The overprotective husband: Jealousy or too much love?

SUNDAY VISION

Many men believe tight marking their wives is a sign of love and adoration. But if a man is content with who he is, why would he keep an eye on his wife all the time?

By Rachel Nabisubi

Society’s beliefs, culture, norms and religion cannot be ignored. Men are considered superior to women. But in the name of superiority, some men tend to tight mark their partners, arguing that it is out of love and affection.

But, if a man is confident of himself, why would he tight-mark his wife?

Insecurity and distrust have been cited as one of the major reasons why a man would do that. Muna Ahmed, a student at Kampala International University (KIU) believes a man must be overprotective of his partner.

“Tight marking should not be misunderstood because it symbolises love and that the spouse is treasured. It helps to draw away suspicions of cheating. Spouses who do that tend to help with errands and also make one feel secure,” Ahmed argues.

Mohammed Ali, a trader, says it is good as long as it does not cripple the relationship.

“If it’s infringing on one’s development, it should not be done. Otherwise communication should be a key factor and a way to resolve issues in a home. Without it, a home can be shattered,” Ali says.

Aisha Kiwumulo, a university student who has grown up with her mother, feels she can fight for her rights as a woman since men just want to dominate women.

Kiwumulo adds that women activists have provided a platform to educate their counterparts on how best to defend themselves against male suppression and domestic violence. Husbands should note that women can protect themselves against certain challenges in life.

However just like the saying too much of anything is always bad, tight marking has got its own repercussions. Catherine Kasiime, a businesswoman, believes that over protection only fuels jealousy, and at worst, obsession.

“Mistrust in any relationship is an evil which should be avoided. This (over protection) could explain the increasing number of spouses being murdered,” Kasiime says.

Ismail Kirumira, a photographer in Gombe, thinks a woman’s independence is vital. As an adult, not only is self-accountability useful in a relationship, so is venturing in developmental projects.

“When there is mutual understanding in any family, all things are possible. Infringing on one’s privacy causes pain which might take some time to heal or never heal if the couple does not try to resolve the problem,” adds Kirumira.

Counsellors say

According to Joseph Musaalo, a counsellor at Uganda Christian University, Mukono, over protection could easily ruin a relationship. Policing a woman does not change her nature.

“Good communication enables couples do things in a mature way. During hardships, couples should sit down and discuss their issues openly. This helps to avoid cases where spouses end up stabbing each other as a result of failing to come to a compromise,” says Musaalo.

He advises spouses to trust each other because insecurity is a sparking point of harassment by the other partner. Doing the right things for each other and empowering your wife makes her feel more vulnerable, thus creating a strong bond between the two.

Similarly, Dorothy Nakakande, a counsellor at Mukwaya General Hospital says men want to show their superiority over their wives and are terrified by an independent woman. Independent women then feel overwhelmed by the undue attention, and are unable to do things on their own, like build homes and businesses.

“During dating, some couples fail to know all the vital information about each other, but rush into marriage. This later on leads to lack of communication, resulting in separation,” Nakakande says.

She urges husbands and wives to be discreet and always trust one another because people sometimes change to make their lives better.

Gaston Byamugisha, a psychologist at Kyambogo University, believes insecurity due to lack of trust forces a husband to build a cage around his wife.

“When a woman progresses, she grows emotionally and physically, thus making a man feel more threatened by the move. Later, men tend to think of ways to discourage and undermine a woman’s self-esteem and confidence,” Byamugisha comments.

He cautions that this could degenerate into physical and emotional abuse. However, Byamugisha advises spouses in such a situation to examine themselves to find out the underlyinig problem and seek counselling to avoid things getting worse.