I will stand my ground, the Ugandan edition

 

 

I do not have the qualifications to argue the merits of the case, whether Zimmerman was guilty or not. But as the US President, Barrack Hussein Obama, put it, the law did run its course. It may have been a bad law, but it was the law.

 

That’s why Bob Marley shot that sheriff whom he heard saying that ‘kill them before they grow’; he had reasonable cause to believe that Sheriff John Brown was going to shoot him, so he shot him first. 

 

In fact, the ‘stand my ground law’ has been made even easier in the state of Georgia, which is near Florida. In Georgia, to put it very simply, all you have to do is prove the other guy is black, then you can shoot him and claim self-defence. In legal speak: judges have “…accepted the race of a victim as evidence to establish the reasonableness of an individual’s fear in cases of justifiable homicide.”

 

Now just imagine for one minute that we have a ‘stand your ground law’ in Uganda, it would come in really handy because there are all kinds of nasty personalities I would get rid of.

 

Boda boda guys and taxi drivers would be top of the list, those blighters blatantly refuse to follow the law; so it would be within my rights to blow the head off that boda guy, because I believed he was going to break the law.

 

Any judge would accept my plea that I truly believed that taxi driver guy was going to create a third lane, that is why I took a baseball bat to his head.

 

We all know Permanent Secretaries are today’s really bad guys, remember that guy who dealt in bicycles that were never there, and lost us a lot of money?

 

Or the one in the Prime Minister’s Office who let everybody there help themselves to donor money? Next time I see a PS, I will stand my ground, with reasonable cause to believe he was going to steal our money, and run him over with that very expensive Mercedes he bought for his wife.

 

Any politician is fair game, because I can bet he is going to tell a lie, so I will stand my ground and send them to kingdom come. Members of Parliament are even more so, which judge would not believe that they are planning to raise their salaries, yet again? Going with that Georgian law, we just have to prove one is an MP, and boom! He is gone.

 

And that law will let us survive the likes of Ken Lukyamuzi, knowing he is going to stand for Parliament again is grounds enough to send him to his own private yam gardens. Did someone say Sebaggala wants to stand for office again?

 

That is almost an act of treason, against the interests of the country, so the ‘stand your ground’ law will come into effect, and away he goes to his own dreamland.

 

Let us move on to traffic police, especially those guys at the Ntinda-Nakawa junction, who for some reason believe that guys coming from Ntinda do not have any urgent business, and hold them up for long periods.

 

And also those at the Jinja Road traffic lights, who think they are smarter than computers and override the lights when the traffic gets really heavy. Let us stand our ground and make their white uniforms really dirty as we give them a dozen kiboko each. Poppy cock, absolute poppycock.

 

Many Ugandans use social media these days, but they are those really annoying orang-utans that repeat stale jokes ad nauseum on facebook, and repost them to different groups pretending they are the ones who came up with them.

 

Off with their heads I say, the blighters. Same to those guys who send you friend requests, but have a duck for a profile picture, and have a name like ‘Last Pope Standing,’ a pox on y’all.

 

What about those guys who, for no justifiable reason known to mankind, want Government to re-establish the defunct Uganda Airlines? We have poor roads, teachers and doctors are paid badly, but these sycophants want to spend billions of dollars to “be proud” we have a national airline. A pox on them, I say, and let us reserve a special place in hell for them. 

 

Anyone with a phone ringtone that is louder than a whisper is a threat to my life, and the next guy I meet talking on the top of his voice while on phone is getting a kick where it hurts most, as I stand my ground. You talk with food in your mouth? Here is some more, only it will go all over your head and shoulders, along with the drink you are having.

 

Lastly, if I meet anyone remotely resembling George Zimmerman around my hood, I will stand my ground, chase him round the bloc, and get a Chinese guy to strangle him for an hour till he is dead, knowing full well he plans to shoot me, just like he did poor little 17-year-old Trevor Martin.