Hi, my name is...

By Timothy Bukumunhe

I do stand to be corrected on this topic, but in one of the small islands near Australia — New Zealand that is — whose only contribution to civilisation has been rearing large tracks of lamb farms and being extremely good at rugby and cricket.

“So what?” I said to myself once I had completed the intro to this Sunday tale.

Well, in New Zealand, there is a government department known as the Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages and you really do not have to be a pit latrine digger to figure out the nature of the work they do. But the people who work in the births department are not an easy bunch of women and men, for in New Zealand, the given name to a baby must first be approved by them.

It is the law!

Since 2001, the name King has been attempted 32 times, Lucifer six times and Duke 10.

Since 1995, legislation has provided a set of rules for acceptable names for New Zealanders where “a name, or combination of names, should not cause offence, be unreasonably long or resemble an official title or rank,” a spokesperson for New Zealand’s department of internal affairs tells me.

In 2008, a nine-year-old girl named “Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii” was put under New Zealand family court’s guardianship to change her name since it “makes a fool of the child,” the Guardian reports.

But not all outrageous names have been given the boot. Midnight Chardonnay, Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence have all been approved.
Here’s the list of New Zeeland’s banned names since 2001: Justice, King, Princess, Prince, Rol, Duke, Major, Bishop, Majesty, J, Lucifer, using brackets around middle names, Knight, Lady, using back slash between names, Judge, Royale, Messiah, T, I, Queen, II, Sir, III, Jr, E, V.
There is more. Justus, Master, Constable, Queen Victoria, Regal, Emperor, Christ, Juztice, 3rd, C J, G, Roman numerals III, plus General, Saint, Lord. (full stop),89, Eminence, M, VI, Mafia No Fear, 2nd, Majesti, Rogue, 4real:, (star symbol)

There is also 5th, S P, C, Sargent, Honour, D, Minister, MJ, Chief, Mr, V8, President, MC:1 Anal, A.J, ,Baron, L B, H-Q, and finally Queen V.

My daughters do not have conventional names like Nancy, Susan or Bridget, for example.

They have exotic names — Gaana and Natal. Jean Bageire, too, has a daughter called Mali. The football pundit Aldrine Nsubuga who scribbles on about sports in the paper, I think has a daughter named Anfield after the Liverpool football club stadium.

But better still, in my circles we have a friend call Anus Mzee — and this is no lie and seeing that Anal is on the list of the New Zealand banned names, there is a good chance that he changed his names from Anal to Anus so he could fit in.

There is a good chance that Mali, Gaana and Natal plus Anfield would have gotten away with those names had they been born in New Zealand, but spare a thought for that young Buganda royal. Her name is Sangalyambogo. No offence meant to her, but when I asked a couple of New Zealand friends what they thought of the name, they did not think it would pass the New Zealand laws, while others thought it was some kind of canned dog’s food!

And what about the man they call Ssebabi who was once voted Uganda’s ugliest man? Did his parents give that name because of his looks? I recall seeing him at Nakivubo Stadium and my response to his looks? I puked. But all is well for him, he has a vivacious wife and good looking children.

tbukumunhe.blogspot.com