RELATIONSHIPS | DOMESTIC VIOLENCE | ATWONGERE 

When we fail in marriages, people do not take a deep look at what happened, you are just looked at as a failure, and you feel ashamed to embrace what happened.  

Societal shaming has kept many women in abusive relationships. But you need to realise when things are failing that marriage is not for everyone, some people won’t even have children, it doesn’t mean they are failures.  

This is the advice Dora Lubega Atwongere wants society and every woman in an abusive relationship to understand.  

In 2014, Dora divorced her ex-husband after 19 years of being traditionally and legally married. 

She had to start a new journey with her four children from scratch.  

Her decision to walk away from the marriage was from a brutal experience suffered at the hand of her ex-husband that nearly killed her.  

About 25 years ago, Dora was tricked by her ex-husband into meeting him. She was running a small stall in the city (Kampala) which she depended on to feed her children and pay fees.  

“Even though I was struggling and was merely surviving, my ex-husband was bitter I had left our marriage. He tricked me with an offer of money to pay for the children’s fees. My third child had started school, I needed money. I was struggling with school fees payment, I thought his gesture to top up on the fees was nice,” she says.  

But what Dora didn’t know was that accepting this offer would be the worst mistake that would nearly end her life.  

“On that fateful when he called me to get the money, he told me I would have to go where he was. I was at the city center; the traffic was heavy around 6:30 pm. When I got to him he said he did not have his wallet, I have to sit in the car and go with him to get the money. There was a friend in the car. He jumps out and opens door and we drive off. That car would turn into my torture chamber.”  

As her ex-husband drove, he made a stop and his friend jumped off. My ex-husband remained at the front and I’m behind. He tells me his phone battery is down ‘can I take your phone’ I hand over my phone. I now had no phone.  

As he was driving I could tell he was not headed where he said we were going, he was going in circles to nowhere, and he kept changing where we were going. 

My ex-husband was up to something not good. Sensing danger, I said I have to go back to the shop and pick my bag, he said we will call they bring the bag.  

Reality soon hit me that I was in trouble, we ended up around Kampala club heading to fairway those roads are normally deserted and I knew I was in danger. He turned and packed on a secluded road and told me I was going to pay for leaving him and going with the children.  

I tried to put down the car window and scream for help but it was locked.  

Dora knew what was to come. It was not the first time her ex-husband had beaten her. He had been domestically violent in the marriage.  

She knew what had happened then and now she was in trouble again.  

She had to remain calm, it was not the time to panic, she had children she had to return to at home. At this point, she is pleading with her ex-husband to forgive her and not harm her.  

“He said you have other men you think you can have them and leave. I started assuring him I’m the mother of his children and if he is annoyed he should forgive me. He had a glass soda bottle. He started swinging it over my head.”  

At this point, Dora knew she was going to die. He decides to drive off again and park in a more secluded place. “This time he started hitting me with the bottle. I hid my face so he was hitting me on the back. I was crying, but then managed to get my head up and I saw people jogging, he decides to drive again.”  

Dora at this point is thinking of survival but the car doors and windows all can’t open. “As we are driving around upper kololo I’m praying to God to get out of danger. He parks on another isolated street. 

He removed his watch and shirt like he didn’t want evidence once he was done killing me.”  

But this is a man who was married to other women and had children with. “He is just too selfish why doesn’t he want me to move on,” was the thought through Dora’s mind.  

“I was looking at the bottle. I knew what it was going to do. When he came for it I picked it up first and hit him. It broke, but he didn’t seem hurt.”  

“I took one piece as he came to strangle me, to finish me off. I was punishing him off with all my strength everything, he would get to my neck I used half the bottle to poke his rib he reduced his grip but my face was cut.”  

It was around 8:00pm now, as he steadied himself and got ready to drive off again. Someone knocked on the car window. He was startled and jumped off his seat. I think the guard from office around was watching what’s happening from the CCTV camera, He called other guards saying a man was raping a woman.  

My ex-husband tried to drive away but they had guns and threatened to shot if he does. He started lamenting that I wanted to kill him instead. We were all apprehended and taken to police.  

Dora was extremely exhausted but relieved. Help had come. She was almost giving up fighting for her life as it seemed no one could hear her scream for help.   

Domestic violence continues to thrive in the country and the lockdowns imposed to curb the spread of the virus worsened the situation.  

For example, last year 17,664 domestic violence cases were reported to police, 1,359 cases were taken to court out of which 400 people got convicted, 864 cases were still pending in court and 6,207 cases were still under investigations. Dorah’s case happened much earlier. 

“I didn’t think I was going to get out of that situation alive. I could not talk as a result of the excessive assault and exhaustion. All I did was call my mother and brothers to come to my rescue,” Dora said. 

She tried to get justice for herself. But at the police she claims there was a lot of bribery, police released her ex-husband, nothing was being done to bring him to justice.  

They were advised to move the case to another police station which they did, the police officer in charge, was called Alex Wanzala put him in jail at least for the weekend but he got bond.  

Their case went to court but Dora was faced with the same dilemma she claims there was bribery too. “The initial case was attempted murder but the case was transferred to another court and turned into a domestic violence case.”  

The guard who has rescued Dora had been kind enough to testify in her case, even without her support. “I’m still looking for him we lost contact. He would incur his costs to come to court and testify. But the case was watered down.”  

Dora felt unsafe. Her ex-husband was out and continued to threaten her. She decided to leave the country. It has been six years. Dora now works as a licensed practicing nurse in the state of Virginia in USA.  

The root cause of the problem  

Dora completed University education in 2005, and she immediately got married after graduation. She was 24 and he was 28 years old.  

“I did not have time to know myself and exploit my potential. I moved from my parent’s care to the care of a man, my expectations were high we were not just girlfriend and boyfriend but married,” she says.  

Dora pursued a Bachelor of Arts (Education) thereafter she did a Master in Public Education and Management but she never worked a single day.  

Her ex-husband didn’t have much formal education, he was a businessman, a real estate dealer and had a lot of money.  

He was possessive, he never wanted me to work, he wanted me as a housewife it was the beginning of our problems. I would tell my father. He was told to at least start for me a family business perhaps a supermarket where he could pop in at any time to check on me, he kept promising but never kept his word.  

“I could not just be a housewife, that was out. It wasn’t in my nature and I could not accept it.” she left the marriage because of the emotional abuse that came with being dependent on her husband, he would cheat on her and also abuse her domestically.  

Hard on children  

The estranged couple have four children, the eldest being twins a girl and a boy at 16 years old now, the other child is an 11-year-old boy and the last child is an eight-year-old girl.  

From being married, and living in a big house, Dora ended up living in a single room with her sister with all her children. 

Her children from having a father had no father. They were visibly confused.  

“When my eldest children were going to sit for P7 exams they wished for their father to visit them at school or at least send them a success card. I reached out to him. He promised to make their wish come true, he didn’t keep his promise. It was heartbreaking. But I saw it coming.”  

“When I left the eldest twins were in P4. I have never seen my children since I left six years ago. it’s painful but my strong support is my family my mother and two sisters take care of my children and it gives me peace. We talk daily on video calls, joke, play music socialize on phone they are strong children they know I want them to join me.” 

“Not having a mother and father is hard on them but they respected my decision after trying to figure out what happened.”  

“I forgave my ex-husband wholly. I don’t wish for a car to knock him dead or any worse. At the end of the day, he is still the father to my children. I want my children to be proud of him despite the pain he inflicted on me.”  

Finding a solution  

After the brutal near-death experience that left Dora with a disfigured face, traumatized and depressed, Dora yearned for a platform to heal and help single mothers air out their challenges and find comfort.  

In 2015, she started the Dorah Single mothers Foundation. It has a group of 98 single mothers.  

“We meet via a WhatsApp group and support each other when going through a traumatizing moment. We say it's ok, when struggling financially we encourage, when going through court we give moral support, we share stories and say it's ok you will make it. We provide a place of solace.”  

Dorah Single mothers Foundation last year established a physical office and this month we will be opening it up in the community in Kawempe an outskirt of Kampala.  

It’s a house Dora built from her savings and is dedicated to providing a home for single mothers, as she turns 40 years old.  

Today the foundation supports 120 single mothers in Kalule Zone in Kawempe. Hanifa Namsimbwa an administrator with the foundation says last year they empowered 27 single women in the office. They were taught to make craft shoes and received among other received psychosocial support.  

She explains the small number was because of the coronavirus pandemic. “We could only have a small number to be able to social distance,” she says.  

Sharon Katushabe the program manager of the foundation says the bigger goals is to have single mothers’ health and wellness is taken care of and to empower them socially economically and emotionally. “We mentor and also provide psychosocial support.”  

Dora explains “For long we only had a WhatsApp group. We go through stigmatization, financial constraints. Single mothers need love and support.”  

“If society ignores single mothers it only means we are killing their dream and that of their children who are future leaders, these children are innocent.”  

“We are not here to call people out of marriage but to find a solution to the problem. We are already there now some communities know they can do better,” she says.  

Moving on  

Dora says to the single mothers “If you feel ready economically, socially, and emotionally to get married t you can go ahead. So far, the foundation has got one member who remarried.  

“She is independent, can look after her children. She doesn’t have to be dependent on the man to have a successful marriage, a lot of things have changed women have progressed? Will it bar them to have a successful marriage?  

Some men out there understand the benefits of having such a woman she compliments what you provide.  

But you find she is a CEO and having relationship issues. If men can’t have us for who we are, then why are we struggling to go to school? Understand and accept us fully.  

The solution is training young girls and boys to be better, prepare them before they get married.  

It is a responsibility for all of us, the mothers, fathers, community, cultural and religious institutions to shoulder, to have good marriages.  

Advice to single mothers  

Know who you are and your worth, says Dora to single mothers out there who have walked out of abusive relationships/marriages.  

“Believe in yourself, focus on what you want, believe in your strength and weaknesses. We can never be the same, we can’t copy each other and we have different destinies. Know who you are and your worth that’s your strength, you are going to live to your full potential.”  

“If you understand who you are you can move faster. Work ton yourself, have dedication, hope, faith, and respect everyone regardless of their status and you will make it in this world,” Dora advised.