Guys, slice your 'thing' - seems the girls have moved on

By John Agaba

Forget it; this is not one of your science articles. This one here is on the flipside of stuff, so no fancy jargons and botanical names. Now, back to business – there’s this new Oh-my-God moment in town, probably one of the biggest; do you know it? An uncircumcised schlong! Call it penis, for lack of a less textbook word.

Gosh, turns out the circumcised-thingy-vs-the-uncircumcised-thingy talk is a big deal out there. Somehow, I have kept hearing the same line: “Oh my God, you are not circumcised?” Then the debate has gone on and on about the ‘coolness’ and ‘uncoolness’ of either.

About two months back, I was walking from this make-shift eatery where most of us Kireka bachelors have our meals. Inching close behind these three babes, my ear just picked up this accusing line from one of the babes. “You are kidding, he wasn’t circumcised? Seriously? Trust me if a guy isn’t circumcised, it’s a big no for me. Kyana, I am telling you an uncircumcised thing stinks – for real. Plus, there’s a way it feels weird when making out!”

At this point I felt offended, not that I am not circumcised, no. I was offended on behalf of all my uncircumcised brothers in the male sex fraternity. Plus, it didn’t help matters that at the time she said the thing stinks, we had reached this point of the road where sewage from a burst pipe was crossing the road, stinking like hell.

I kept thinking to myself: ‘These girls probably think I am not circumcised, and I am the one stinking.’ I really wanted to interject and defend us, but then decided against it. ‘She is probably right, especially if a dude had such slip-ups within the day as miss bathing, and then run engaging errands under the scorching sun and dusty/busy Kampala roads – you know the hustle can be!’ I thought to myself.

They are actually right, because I remember before getting my thingy sliced, I used to pull the foreskin backwards when washing up, and I never quite fancied the new scent around. Yet, I am some clean dude, have always been, for those who know me.

So there it is, brothers. Bitter truth, huh? It seems before we go running around to stock up on amazing designer colognes, the likes of Armani, Versace, Polo, name it, we might have to take care of our thingy first, lest people smell the thingy instead of the cologne.

Anyway, eager to talk to a girl what the fuss with a circumcised thingy was all about since the other three girls didn’t elaborate, I went to Facebook some two days later, convinced it wasn’t only about hygiene, not with how passionately the other girl fancied the slit one.

Chatting up this babe on Facebook, I introduced the topic and asked why it’s a big deal to girls that our things should be slit. Instantly she wanted to know whether mine was slit, and I told her it wasn’t. “Poor dude,” she replied. I kept nudging why, and although she wasn’t exactly elaborating during my graphic chat (you know boys will be boys), it seemed important to her that all things be cut. Eventually, I told her I had lied, but that I was actually cut, and that’s probably the reason she is calling off the hook lately.

Last Saturday she called when I was at my barber’s in Kireka, shaving off my hair. After talking to her, I shared with the guys at the salon how I had got close to this babe probably because I told her I was circumcised.

The salon I go to on Saturdays has a way of collecting all these young corporate guys who would enjoy this kind of conversation.

And since we know one another from meeting there often, my revelation opened a whole can of worms, all agreeing how babes are now high on circumcised men.  It was like I had charmed them, almost everyone had a thing or two to say.

“Dude, that reminds me of this babe I am seeing, we met two weeks ago, but she doesn’t want to give me ‘some’, mbu I first have to get circumcised. It’s coming to three weeks and she’s playing hard to get, man. I am so bored by her stunts,” said one of the guys, we know him as Deno.

Turns out Deno is actually friendly having his thing cut, but his problem is one: “Okay, getting it cut is not bad, but I have to wait for about four months before she gives me a thing. And I might have it cut, only to heal and she already got someone else. I hate her, man; I think she got me on this one!”

Then enter Kevin, who turned himself into a ‘sexpert’ of sorts. Apparently, from the head of a circumcised thingy constantly being exposed and rubbing on whatever the guy is wearing, it roughens and loses some sensitivity. “Now, that’s what girls love about a circumcised thing. Its head is rough, so you go marathons before climaxing,” Kevin threw the spanner in the works, this exaggerated air of machismo all coming off him like this was his favourite topic (isn’t it for most of us boys).

Kevin went on: “An uncircumcised guy starts making love and immediately his head touches the babe’s walls, the sensitivity escalates the feeling into one big itch and before he knows it, he’s done. Now, that there annoys babes, no wonder they have moved on. Bro, you go get your thing cut, man,” he concluded in sheer laughter, pointing at the chap who has been starved pending circumcision.

But perhaps the more interesting one came from this guy who said: “Guys, its only a few months of you not getting laid and you are back in business. Ever see those chaps whose hands never leave their crotch, scratching their thing even in public? They are many… and chances are if they dropped their pants, you would see some uncircumcised schlong. Those things itch, man.” This got everyone laughing.

Then some 30-something fat babe with her head under the dryer, who had only been smiling to the dirty talk, cut in, still laughing. “I actually didn’t know it itches. So why keep it all the way when, away from its unhygienic side, it makes you uncomfortable? Is it so big or too small you don’t want the doctors to see it? I hear they introduced a circumcision ring one can use in privacy. Let them use that if they fear their thing will be seen, or let them go and get circumcised in another town where no one knows them. Trust me a number of babes have moved on from uncircumcised men, even prostitutes want their thing cut.”

Now, this talk might have been silly, but I learnt something. Here I was, a journalist and I didn’t know about a circumcision ring, and it was this woman from the village Kireka educating me. Hmm. I had to go scampering on Google after that. Turns out the ring is actually there. It is a clear plastic device with a deep groove running circumferentially, intended for circumcising males. The ring is placed onto the head of the penis by a doctor (sorry bro, the doctor or nurse still has to see it), and within three to seven days, the foreskin will be off, just like that, no pain.

Now it turns out there is also a Facebook page where guys go and talk circumcision. If you don’t believe me, just flip to your Facebook page and search for Voluntary Medical Male Circumcision (VMMC). Here, like I said, guys go and do all that talk about circumcision. The page is run by VMMC in its fight against HIV/AIDS. But still guys afford to get silly on the page where stuff should be serious; you know how Facebook can be! They casually share experiences about circumcision, ask questions, and then circumcision experts come through to reply them. And by the way, the page has about 600 members from all over Africa. Away from the jokes and all, this page actually has good factual tips you could carry home with you.

One of them is that medical male circumcision reduces the risk of female-to-male sexual transmission of HIV by about 60%. Now, get this right, even though the VMMC campaign is about to get launched in Uganda, we are not saying that get your circumcised thingy from your pants and dip it – you will die! You still have to wear a condom.

So, there you have it guys, it seems you need to slice your thing – the girls have moved on. In Kenya it’s worse – a babe walks out on you and leaves you with your hard-on because your foreskin is still on. You think I am lying? Ask my colleague George Wabweyo, he lived there for some years.