Where are the super fathers?

 

 

You get two toothpicks per eye, and pin them like pillars to separate the upper from the lower eyelids. The brain can sleep, but the eye will be open by force, thanks to the toothpick pillars. Ask Kajura; he probably was sleeping when I launched my toothpick solution, your aide in anything.

 

What toothpicks will not help you in is being a super father. Thanks to the dick, every male human being can be a father. I meant the dictionary. It defines Father as any male who has produced an offspring. That includes Kony whose children are broadcast all over Central Africa. Come Sunday, all of us, originators of the sperm that Bolted to the finishing line first will be lining up for recognition on Father’s Day. 

 

We are the men, who once asked our wives to ‘turn this way’, we put food on the table, pay fees, keep a whip in your bedroom corner, have the right to come home late — if we come at all and, to be able to pay fees on time, vote The Movement.

 

In many people’s minds, it is much easier to be a father. It is much equally easy to be anything. Being a good father is not a matter of course. We all have our failings but some are disasters. 

 

The only camouflage we have is our social obligation to keep family secrets, which hides sleeping fathers from real fathers. But I know how to smoke out good fathers from bad. There is a map that will not only show you where good fathers will usually gather but will also separate them into four layers of excellence. And if you are a father, spot your location.

 

Where are the super fathers? 

They are in hospitals! Yes, they are accompanying their children to see doctors. They actually sit in and, answer doctor’s questions about the child’s age, temperament, appetite, medical history and the premiership club they support. But if you hurry to hospitals right now, you will find many of the parents accompanying children to hospitals are mothers. 

 

Where are the fathers? Sometimes in the car outside reading newspapers, in bars watching football or — it could be worse — they can be at home disturbing the housegirl or with a take-away confessing how they preferred to be with her to taking their own children to hospital as a sign of great love. 

 

Do not frown! I know fathers who drive to drinking joints leaving their wives to struggle with sick children in taxis to hospital! Ask the doctors.

 

Fantastic fathers are also at children’s play centres over the weekend, swimming with them, cheering at bouncing castles, playing football or just being there encouraging their children to develop self-expression. 

 

These fathers often have, as their adult company, mothers, only because in this part of the world, fathers seem to be allergic to children leisure. Many provide money and sometimes drop them at leisure places promising to return and pick them.

 

Fabulous fathers are also at school events, cheering their children and interacting with their teachers. According to history, when I was still a goal keeper in my secondary school days, I never conceded a goal whenever my parents were around. 

 

I preferred to burst. Parental presence can be such a big motivation, but fathers do not know, or do not care. So school activities are dominated by mothers, who keep wondering how their own husbands can be changed into similar material that makes up the few fathers around.

 

Great fathers can also be found in hospital wards tending to their sick children. This is a tricky one! If there is a father who has ever allowed the mother to go to work as they keep watch over the admitted child, my hat is off for you.

 

These remarkable fathers have deputies; those who, at least, provide money for the above and fail to participate because they are too busy. That is not good enough, but hopefully, they are on the way to perfection. 

 

They are certainly better than fathers who are always too busy, but also too broke to facilitate the children’s leisure, hospital or school activities. There is worse; those who are neither busy nor able to facilitate the above. They even feel shy to be found near a bouncing castle cheering children unless the beer stall is placed close and they are too unsober to realise they are actually cheering children. 

 

Any questions? Hurry before some MPs wake up to join us on the dance floor. For all fathers, great, good, poor and worst, I wish you all a happy Fathers’ Day. There is always time for you to shape up. My wish is for a better report, come Fathers’ Day next year.