I caught her cheating and I don't trust her anymore
Jun 07, 2013
My wife was cheating on me with a co-worker and when I caught them, she apologised. I decided to forgive her after all we have young children.
My wife was cheating on me with a co-worker and when I caught them, she apologised. I decided to forgive her after all we have young children.
But I’m having a hard time forgiving her because she is his supervisor and could have been the one who seduced him. We agreed that she fires him as my main condition for forgiveness, but now she is saying that he is a good worker and hard to replace.
I don’t believe that. She says that I should just trust her. Now it seems she will not dismiss him. How can I separate the two? Should I send her away? Or should I cause commotion at her office? I am so deeply troubled that I can’t sleep. Please advise.
Counselor’s response
I can imagine how hard it is to come to terms with the fact that your wife cheated on you. It’s heart breaking, that’s why forgiveness does not come so easily.
Forgiveness is a matter of the heart and often, the norm is to wait for your spouse to repent in dust and ashes, and show signs of repentance and change of heart; when these are absent, you keep wondering whether the gesture was genuine.
However, what you need to do is to first appreciate that an intimate relationship takes long to build, thus any unfaithfulness effects you emotionally, physically and socially. So what you are feeling is normal. It’s easy to say i forgive and set conditions, but you must allow yourself time to heal.
On the other hand, proximity is one of the aspects responsible for people falling in love despite their status.
As long as two sexually mature people are in contact all the time and there is chemistry between them, anything can happen, especially if they do not establish boundaries and uphold their values.
Since you are demanding that your wife fires this man, its important to first establish whether she has personal boundaries when it comes to people of the opposite sex in terms of emotional and physical space, depth of conversation, what is shared at office like meals and many others.
If your wife does not have such boundaries, firing this man may not be a solution, since she might fall for the next one.
Study her workplace human resource policy; does it speak about workplace relationships and how they are handled?
If so, you can address your issue with the human resource manager who can cause a transfer, counsel or dismissal, instead of putting your wife under pressure to fire him, which may not be her designation.
I suggest that you and your wife spend more time together to minimise such temptation. Start leaving home together and pick her on your way home even if you have to wait for her a little longer.
Have lunch together and bringing her a snack at tea time. This will affirm to her that you love her and have forgiven her. Try not to refer to the incident whenever you pick a misunderstanding and remain committed to your relationship.
If you send her away, or cause commotion, you may end up hurting each other more. She needs your support to pull out and regain her confidence as a woman and a wife as much as you too need her trust and support to get complete healing.
Answered by Auntie Anne