Communication is key to marital bliss

 

My husband always demands for balance when he leaves sh5,000 to buy food and milk for the baby, yet things are too expensive. 

 

He asks me to account for everything and I always have to top up to get all the supplies. This man is always calculating how I spend sh400,000 of my salary. 

 

I buy some of the home supplies, pay for my salon expenses and even my medical bills. He is so mean and insecure that he says I use the money he leaves home for personal use, yet whenever he comes home he finds food worth more than the money he left. As a result, I have not been able to save money.

 

I recently had a miscarriage and asked him to take me to hospital, but he rudely told me to find my way out. Even when our child was ill, I asked him for money to cover the hospital bills, but he brushed it off as a simple sickness. I had to look for money to take our son to hospital.

 

This man insults me before our house girl. He speaks ill about my family and whenever he returns from work, he begins quarrelling as soon as he steps into the house. 

 

He will immediately check the baby’s food and ask if someone is eating it. I cannot take this anymore. How best can I handle the situation? If I told my family, it would not turn out well.

 

Dear Linda, the issues you have raised surrounding your marriage are moving.

A marriage is satisfying when the rewards outweigh the costs.

 

In relationships where one person does the giving and the other all the receiving, the giver often becomes exhausted. One of the most important requirements for a satisfying relationship is the ability to communicate.

Good communication is the key to intimacy and marital satisfaction.

 

Linda, how are you faring in the area of communication?

Communication is accomplished through both verbal and non-verbal means.

It can be helpful or harmful, depending on how it is conducted. 

 

The second critical element in marriage is what is known as “mutual need fulfillment”, a state in which both partners’ needs fall within the limits of realistic expectations.

 

A highly dependent, possessive, extravagant person may expect so much love and approval unconsciously that no one could possibly fulfill.

 

In this case, the marriage might fail not because of the unwillingness of the giving person to fulfill needs but because of the unreasonable demands of the insatiable partner.

 

Conversely, it is possible for one partner to only look at the negative aspects of a relationship and fail to appreciate the positives, and thus skew his/her perception of the mutual need fulfillment.

 

Linda, would it be helpful if you jotted down the good things that you have had with your husband so that you are able to evaluate your relationship objectively?

 

Thirdly, power disparities undermine most intimate relationships and are typically unsettling.

Power in intimate relationships is defined as the ability to influence ones partner to get what one wants.

 

All people want to selfactualise by feeling that they have the power to change, influence or direct what happens to them personally.

 

People who are unwilling or unable to use power often lead a life of frustration.

They never get to do what they want to do, to realize their own desires. There definitely seems to be an issue of power struggle in your relationship, which can only be solved through effective communication.

 

Dating before marriage has proven to be critical in cementing a relationship, which often ends in selecting a partner for marriage.

 

Dating helps partners to get to know the attitudes, values and behaviours of each other so that one is able to decide whether their expectations will be met. 

 

If a partner has lived a life of thrift while another has had plenty, there is likely to be a clash of values and interest. Your husband may have a higher value for sh5,000 and will therefore be very particular in terms of how this amount has been spent as compared to an average person whose previous lifestyle was economically less challenging.

 

Here are some issues for  you to think about: Did you date your husband before your marriage and were you able to discuss critical matters especially setting boundaries finances and responsibilities?

 

You have not mentioned how much your husband earns, could it be that he can only afford sh5,000 per day for the family? Have you expressed your feelings about his behaviour?

 

Families see children as the culmination of a marriage relationship and the birth of a child, if planned for, is received with joy.

 

That fact that your husband could not be with you at such critical moments as when you had a miscarriage or even support you in taking care of the sick child is very unfortunate. 

 

Your husband does not seem to be patient person that he is willing to listen to you. 

You may wish to re–examine your approach in communication both in terms of timing and expression.

 

You may also wish to reevaluate the reasons why you find challenges in sharing information with your family of origin.

Taking long to handle these issues may lead to anxiety or depression.

 

Should you need more support, please seek one on one professional counselling.