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He pays the rent but never sleeps in my house

By Vision Reporter

Added 5th July 2013 04:32 PM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for six years now. He has a child with another woman, which does not bother me because they separated. He is financially stable and a good person.

He pays the rent but  never sleeps in my house

My boyfriend and I have been dating for six years now. He has a child with another woman, which does not bother me because they separated. He is financially stable and a good person.

Dear Counsellor,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for six years now. He has a child with another woman, which does not bother me because they separated. He is financially stable and a good person. 
 
He works up-country and comes to town once a month. He rented for me a house, but he never sleeps there, claiming he sleeps at his parents’ home. 
 
I am not convinced by this, given that he is 28 years old. This is bothering me and I am losing trust in him. 
 
However, I am afraid of confronting him because he is a mature person. What should I do?
 
Anonymous
 
Expert opinion:Visit him at his workplace to find out the truth
 
Dear Anonymous,
 
Your concerns regarding the current relationship with your boyfriend are justified, especially if you feel that your physical contact with him is curtailed. Six years of dating is not a short time and should have moved to another level considering the financial stability of your 28-year-old boyfriend.
 
The period of dating provides an opportunity for couples to share their feelings, expectations and rules of engagement as well as defining the direction of relationship. 
 
The expectation is that dating for six years should have brought the two of you closer or else it should have helped to determine whether or not you are compatible. If the two of you have used the six years of dating to build confidence and trust in each other, there should be no reason for you to get worried. However, your reaction to his inability to sleep in your house suggests a sense of suspicion in your relationship.  
 
Anonymous, you say your boyfriend has a child with another woman, but this does not bother you because they separated. You do not indicate the child’s age and the point at which the mother of the child separated with your boyfriend; neither do you indicate the circumstances that led to their separation. 
 
Getting an answer to these issues may help you figure out the probability of your boyfriend rekindling the relationship he had with the mother of his child or even establishing a new relationship with another woman. 
 
Not living in close proximity with your boyfriend poses real challenges as both of you will meet other individuals, who may interest each of you in a romantic way. This becomes even more challenging when the two of you do not maximise opportunities when you meet to bond further as a couple. 
 
There is no contradiction between your boyfriend sleeping at his parents’ place and also having quality time with you when he is available. Alternatively, you could visit him at his upcountry duty station. This will help you to know where he works and the people he interacts with.
 
Anonymous, your concerns about confronting your boyfriend are justified, not because of his age, but because confrontation as an approach in dealing with conflict in your relationship will be counterproductive. Instead what is required is effective communication. Good communication practised regularly can help to maintain any relationship.
 
You may wish to consider the following tips as tools of good communication: motivation and concern, willingness to disclose oneself, the ability to transmit messages clearly and using “I” statements and finally the use of feedback to clarify the message being put across. Giving a chance to your relationship with your boyfriend will become rewarding if there is improvement on your communication with each other. 
 
Understanding the circumstances under which he is working and also considering that he maintains contact with his family of origin may help you to appreciate that in all likelihood this man loves you. He may also be the type that wishes to wait until you are married before he can sleep in your house. 
 
Therefore, communicating with your boyfriend and understanding his point of view is critical to maintain a healthy relationship. 
 
Equally important is for him to understand your point of view and it is incumbent upon you to make this happen if you love him. Should you require more help seek one-on-one professional counselling from experts who are licensed by Uganda Counselling Association.

 

He pays the rent but never sleeps in my house

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