When children run from their parents

It is common to hear parents complain that they cannot get through to their children. This is how you can manage this growing problem.

Ever entered your living room and your children take off? That is the problem Barbara Nakabugo is facing. "It is like my husband and I are not their parents. Sometimes I am in the kitchen when they are cracking jokes and laughing, then I want to join in. But the moment you enter, they change topics and go quiet. One by one, they start walking out stealthily until you find you are alone.

"The next thing you know, they are laughing in their bedrooms. We are at a loss, we want to talk to these children, joke and laugh with them, but we do not know how," confides Nakabugo.

For some parents, however, it is even more complicated with younger children. Dennis Odongo has a sixyear-old daughter who is a chatterbox, but not with her daddy.

"It seems like I bore her. She seems to prefer to talk to her grandmother, and everyone else, not me. It breaks my heart," says Odongo. "There are times I think maybe it is my deep voice that scares her off. But the moment I ask for something, she will just keep mum," Odongo says.

It seems getting a child to freely talk to you does not always come naturally. Parenting experts say there are several mistakes parents make while talking to their children.



TALKING TOO MUCH

The worst mistake we make as parents is talking too much. "When parents go on and on, children tune them out," says Prudence Atukunda, a psychiatric trainee with Butabika Hospital.

Atukunda says the child's brain can only take in very little, especially if it is a boring subject. "It is not necessary to tell the child all the information at once. Rather, break it up into separate steps to be more digestible, say through a story. Let the child express himself first, and you answer them in a short and somber tone," says Atukunda.

NAGGING WARNINGS  

Most parents are familiar with the early morning rush to get everybody out of the door on time, along with their packed juice, snacks and books. But for Patra, this is a nightmare.

"The child wakes up and he is thinking of his toy car. You tell him we are getting late and he just looks at you, no matter how much you scream in his ears or reprimand him. It is frustrating," says Patra. 

As a busy parent, Patra says she feels like she has lost control and tries desperately to regain control by nagging or criticising. This has become her everyday song: "I told you to get ready and you're still dillydallying. We are late! Go and brush your teeth and put your uniform on." Ten minutes later: "Where is your backpack? And you have not finished dressing. We are going to be late." And this goes on for another 20 or so minutes.

But Atukunda says the problem with this kind of nagging is that you are actually training children to ignore you because they know there will be more reminders down the road. The tone is also negative and intrusive, which is likely to create resentment and resistance or aggression.

"You would be surprised if you tell them, ‘a good boy goes to school on time' and they actually get up. Warn them and they will not move an inch," says Atukunda.

Experts say while very young children may need more assistance and instruction, children who are over eight years old should be allowed to take on responsibility as they grow older. For instance, allow them to polish their shoes and commend them, instead of telling them how badly they have polished the shoes.

USING GUILT

Many times, parents, are both busy trying to make a living. At the end of the day they get home, tired to the bone and end up shifting the guilt of being too busy to the children. Here is an example: "By the time I left the house, I told you all to tidy up your bedroom, but it is still disorganised. Don't you see I am busy and tired working so that you guys can survive? Do you know how I get all your school fees?"  Laura Aryaijuka, a sociologist and lecturer at Kyambogo University, says this parent is resentful.

"Her communication is full of blame and they will not empathise," she says. "Make it clear that it is unacceptable to be lazy, without apportioning blame." 

TALKING TO TEENS

Know what your child wants. Most teenagers need to know that they are loved unconditionally, valued by someone else and know their significance in life. Do not throw it in their face that you are their parent.

Talk with your child as if it is a conversation with your colleague. Make it simple. Do not command the child if you are talking to him/her. Be approachable and friendly. When you are always tough, without a smile  or a joke, you will scare the children away.

Listen and listen to his/her  worries, work, and thoughts among others. Keep their secrets. Maybe they told you about a crush on a girl? Keep it to yourself. Avoid discussing any differences between you and your partner with your child; if you do, it will make a child know that she is not secure thinking that the family will soon break apart.

If it is about discipline, show what your child's behaviour did to you and how it made you feel. Make time for each child alone; talk with your child at your own time and he or she feels comfortable.

The two of you can move to the bedroom for confidentiality. It makes children feel loved that they can confide in someone at home. Have a good relationship as father and mother; if things are not fine it affects the child. 



HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH KIDS

• Start early to talk to your child with stories. Do not wait for the child to turn 12 to have time to chat with them.

• Ensure you listen and answer everything a parent asks. By seven, children hear about sex, drugs, peer pressure, smoking, homosexuality and lesbianism, and are forced to cope with tough issues at increasingly earlier ages. Many girls are starting their periods as early as 10. So there is a lot to cover and lessons should be gradual.

• Initiate conversations with your child. While some children will ask you questions, others need you to start the conversation. You might even start in form of a story.

• Watching TV together? Listen to what the child has to say about anything; this is an opportune moment to talk more about it.

• Try not to overreact when your 10-year-old asks something you least expect, like what sex is. Just ask what they really want to know, and answer as clearly and honestly as you can.

• Try to be honest; whatever your child's age, he or she deserves an honest answer — it strengthens his or her ability to trust. If you do not give him or her a complete answer, they will make one up, which may be more frightening than the truth.

ADULT CHILD

• Make an effort to learn your child's schedule and find out when are good times for her to chat or have a lunch date.
• Talk about all sorts of subjects with your child without any bias. Issues like politics, religion, without devolving into arguing, do not bring those topics up. If they arise, gently change the subject
• Respect the fact that your child is now an adult who may consider certain parts of his life, like finances or romance, private. Do not push for any issues if he has made it clear they are off-limits for discussion.