Why confront the other woman?

By Carol Ariba

Why  do we, especially women, tend to attack the other woman when we find out that our partners are having an affair? Suppose they have no idea he is taken. And so what if they do?

One Sunday evening, I received a phone call that really offended me. “Hello, this is Emily. Stay away from my boyfriend, you golddigger.  You are just wasting your time,” The voice on the other end screamed. I remember getting the phone off my ear and staring at the screen astounded and thinking it was a wrong number. I put it on loud speaker and listened on as this girl hurled insults and curses. I could not quite fathom what she was hoping to achieve by yelling at a total stranger without even ascertaining the facts.

When she finally stopped to breathe, I laughed and asked which guy she was talking about and if she knew who she was talking to. She nearly blew up into flames. It was so funny, confusing and insulting that I just burst out and laughed some more. I asked if we had met and she hurled more insults until she ran out of credit.

That phone call has since left me wondering what would have happened if she had physically confronted me. Not so long ago, I went to file a case for a missing document at Kitintale Police Station and found two women in tattered clothes. One woman’s skirt had been torn.

Their hair looked like an angry lion’s fur; it was obvious they had been in a cat fight. I later discovered that the reason was a man who had been relating with both of them. One accused the other of snatching her boyfriend and, apparently, the lady with the ‘newspaper top’ had been threatening the other over the phone.
 

The Police lady in charge asked where the man was and they pointed to a suave fellow cracking jokes on the phone, completely uninterested. She asked the women how long either of them had been with him. One said two years, the other eight months. The latter said he had approached her, claiming he was not happy with the first one and, in fact, they were separated.
 

On hearing that, the other woman snapped and was getting violent again. She claimed that this other woman had charmed her boyfriend and made him reject her. That she was perfectly fine with her boyfriend until this other girl came along and messed things up. This statement sent the latter laughing and boasting about how the man had chosen and loved her over the other.
 

The name-calling escalated with each revealing intimate things that their boyfriend had said about the other. These girls were being played and they were both not willing to give up. At that moment, I wondered why people in relationships seek to attack the other person their partners are allegedly cheating with instead of their partners.
 

Norah, a recently separated mother of two, says sometimes these women have a goal and when they find that you are not willing to stay through the insults, they win. She recently had to leave her husband because his mistress (or one night stand as she called her) was harassing her and had sworn that she would not rest till she (Nora) left. She tried to get her husband to call this woman and tell her off as she listened, but it was not helpful. After careful thought, she opted out and the threats and insults stopped.
 

Norah says she could have opted for confrontation, but the only person that owed her anything was her husband. And when she asked him to trick the woman in question into a meeting so he could clear the mess, he was dodgy. She says she would have fought to keep her marriage if the man had shown interest in keeping it. Her pride would not let her fight the other woman. Norah believes that a woman like her ‘rival’ believes only one thing — eliminating the competition.
 

Ronald Damulira, a psychology student at Makerere University, says many of these fights do not start from out of the blue.
“One person may have been misled into thinking that they have earned every right to attack the other,” Damulira says. And this, he believes, is stretched when the partner in question denies the affair, or says he has tried to get rid of her in vain.
 

“Now that is the beginning of war. You have just given this woman or man the key to attack the other person,” Ndamulira argues. He believes that just like an animal, when a human being is cornered, they get defensive.

WHAT THE EXPERTS SAY

Cissy Nassali, a family lawyer, says confronting the person your partner is cheating with should be okay. The problem, however, arises with the tone one uses. She adds that it would not be bad to check out the person causing you restless nights, but only after you have talked to your partner. “Also, when you get there, do not view them as the enemy because, who knows, they may be victims just like you. Maybe they did not know you existed or that you were still in the picture,” Nassali says.

She says when it comes to matters of the heart, we are all slaves of some sort, so nobody should think they are any better. She cautions that violence has never been the solution to anything. “By the way, as you go around confronting people, you should bear in mind that some people are violent by nature and they might pounce on you. And, mark you, no relationship, however strong, should ever be worth a physical scar,” Nassali says.
 

Brenda Kansiime of Kani Counselling Services in Najjeera explains that people in relationships should not view cheating as the problem. “Something must have led to that cheating. Fighting the other party should never be the solution,” she says.
 

Kansiime says it is okay to be angry when one feels betrayed, but does not advise confronting the other party. She believes that if a relationship reaches such a point, it is better for the person who has been cheated on to walk away.
 

“When you fight the other party, it does not stop your partner from cheating again. So tell me, how many people will you fight?” She advises couples to sit down and look into your relationship.
 

“If it is worth saving, then salvage whatever is left of it and talk. But if, for some reason, you cannot get over the betrayal, by all means move on,” she adds.
 

Deborah Wamanga, another counsellor, says confronting is done mostly in anger. She maintains that for as long as you are not thinking straight, stay away from any kind of confrontation. If you must, do not appear judgmental towards the other party because who knows what more you could uncover.
 

“It would not be such a bad idea to talk to the person behind your pain. However, do not make it confrontational, be chatty and polite. That way, there will be no reason for a fight, but first ensure that you and your partner have talked,” she says.