One heart, many suitors

 

 

It is common to hear ladies saying: “ I cannnot have one boyfriend. What if he breaks my heart and I have no fall back position?”

 

These ladies claim men are slippery and that it is risky for one to bank their entire fortunes on them. 

I do not want to call it emotional cheating, but that is what it is, according to James Hatega, who left his girlfriend recently over the same issue. 

 

“Yes we had some issues and decided to give each other space as we settled our misunderstandings. In the meantime, she started to get close to someone else, which became annoying as we tried to patch up things later. She did not want to let go of either of us, so I called it quits after she told me she was not sure whom she preferred at that point.”

 

Maureen Katungi says: “It often happens to us girls because you cannot know if the boyfriend you are with is playing around or is serious with you. Sometimes, you love the guy so much and you are afraid of losing him, so to save yourself any heart break and emotional pain that can come from being dumped, you have another one or two to balance the equation. After all, he is probably doing the same.”

 

And usually these other boyfriends are a close friend or workmate you have had an unserious thing with or have considered dating, but held back for some reason. They can also be your former classmates, or what girls love to call best friends, forgetting that for a guy, there is a thin line between best friend and boyfriend. 

 

“They are usually close people you associate with and are often central and part of the routine in your life, so feelings of crushes, love and counter crushes sneak in quite often,” Anita Karugaba, a psychologist says.

 

“It is so much about having an alternative in case things do not work out and your sweetheart or real guy throws you out. Some call the other guys ‘panadol’, ‘emergency pill’, emergency boyfriend, dangerous substitute or whatever he may be, but he is the shoulder you lean on when things go bad,” Victoria Atim, a university student, says. 

 

Other times, it is not just about the cover you need in case of heartbreaks or any emotional pain. It is about needs you cannot meet yourself, like rent money, upkeep, shopping for nice clothes and shoes. So your real boyfriend is for love and you have others for partying, shopping and paying bills with no strings attached.    

 

“In some cases, you just have not yet made up your mind on who you are actually going to go with, so you keep them all around as you study their character, seriousness and commitment, before you finally decide on whom to settle with,” Atim argues.

 

“There are also other things like distance, where one’s boyfriend goes to work abroad and a girl finds another boyfriend to fill the gap, because honestly, long distance relationships do not work for me,” Katungi suggests.

 

She argues that having more than one boyfriend is brought about by misunderstandings in the relationship. 

Katungi argues that when a relationship is strained, someone who has been hitting on you for ages, wins you over in those low moments. And when you reconcile with your real boyfriend, the friction begins as soon as he finds out about number two.     

 

She adds that sometimes, it is just an inherent feeling of inadequacy, that pushes ladies into having multiple boyfriends. The woman needs the reassurance that she is loved, appreciated and beautiful. 

Ladies have always blamed men for failure to grow up and not knowing what they want, but that is not always the case. There comes a time when a man wants to get serious with one woman and wants to settle down, and put that ring you so crave on your finger. So, what happens if all the men you are stringing along reach that point in their lives at the same time?

 

Fiona, a 28-year-old teacher, is in that fix. “I had a boyfriend who I loved so much, but he wasn’t committing. Out of anger, I got another one who still had the same attitude, so I got a third one who turned out serious. The other two woke up as well. Now, they have all proposed,” she says.

 

You are going to lose trust from one or all of your suitors, especially if they bump into each other at one point. 

“It is hard to hide your feelings for someone. Imagine how hard it will be to stop word from getting out about your numerous boyfriends. Your reputation will go down,” Karugaba says.

 

Being isolated by your friends and relatives if they know about it is also a likely consequence, once the word is out.

 

“Emotional distress as a result of feeling guilty and a sense of self-disappointment will hit you hard as this whole drama unfolds,” adds Karugaba, adding that you can also go into depression if the situation is mishandled.

 

First and foremost, this might not be exactly wrong if you are not having intimate relations with any or all of these men. So, do not carry any guilt around, advises Joan Mubezi, a counsellor.

 

You need to know that prevention is better than cure. If you are honestly still vetting these guys, let it be a secret. If possible, not even your best friend should know because a secret shared with just one person, in many cases, is a secret lost and     altered. 

 

If you have a boyfriend at the moment or fiancé and things are not going right, do not rush. John Muganzi, a marriage counsellor, advises that you should focus on your partner and try to work things out.

 

If there is anyone else you are interested in, keep them as friends to avoid the complication that might come from trying to date more than  one man.

 

Today, many people tend to get into undefined relationships where a young lady has a number of guys around her whom she claims to be her friends and yet she is having intimate relations with them and continues claiming she has a real boyfriend. 

 

“You need to draw clear boundaries on who your boyfriend is and who is just a friend,” cautions Muganzi. He adds that there should be a clear line on how far you go with all of them in terms of relating and intimacy. 

 

“And before you decide to even accept anyone as your boyfriend, take a good amount of time studying them,” Muganzi concludes.