Can't men ever say sorry?
May 21, 2013
Joan Nanono, a 27-year-old housewife and mother of one daughter, says she has never heard her husband say sorry even when he is in the wrong. She is married to Peter Kasibante, 34, a businessman at Nakawa Market.
Saturday Vision
By Shamim Saad
Joan Nanono, a 27-year-old housewife and mother of one daughter, says she has never heard her husband say sorry even when he is in the wrong. She is married to Peter Kasibante, 34, a businessman at Nakawa Market.
They live in Ntinda. However, Nanono says her husband never says sorry when he is in the wrong. He would rather do good things for her so she ends up forgiving him.
“Although, he never says sorry, his actions will show that he is sorry. Each time he annoys me, I try to ignore him until he says sorry.
However, I cannot do it for long because he always surprises me with gifts and takes me for concerts, since he knows I love music. With the gifts, I imagine he is trying to apologise even though he has not said sorry, so I just forgive him and life goes on,” Nanono says.
The same happens to Catherine Nakyejjwe, a teacher and mother of two, who has been married for three years. Nakyejjwe says every time her husband wrongs her, he does not apologise but he does nice things for her that make her forgive him.
She says her husband usually buys her dresses, shoes and perfume, in addition to taking her out.
“One time he took me to Mombasa for a holiday after I caught him with another woman and threatened to leave him. I know he was trying to apologise, but he did not say sorry,” Nakyejjwe says.
She says at first she was bothered about her husband’s behavior but with time, she realised that although he does not utter the word ‘sorry’, he shows remorse by being very caring after annoying her.
Nakyejjwe says she had to accept him the way he is. “I now just let him be because I know that he finds it hard to say sorry even when he is. So, as long as he acts sorry, I am okay with it.” Peter Tumwebaze, an accountant at KCB who lives in Kireka, says some men do not apologise because of too much pride and do not want to appear weak.
“A proud man may find it difficult to say sorry. Even though such a man knows he is in the wrong, he will be more concerned about his pride than his partner’s feelings, therefore, he would rather act sorry than say so,” he says
The father of four adds that some men simply don’t want to accept their mistakes. To them, it is a sign of incompetence if they admit their mistake and apologise to their spouses.
Tumwebaze says men also want to avoid being taken advantage of by their spouses when they say sorry. He says sometimes women take advantage of the situation and start making unrealistic demands on the man before they can forgive him.
Tumwebaze adds that other women just become more quarrelsome when their partners show remorse, therefore, men want to avoid such confrontations.
“Women can be confrontational. Rather than accepting an apology and forgiving their partners, they start another fight to make sure they have the last word, which nags the men. This makes apologising a dilemma for men who expect a negative outcome.
Therefore, men find it difficult to gauge the right time to say sorry because they are not sure of the response their spouse will give,” he explains.
Expert Advice
Paul Nyende, a psychologist at Makerere University, says men do not say sorry because of the socialisation process, where boys are trained from childhood not to show their emotions.
Therefore, they grow up knowing that men must fight harder and not apologise,” he explains.
According to Ann Tweheyo, a counsellor with Uganda Christian University, Mukono, some men find it hard to say sorry because of the culture in which they are brought up where they believe that saying sorry is a sign of weakness.
“Some men show that they are sorry although they never say it. However, this generation of men has learnt to say sorry due to upbringing,” she added.
Brenda Kansiime of Kani Counselling Service in Najjera, says men hardly say sorry because of their ego. They believe it is not masculine to say sorry, although they will act sorry. “It is upon the offended person to know when the man is trying to say sorry with his actions.
That is how they were created. Very few men will say sorry,” she noted Kansiime adds that women find it easy to say sorry, but men just use actions, for example, he will buy you gifts, take you out or buy the child a toy.
“However, some men just say sorry for the sake of pleasing their partners, when they do not mean it,” she noted.