What the radio station says about your taxi driver

We, users of pubic transport always find ourselves listening to radio stations we did not even know existed.

 

When you enter a Ugandan taxi, you are forced to listen to whatever station your taxi driver finds most entertaining. Few read their clientele well enough to cater to their listening needs. 

 

 

So, what does that usually on-loud-for-all-14-passengers-to-hear radio station say about your taxi driver? The Kampala Sun reveals, 

 

If your taxi driver listens to Ddembe FM, they probably have loose morals, love Justine Nantume's endless innuendos and think Bina Baibe is the epitome of creation. This taxi driver is the kind who will pick up their phone while driving like it is the most normal thing in the world. 

 

They will have a double-edged response to everything you say and will hiss at every girl along the way. 

 

They only obey traffic rules when there is an officer in sight and often time do not have a driving permit.

 

 

This taxi driver is most probably from the Masaka area and thinks crossing Lwera is a major milestone to brag about when others are talking about their multibillion shilling accomplishments.

 

He knows the value of grasshoppers, finds food pilots (those women who vend food in the taxi park) attractive, and is someone who will do anything for money. He came to the city to make money and that is all there is to his life. 

 

He will call you by your surname and should he meet someone he knows; he will comfortably stop the taxi to tell them about Mwami Sekiziyivu who succumbed to puleesa two years back.

 

He loves the Buganda Kingdom and probably has a flag flying in the front of his taxi. His taxi is also most likely to have lamentations… those writings at the back that are as funny as they are sad.

 

 

 

This one is almost always Muslim and lives for conspiracy theories and other unfounded claims about the country and world at large. He lets those in the Pearl FM studios do the thinking for him and will take what is said as gospel truth.

 

His point of view is shaped by the station and he would rather lose a hand than admit there is another side to whatever facts were broadcast.

 

He had dreams and hopes, but now those dreams are memories. He probably grew up in the 1980s and songs played on Radio One remind him of a time when 15k could buy you the world. 

 

He is usually calm and thoughtful, the kind who will not fight a passenger over sh500. He dresses smartly and if you met him outside of his taxi, you would not think driving passengers around all day is what he does for a living. This taxi driver always behaves maturely and looks.

 

 

He started listening to this station while still in the village and cannot change. He is jolly, very talkative, and as spastic as they come. 

 

Even when in his 40s, he will try to dress and behave like a 20-year-old. This is the kind of person who can listen to a song on repeat for the whole day and not get nauseated.

 

This taxi driver is a Bible-slapping Pentecostal, who speaks in tongues although Luganda is the only language he actually speaks. 

 

He believes in tithing and will put the lunch hour fellowship on full blast like his religion is the state religion. 

 

He has been through a lot, enough to get him to a point where songs of praise are his only solace.

 

He sees nothing wrong with street preaching and will even encourage street preachers to continue doing what KCCA would term noise pollution.

 

This taxi driver probably has a designated native doctor on speed dial. This station has so many harrowing tales and your taxi driver thinks misery makes for good entertainment. 

 

He will proudly attest to the power of his native doctor and his first response to any problem is empewo zekika. 

 

He is the kind of driver, who in the midst of an argument with anyone, will ask them if they know where he comes from, a line meant to scare the opponent into submission. You should not be shocked when you find items you do not really understand in this man's taxi.

 

 

This is definitely a taxi plying the Ntinda route. This taxi driver is probably a high school dropout, speaks fairly good English and is desperately trying to hold on to a time when they were thought to be cool. 

 

He understands his clientele; thinks all people residing along his route prefer English centric stations and will go out of his way to make sure they are comfortable.

 

This taxi driver is the kind who religiously reads the ssenga column in Bukedde newspaper and knows a thing or two on how to solve erectile dysfunction issues. He proudly and publicly chews his coffee and omulondo because there is nothing wrong with always being prepared.

 

This taxi driver loves local sports and could even tell you who won ekigwo gumbya in 2010.

 

He is proud of the Luganda language and is one of those who will stop the English speaking from getting into his taxi because they will confuse him. 

 

He has a sister who operates a shop in Kiyembe and another sister who dreams of one day making the cover of the ssenga pullout. This taxi driver is jolly and has comebacks that make posting gold on the Taxi Tales page.

 

 

This is not a taxi driver; he is just a university student doing research on the public transport sector or a corporate who owns a taxi and has decided to take it for a spin to ascertain whether the returns he has been getting from Muzamiru are genuine.