Many men fail to commit in relationships fearing to end up with the wrong Partner for life. How would you tell Mrs right? Dr love tips young men
You have dated this girl for a while and, no doubt, you believe she is the embodiment of all things lovely and she is the most beautiful woman you have ever set your eyes on. Your friends are envious. You have even stopped looking at other women. So, is it time for you to pop the question?
You have seen many of your friends walk down the aisle and a few months down the road, they are back on the market, swearing never to fall into that "trap" called marriage again. Love, good looks and great sexual chemistry are not enough anymore. So, what is there left to look out for in a marriage partner? When can you confi dently get on your knee and ask your girl to be your life partner?
We tasked the love doctor, Hilary Bainemigisha, with explaining this marriage partner concept and he made it sound so simple.
"Just figure out if she adds value to your life. If the answer is yes, then you are good to go," he said.
He further explains that men look for value in various aspects, including material and social.
"Is she developmental? Does she inspire you to be the best version of yourself possible? Does she improve your social value in that your association with her will improve your social standing? These are some of the questions you will need to think about before asking for her hand in marriage," he explains.
Bainemigisha further says evolution psychology has the answer to this ‘value-addition' phenomenon. Apparently, attraction is genetic. We are each born with some weak or missing genetic components which we then psychologically identify in our future partners.
"You are attracted to what you lack, but have identified in another person. It is a survival mechanism for humans, which ensures that you create genetically superior offspring in terms of beauty, intelligence or health," Bainemigisha says.
He says subconsciously, your five senses identify the genes in an individual and this arouses attraction in you.
"That is why you will be attracted to someone, but your friends will wonder what you see in her. Your genes have identified something in her that you need," he explains.
But away from the subconscious, what other things can you look out for that will help you make a good decision in a life partner?
She is into partnership
Does she look out for you or is she still behaving like her life is only about herself? If you notice that she is thinking of and planning for the two of you, then you might want to build on this and cement the relationship.
"When you notice signs of partnership in her, know she is a keeper. She should freely share information and ideas, be interested in telling you what projects she is working on, consult and genuinely seek your opinion. This shows that she looks at the two of you as partners," Bainemigisha said.
You two can talk about anything
You should be at a point of no pretense, where you are comfortable and enjoy her company and feel free to discuss anything.
You find yourself opening up to her and trust her not to laugh at you or think less of you. You trust her to understand where you are coming from and to help you make sense of life and everything. "If she's your confidant, she can be your wife," Bainemigisha says.
She likes you for who you are
You know the old adage that women get married to men thinking they will change them? Well, the fact that men never change is also as old as the adage itself.
"If she is not bad-mouthing my boys, overly concerned about my small salary, laughs at my jokes and is encouraging of my hustle, then that is the woman to walk down the aisle with," says Edson Atuhaire, a banker. "Love aside, it is important for the two of you to like each other; be friends. This will help you be kind to each other, even when tough times come during the marriage," Bainemigisha says.
You want her to meet your mother
First, your mother's opinion matters to you, and if you really care about a girl, you will want your mum to like her too, Bainemigisha says.
Secondly, it suggests that you want to show her off to your family and friends, which would not occur to you if you did not think she was worth more than a fling. "But most importantly, it is a sign that you see her as part of your future."
Bainemigisha advises that ultimately, marriage should be a lifetime commitment and it is imperative that the couple be as sure as it is humanly possible. So, if you want to find a wife, get to know her well enough, just like she needs to know you. But remember that no one is perfect and it is important that you learn to understand that people have faults.
Your family love her
Friends are chosen but family is made. She is about to go from being just a friend to being family. You want her to blend into your already existing family. See how she interacts with them and how they respond to her. This is a small reflection of what the future holds.
"You want someone who loves your people and whom your people are comfortable with. You are bringing her into the family so you should ensure she is a good fit," Bainemigisha advises.
She speaks her mind but compliments you in an argument
A woman's ability to hold her own in an argument is vital because, of course, you will disagree at times and you need to be able to handle conflict.
Bainemigisha explains that if you want a healthy relationship, allow each other a voice; hear each other out and do not bear grudges.
"A woman who can stand up for herself in a witty and courteous manner is a woman with self-respect," he says, adding: "but she should be amiable and have your back in public even if she later confesses that she doesn't entirely agree with you; at least you will know her allegiance lies with you."
She handles tough situations
She has matured enough to handle the challenges that come with marriage, which are being a wife and mother.
"When you are both able to talk about a tough situation and she advises and helps find a way out of problems, you have found the right person," Collin Otim, a businessman says. According to him, the ‘just girlfriend' type has no time for drama and is only interested in good times.
She understands when you are broke
You know how they always say the biggest problems in marriage have something to do with money. And for sure, you may get the girlfriend with your money but you may not always have the money to keep her.
"If you cannot afford to buy her a gift and she understands, set the wedding date," Otim says. In marriage, you will have many other things to spend on.
It is important that you identify someone who can handle this," he says, adding that she has got to do more encouraging than sulking. "If all she does is depend on you, she can only be a girlfriend."
What women think are qualities of a good wife
Diana Mbabaali, a businesswoman
A good wife is a good listener, submissive and a good communicator to her husband. Men dislike women without the mentioned character traits.
Rose Maate, a businesswoman
A good wife should be a good communicator, be loving and trustworthy. She should be hard working so as to contribute to the development of the home.
Janet Omita, teacher
A good wife is that one who is smart, both in appearance and in the brain. A wife should, therefore, be hardworking, creative and add be able to add value to her home. She should not only wear nice clothes without giving any contribution to the development of the home.
Anne Isalote, a pharmacist
A good wife is one who is humble and obedient to her husband.
She also prays for and with her family, always. There are many challenges in marriage, but prayer can solve all of them.
Harriet Mwanja, administrator
A good wife should be a good listener, loving and submissive to her husband. She should be trustworthy and, above all, God-fearing. Being able to develop a home is a crucial qualification.
Qualities men look out for in a good wife
Emmanuel Nsubuga, Evangelist
Men want God-fearing women, who are submissive and respectful.
She should be supportive in developing the family, love her husband and should be tidy.
Solomon Kayiwa Mugambe, an administrator
A good marriage partner is one who is selfless, trustworthy, a good listener and has good ambitions for her home. In addition, this good marriage partner should have respect and love to her husband.
Byron Luswata, IT expert
A good wife should be a good listener, understanding, trustworthy, hardworking and prayerful because, although the man is the head of the family, the woman has the biggest support behind the man.
Peter Lwanaweetase, teacher
I would look out for one who will stand with me in all situations, whether good or bad because this shows that she is determined to be with me. A good marriage partner is one who is a hardworking and brings development in a home.
Daniel Kasaato, a businessman
A wife should be God-fearing and prayerful. No man wants an extravagant and lazy woman because they are not developmental. As a man, I cannot stand a woman who is not loving and untrustworthy.