Is that new love worth leaving your child for?

When parents separate, it is often the children who suffer most. They feel unloved and abandoned.

And the situation could be made worse if the parent who stayed with the child decides to move on with their life, writes Harriet Birungi.

After eight years and three children together, he walked out of the relationship. Feeling like a free and single man starting out his life, he has never bothered to come back, nor check on his offspring.

For four years, Namuli has struggled to raise her children as a single mother, despite the rumours that their father is well off and in a new relationship.

Then lady luck smiled on her. She found love again. Namuli is happy to tell whoever cares to listen that she is happily in love, but there is a catch.

“He started dating me knowing I had three children. Now, he wants us to settle down, but without my children. He says he cannot take care of children of a man who is alive and well. If their father had died, that would be a different story. I want to live life to the full; finding a man who can take me up after having three children is a blessing. I have tried to get my in-laws to take responsibility of their grandchildren in vain. They want me to carry my cross! Am I wrong to want to start over?” asks Namuli.

Like Namuli, Rose fell in love again after her husband died, but the man told her she had to choose between marrying him and staying with her child.

She decided to leave her son with her stepmother and remarry. While life for her went on, for her son, things took a turn for the worse.

He dropped out of school in Primary Seven due to lack of school fees and started doing odd jobs. He is now a casual labourer at his uncle’s shop (Rose’s cousin).

After Stephen suspected his wife Dinah of adultery, he decided to abandon her and their six children. He went to live with his lover, Joy.

His wife and children had to move out of their posh home because she could not afford the rent. They moved to a two bed-roomed house in Kawempe. The children also had to change schools — from Kampala Parents School to Bat Valley Primary School.

Dinah resorted to taking multiple loans from school fees and sustain a small retail shop to put food on the table. When they reached high school, the eldest son went looking for his dad for assistance, with the hope that perhaps his parents might reconsider reconciliation.

Joy, his father’s lover, would not let him in. With insults, she told him to go back to his “adulterous mother” and never come back to her home.

He did not let it go. Together with two of his siblings, he went to his father’s office.

The father told them that what happened between him and Dinah was irreversible and unfortunate and

“I am sorry, I cannot do much.” The children left crying. They knew they had to continue struggling for school fees and necessities until they complete school.
 

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Parents moving into new relationships should discuss the welfare of their children

Is it worth it to leave your children?

According to Dr. Sheila Ndyanabangi, a family counsellor, abandoning one’s children to remarry can be traumatic for the children, especially those below the age of seven.

Children need emotional support and lack of it at such a tender age could destroy their faith, love and trust, which could ruin their relationships in future.

However, Betty Enyipu, a psychologist with the Uganda Christian University, says one can leave their children if they want to move on.

“The woman has a life to live. And having a life means she has feelings and needs that have to be met. If conditions have pushed her to the point of living without her children, then it is worth it. They (the children) have to try and see that their mother deserves happiness,” she says.

However, Enyipu adds that the parents need to discuss the welfare of their children even as they move on.

“Separation should not be a reason to neglect the children because this can have dire consequences. For children fi ve years and below, not having both parents makes them feel unloved,” says Enyipu.

Joseph Musaalo, who is also a psychologist, says people are entitled to their choices. He adds that many times, an end of a relationship means there is venting of anger.

“If he mistreated her, she will most likely abandon the children to his family to free herself. Unless the family is accommodative and understanding, the children may suffer.”

Musaalo says the real question should be where you are leaving the children. The reason a new partner may not want you to come with your children is the possibility of you rekindling the old relationship under the guise of seeing the child.

This can be a source of confl ict in the new relationship.

He, however, advises that the best thing would be to accept and marry the woman with her ‘baggage’.


He adds that the children will, with time, accept the new man in their mother’s life.


Make them feel involved

Musaalo says parents need to explain the situation to the children. He, however, notes that the kind of information given to the children should depend on their age.

“Do not talk bad about the parent who left, that is their parent for life,” he cautions.

He adds that if the children are above 10 years, the court can ask them who they want to stay with.

Ndyanabingi says with adult children, parents should be open and honest about the new relationship.


Effects on a child

Musaalo says leaving children behind for a new relationship has long-term effects, depending on who you leave them with.

If, for instance, you leave them with their grandparents, that is a good thing. Grandparents are known to take good care of children.

Musaalo adds that young children who are separated from their mothers often suffer loneliness because there is no substitute for a mother’s love.

“The child will feel abandoned and rejected and grow up with anger. Such a child will need a lot of counselling as they grow as they fi ght with abandonment feeling.”

Enyipu says some children may harbor negative feelings toward the parent who left.

And depending on what they hear from the people they live with about the parent who left, they may later in life consider drastic measures such as committing suicide as a way to end the pain.

“This may even put them completely off marriage.”

With teenagers, being separated from your parents at a young age can cause serious problems such as alcoholism and drug abuse, and in some instances anxiety and depression, especially because this is a time in their lives when they are discovering more about themselves.


Accepting your new marriage

Marriage is not a rush decision, says Musaalo.

The couple has to talk about and plan for the children, how they will deal with finances and extended family.

“Discuss how the children can visit the parent with whom they no longer live, and how often this should be. Who is to contribute to their upkeep and pay school fees? All this has to be discussed and a way forward forged.”

Additional reporting by Tabitha Abigaba