book; that would actually be a wise move. 

But don’t allow Easter to fly past without a lesson for your family. It is time for resurrection, isn’t it?