When should a baby leave your bed?

Dawn Kirabo had her baby in her late thirties. She had given up all hope because she had tried time and again to conceive with no success. Therefore, the joy of a missed period had no bounds and when she took her baby home from the hospital, she put him in her bed.

"I had been given a beautiful baby cot as a gift from my sister, but the caesarean section scar was very painful whenever I tried to sit up at night to reach for baby and breastfeed him so I moved him into my bed," she narrates.

"That way, whenever he needed to breastfeed, I just had to roll over and position him. However, I put him in a baby comforter to create a boundary," she adds.

Months turned into years and now three years later, Kirabo still shares a bed with her son.

"I have tried to move him to his own bed, but he refuses and I am a single mother anyway, so I do not see the reason I should insist," she says defensively.

Asked how she has tried, she says, "I put him in his cot when he was five months, but one afternoon, he fell out when he woke up from an afternoon nap. I was so scared, I put him back in my bed. I was not about to lose my child over moving him to another bed! He will move when he is ready!" she concludes.

However, for Rita Nakiryowa Kinobe, the story is different. She has four children and each has been in their own bed since birth.

"I am a heavy sleeper, so I was always afraid to let the baby sleep in my bed in case I rolled over them. The few times they slept in my bed, I was too anxious to sleep well so that is why in my home it is:  ‘straight from the hospital into their own cot'," she explains.

Kinobe has no method for moving the children, but when she realises they can sleep through the night, the cot is moved to the children's room. Her firstborn was moved to his room at six months, the second at two weeks, the third at four months, and the last, even before he could sleep through the night.

So what is it about moving the baby out of the bed that makes it such a big deal?

According to Susan Nalwoga, aka ‘Aunty Sue', a clinical psychologist, when the child is in the womb there is a great bond between it and the mother.

"It is what we refer to in child development as the bind between the baby and the biologically connected caretaker. When they breastfeed, the baby knows there is a biological caretaker to meet its needs and come to their rescue whenever they cry. So babies do not want to leave the warmth of their mothers.

"But as a mother, it is very important to give the baby some independence. Let the child be out of your bed almost the second week or perhaps in a baby cot in your room. Move them out of your bedroom at two months and in so doing, you are giving this child a sense of independence and identity," Nalwoga advises.

She dispels the fear that a mother can forget to meet the needs of their child just because they are not in the same bed or in the same room at night.

"To begin with, nature causes breast milk to leak whenever the baby is crying, effectively alerting the mother. Most mothers leave their bedroom door open so that they can hear the baby or those who can afford to get baby monitors. Therefore, the baby does not easily realise that the mother is not in close proximity because she anticipates the need and goes to attend to it immediately," she explains.

A baby overstaying in its parent's bed has many disadvantages, the most prominent being friction between husband and wife.

"Some fathers get jealous of their babies because they feel ignored. They do not fully comprehend the strength of the bond between mother and baby since they do not carry the pregnancy," she says.

Also, a baby in the bed can be in danger of being rolled over and suffocated to death by either parent.  

Nalwoga adds that if a child is not given a sense of independence, they tend to get overprotective, but it is never too late to start. There are ways around it if it seems like an uphill task moving your baby out of your bed.

In case the child will not go to bed willingly:

Make their bed appealing. You could add colours or pictures or their favourite cartoons to lure them. Use bedsheets with friendly cartoon characters they like for example.

Reward them when they make the move willingly to encourage them.

Make a routine by setting their bedtime at a particular hour.

Be patient with yourself. When the child leaves their bed to come back to yours, gently take them back and tuck them in. Practice makes perfect.

Be consistent. Do not let one failed attempt discourage you. With time, the child will learn that they are supposed to sleep in their own bed.