My stepdad defiled, impregnated me but mum is still bitter at me

Joyce (not real name) will turn 18 years old soon but she has not had any real fun in her life.

Her mother became pregnant at 17 when she was working as a maid. As a result, she lost her job and the man responsible for the pregnancy ran off to his home area in Kiboga district. Joyce has grown up not knowing who her father is.

Pushed to the very edge, her mother worked tirelessly in different markets to prepare for her unborn child (Joyce). Several months later, when little Joyce turned two, her mum settled in with a bodaboda motorcyclist in a two-room rented house.

They have since had seven children together, including two girls.

Joyce's mother struggled to see that her first-born child got an education. "She always felt that good education was the only way to help Joyce escape the life she herself had gone through," said a relative.

Misfortune comes knocking

Every day, Joyce's mother left home very early in the morning to search for maize that she could roast for sale. Her husband was irresponsible and unsupportive. And according to relatives, he was unfaithful to her.

Worse still, he reportedly sexually abused his daughters, including his step-child Joyce.

Close family say Joyce's mother was the strict type and so none of her daughters were brave enough to report to her what their father was doing to them. But it was just a matter of time for the truth to wriggle its way up to the surface.

Joyce became pregnant at 16 just after she had joined Senior One. Her step-father was responsible. He had defiled her. He had impregnated her. He had ruined her life.

Her mother was livid at her - having sacrificed so much to see her through school. When her pregnancy was a secret no more, Joyce's two step-sisters aged 12 and 14 came out to point the blame finger at their father for sexually abusing them too.

Their mother, according to relatives, seemed so angry with Joyce's pregnancy that she contemplated suicide. Later, she wanted Joyce out of their house. At the time, the 12-year-old daughter was taken to Mulago Hospital for treatment after developing a fistula case. Other relatives meanwhile looked for a shelter for a devastated Joyce who needed counselling and every form of support imaginable but had no-one to do so.

"She narrated the torture she had gone through whenever her step-father defiled her but had nobody to run to for protection," said a relative.

Rescue, respite at last!

There was plenty of entertainment during the latest graduation ceremony at Wakisa

During this period of desperation, a good Samaritan recommended Wamukisa Youth Centre located at Kitala village near Kisubi along the Kampala-Entebbe road.

The centre cares for young mothers especially those who had been abandoned or chased away from their homes. The Patron of this centre Allen Sekadde (wife to Bishop Sekadde) explains that they look after them during pregnancy until they deliver.

"We help them receive antenatal care at Kisubi Hospital where they are prepared for safe delivery.  They are later resettled back into their families after birth where we talk to their parents or guardians to forgive them and accept them back as their children," she says.

At Wamukisa, the girls are trained in different life skills like tailoring, hair dressing and cookery which helps them become self-reliant after they go back home.

Recently, a group of these youths graduated at a ceremony that had the chief guest, state minister for primary education Rosemary Seninde call on parents to be merciful to their children especially at such a time.

"When these men ran away from them, it turns out to be the right time for these girls to need their mothers' shoulders to cry on. Stop chasing them away and instead stand by their side," urged Seninde.

The fresh graduates pose with their certificates in a group photo with state minister for primary education Rosemary Seninde

The students showcased the dividends of their training and stay at Wakisa

Joyce was among the 15 young women who graduated. Six of them got certificates in hairdressing while nine of them did tailoring courses where some designed bridal gowns that excited many guests. On show were the products of the many skills they had acquired.

Joyce's uncle had visited her at Wamukisa during her pregnancy and did so also after giving birth. He also appeared her graduation. But he was not alone. Joyce's mother showed up - rather reluctantly - for the ceremony of her child she had banished.

She made an appearance but turned dramatic when she refused to hold Joyce's baby, instead crying as soon as she looked at her daughter and grandchild.

Despite Joyce's uncle pleading with her to forgive her daughter, she blatantly said there was no way she could ever allow the baby into her home. This reaction broke many hearts, especially Joyce who had knelt all the while to beg for forgiveness from her mother.

(But dear reader, getting pregnant under the already mentioned circumstances was never the making of Joyce. She was a victim of defilement from her own step-father. And so her mother, bitter as she may have understandably been, needed to have eventually come to terms with this reality and understood as well as offered support for the now young mother.)

Unfortunately, Joyce's mother remained adamant. She will have to soon leave Wamukisa Centre but where will she go to start a new defining life?

That's exactly the dilemma she is facing.

 One of the fresh graduates at Wamukisa receives a start-up package during heir graduation ceremony

Friends suggested she gives out the baby to children's homes where she can be adopted by another family but she declined the idea. She says she loves her baby and that it is the reason she refused to abort when she was advised to do so by friends at school.

"I know it has complications when she grows up and asks for her father but I am willing to tell her the whole truth when she grows up instead of abandoning her," says the determined young mother.

She says if she had had other relatives to turn to, she wouldn't have wanted to go back to her mother's home. Joyce she is now building her own family - starting with her baby.

Entebbe Archdeacon Reverend Canon Jonathan Kisawuzi (chairman of board of directors at Wamukisa) says girls who are in between Senior One and Senior Three are the most vulnerable. "Many of them hear sweet words from lustful men for the first time yet no-one comes out to tell them about the dangers of early pregnancy."

He advises parents to give these girls another chance at life as becoming pregnant is not the end of the world.

WHAT OTHERS SAY

Victoria Nalongo Namusisi (director of Bright Kids-Uganda)

Yes we all need disciplined kids but that does not come out of being too harsh. As a mother myself, I always tried to be a friend first to my kids and later Maama. When you do things you know warrant my looking at you from the corner of my eyes before visitors, you know what will happen when they leave.

However, I never ceased sharing with them the challenges I always faced as a teenager growing up. This way, they found it easy opening up to me. That said, I think this baby for sure does not belong in that house, otherwise the child be a source of bad blood and a constant reminder of the evil act of Joyce's step-father.

[She then goes prophetic] What's happening to our society now makes me think the world is about to come to an end and we better prepare to meet our Creator!

Tabitha Ssuubi (program officer, Raising Voices)

In no circumstances whatsoever should a child be blamed for being sexually abused or violated in any way. By their nature, children are vulnerable and so they need to be protected against abuse at all times. When children report that they have been sexually abused, our response should be firm on investigating the case, prosecuting the perpetrator and rehabilitating the child rather than doubting or blaming them.

Parents need to build healthy trusting relationships with their children such that they can feel free and confident to report sexual violence and other forms of abuse in case they happen. Many cases of sexual abuse are not reported by children because they don't trust the adults around them. As this case shows, the child perhaps feared that the mother would not believe her. When parents use corporal punishment to discipline and guide their children, they damage the relationship. They create fear in their children and they end up holding back vital information because they are afraid of the repercussions.

Instead, we should positively discipline our children using ways that help them to be confident, assertive and learn from their mistakes. In this scenario, it is okay for this girl to remain with her child because she is the mother and she wants to keep her child. However, the Home for Young Mums that is currently taking care of the girl together with other stakeholders like the probation and welfare officer can explore alternative ways of resettling this girl.

For example, they can explore the possibility of finding a relative that can support the girl as they continue to help her. As Raising Voices, we applaud the Home for Young Mums for providing a safe space and care to young girls burdened by unwanted pregnancies. We advocate and strive towards the prevention of violence against children in Uganda. We strongly encourage parents, teachers and other child caregivers to create healthy relationships with children.

Rebecca Araba (police officer at Naguru)

Unfortunately, this child-mother is a victim of both her mother and step-father. She is 100% right not to give her child up for adoption. She must be helped to raise her child because she has already bonded. This baby gives her a smile. She will be mentally affected if the child is taken - the type of mental retardation which may go unnoticed till she commits a felony (serious crime) in the future.

I respect her opinion because that baby is her only smile. Her biological father is not in the picture. The person you call a father is the one who has done this abomination. There is more surrounding her life than being impregnated by her stepfather. Her mother, being tough, could be the reason why she feared to report her being sexually abused by the stepfather. Furthermore, her step sisters went through the same experience. The only difference is that they did not become pregnant. This implies that their mother lacked parenting skills (e.g. bonding with them, listening keenly to them and giving appropriate answers.) If you disagree with what they say, propose or suggest something, don't rubbish their opinions completely. She (Joyce's mother) did not have any appropriate time for the girls, which led to fear. She is a stranger to her daughters and not a mother.

She took all her time to please the husband and neglected the daughters. This implies that, in her mind, the children are not a priority. She wanted to commit suicide because what she had invested in turned out to be a wolf and I am sure she is being blamed for not noticing the relationship between the three girls and her husband. This also implies that she did not know the person she called a husband. Where and how (under which circumstances) did the couple first meet? Let the girl ask the mother why she retained her in her husband's home. The mother should be put to task to take her to her clan because she still has a life to live.

Henry Nickson Ogwal (fundraising director, Action Aid Uganda)

It is very sad that cases like these are very many in our country yet most of them go unreported, with the perpetrators never facing justice. The girl child survivors of these very despicable forms of gender-based violence suffer double injustice - being blamed and being chased away from home.

It is critical that homes that take care of pregnant teenage girls run integrated services with strong networks of referral technical support institutions. For instance, this girl requires psychosocial counselling and legal aid to enable her make informed decisions including seeking justice and facilitate intermediation with her mother to accept her back home.

Some of these services are provided at the Shelters for Survivors Gender Based Violence run by Action Aid Uganda and MIFUMI. The shelter has close working relationship with Child and Family Protection Unit of the Uganda Police Force, the Courts and Ministry of Gender, Labour and Social Development. More technical and personalised counselling and support can be sought by her and many in her situation. In case she requires support, she can call Action Aid Uganda to be guided to the nearest point of support.