A dead marriage: Resurrect it now, or quit?

As we celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we reflect on the miracle of dead things coming alive again. Couples seem in love in the early days of their marrige, but overtime, the affection flies out of the window. Michael Kanaabi and Hope Sande examine why the love between two people can burn out and how it can resurrect.

Margret has been married for six years, but she feels like her marriage is in a coma, or simply dead. In fact, she cannot even begin to describe the state of her marriage.

“I no longer feel the same way towards Robert like when we were still dating, I do not feel attached to him and surprisingly I am not in love with him like I used to be. Sometimes I regret why I married him,” laments Margaret. “No matter how fast I run, no matter where I hide, there it is, coming at me like a zombie,” she says.

Getting married can be exciting. There is an incredible rush of emotions — a feeling of wellbeing, excitement, exhilaration and contentment. But no matter how strong the marriage is, inevitably, after the thrilling early years, it begins to take on an almost dead path. The spark disappears. The person who used to get your heart beating leaves you cold. You might not even like them anymore.

Why it happens

“What happens in a marriage is that as it settles, people just get in a routine with each other. They mind less,”says Rev. Peter Matovu, the director of Munnange Counselling Centre at Nkumba University.

The mistake some couples make is taking each other for granted, according to Matovu, who is also a psychologist.

“Whenever we are in pursuit of something or have a goal of some kind, we put in our best efforts to beat out the competition. Unfortunately, there are many people who view marriage as being the time when you can stop putting in your best efforts! After all, he or she is “committed” to you now. They think this makes little sense,” says Matovu.

Martin Ssempa, a pastor at Makerere Community Church, says it is possible to fall out of love, especially if there was no commitment from your heart in the first place.

“There are two kinds of love — the attachment feeling and the emotional feeling. The attachment feeling is lost when maybe one is sick, disappointed or let down, but couples should never give space for the emotional love to fade, it is important,” Ssempa says.

Some marriage counsellors also say many couples put a lot of focus on the children and careers, and forget about personal intimacy.

In reality, what separates (romantic love) from parental, sibling, friendship, and sibling love is our sexual desire for our spouse.

Sometimes, people change. Margaret, for instance, feels that Robert is not the same person she fell in love with. “He does things the way he wants and at his will,” Margret says.

Resurrecting the love

Ssempa says couples need to know that emotions do not come by magic.

“It is important to renew the relationship, talk to each other without blaming one another and learn to share. Anyone who wants a friend should share, it communicates to someone that they are special. It starts from something as small as flowers and sharing a meal,” Ssempa stresses.

“There are marital problems, of course. There are those who want to destroy your happiness at no cost. Do not listen to rumours. Take times to pray for all that hinder you to move forwards and know who your friends are.” Ssempa adds.

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Some people say their marriage is boring, and so like this couple, the woman prefers TV to romance.

Joan Mubezi, a counsellor with Healing Faith Ministries Kyebando, in Wakiso district says communicating more is the first step towards rebuilding your crumbling romance. Considering that is where it all began, spare a minute to text or call your spouse to lighten up their mood and remind them you are actually interested in them and still care.

As communication improves, it will become easier to deal with the issues or problems in your marriage.

“The children might have come in, got you all taken up and, for some time, made you forget that you got married to a great man. True, the children need attention, but you can still try to have time for yourselves. With time you will realise a rebirth in your intimacy and deeper understanding of each other which rekindles the love,” Mubezi advises.

Choose to do something together in spite of your very busy schedules. According to Mubezi, it can be as simple as bathing the children, cooking or gardening together just to be in each other’s company, talk, laugh and rebuild the love you once cherished. If you choose to go this way and do so consistently, things will start to fall into place as the days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months.

When you must move on

Yet there are times when you realise you cannot force life. Everyone makes a mistake and there are things that can be overlooked to save the marriage.

However, there are signs that are obvious it might not work out no matter how much you try. For instance, some people get married for the wrong reasons.

Maybe marriage was a goal by a certain age and he/she was under pressure to get married, accidental pregnancy happened, all your friends had gotten married, or you found someone who was crazy about you and although you did not feel the same about them it seemed like a safe choice.

So when the excitement dies out, you feel like there is no more to show for it.

According to Anita Karugaba, a psychologist in private practice, a violent spouse is one red flag. Others include spouses who commit adultery, incest and murder threats. Such behaviour is a risk to your life and the childresn’s future cannot be better under such circumstances.

“If your spouse has consistently neglected you and even gone a step ahead to abuse you both physically and verbally, then it is time to move on because your relationship could degenerate further into depression, injury or even death,” Karugaba says.

Karugaba also says if your goals in life are very different and you have failed to find common ground after numerous attempts, the solution may be to call it quits and avoid a more painful separation later.

“You are not in his plans, his schedule and whatever hurts or concerns you, be it your health or finances. The only way is out if this has become his way of life towards you,” says Karugaba.

Before you call it quits

Before you cross the bridge, Mubezi suggests that one should bear in mind the timing. “Consider what you are both going through. What are your feelings about him or her? If you have for long tried to patch up things and failed consistently, may be it is time to take a painful step and let go,” she says.

If you choose to quit

Charles Kaggwa, a marriage counsellor with Kasubi Holy Revival church gives the following tips:

• Appreciate the fact that you are hurt and do not try fighting it or hiding. You can confide in someone you trust, preferably an older couple or a trusted mature friend who can keep it confidential and give you valuable coping advice.
• Avoid dwelling on the negatives too much.They will only hurt you more.
• Develop a positive outlook towards your future as this will help you focus on working towards the things you want to achieve and keep you off the thoughts and pain of the breakup. This is the time you can explore other activities like hanging out with other friends, going out to a beach or whatever it is that keeps you happy.
• Do not rush into another relationship, give your self time to relax and heal before you can consider relating again.