OMG he is cheating

Joyce Kembabazi, a resident of Mengo, a city suburb and a stay-home mother of three, says her husband has not been making it for dinner as had been the norm. But that is not all. “Sometimes when I check his phone, I see a lot of communication with Tom. One time, I saved Tom’s phone number and used my phone to call it. I was shocked to hear a female voice on the other side of the phone,” she narrates. 

 

Kembabazi says hearing the female voice of ‘Tom’ made her conclude that her husband was engaged in an extra marital affair. 

 

Flavia Kiconco, a marriage counsellor at Together for Eternity, a firm in Kamwokya, says it is not wise to create ground for mistrust in a relationship, although some things may be hard to ignore, since men always leave clues of extra marital affairs. But should it happen twice or thrice, then there is cause for worry.

 

Sheba Adong is a food vendor in Nakasero Market. Her complaints about her husband’s behaviour  with the phone are not different from Kembabazi’s.

 

She says her husband to whom she has been married for 12 years is uncomfortable picking some calls while with her. “He either cancels the call or moves away to receive them,” she narrates. They are currently in debt, and sometimes she thinks it is the debtors calling him. But again, she wonders why he has to act in private on a matter concerns them both. 

 

Shamilla Nankya, a banker who has been married for one year is worried about the behaviour of her husband. She says; “My husband seems to have lost interest in sex. Most times, he complains of being stressed. When I press further, he becomes emotionally distant, angry and cruel.”  She wonders whether his attention could be fixed on someone else. 

 

Mercy Kiconco, a relationship counsellor at Liberty Worship Centre in Rubaga, says there is a possibility that Nankya’s husband may not be dating another woman. She says men’s moods change with either too much or too little money. Some men misbehave when they get money ad when they do not have, sometimes their cannot stand them.  

 

She adds that most times, one’s spouse acts guilty of something due to the tension created by keeping him on his toes. As a result, when he cannot stand that uneasy environment, he starts avoiding it by staying out late or away from home.  

 

Julie Ssentongo, a medical doctor and mother of four, is worried of her partner’s changed working hours and regular business trips. “They give me sleepless nights and I am willing to go as far as contacting the office or his colleague to confirm. I have been married for 17 years, but sometimes I feel like I do not know him at all,” she says.

 

 Assumpta Nabukeera, 86, a resident of Rubaga, says: “It is a waste of time to worry about what your husband might be doing. Only a woman who wants to hurt her emotions searches for clues or spies on her husband. I used to do it a lot when I had just met my husband, but I later gave up. When it comes to issues concerning women, I just keep my distance and that is how I managed to live with him for all these years.”

 

Maria Uwera, a counsellor with Sacred Marriages, a firm based in Entebbe, says couples should not rule out anything. 

She says; “Cheats attempt to hide the obvious and widely known signs. It is the mild ones that give them away and some women tend to ignore the tale tell signs, calling them mere suspicion.” She adds that before one starts playing private investigator, they should be ready to withstand the devastation of an extra-marital affair incase there is one.

 

The gripping need for privacy is what disturbs Emily Kisyo, a lawyer, who will soon be wedding a politician. She says, “When my fiancé put a PIN code in his phone and changed the password to his computer, I did not know what to think because he stays late in the night while on internet, especially now that social media has brought a whole new meaning to infidelity.”

 

She says online communication becomes sexual and eventually becomes a full blown affair. Kisyo assumes it is more than just catching up with long lost friends on Facebook and news updates. But, her intuition on the other hand gives him the benefit of doubt saying, there is a lot happening all over the world and that is the way to keep abreast with everything. 

 

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The first signals of an extra-marital affair are seldom the stereotypical things like lipstick on the collar or strange phone calls; they are much more likely to be an intuitive sense that ‘something is different.’ Many people have trouble trusting their intuition. And while it is not sufficient in and of itself, it plays a central role in the list of ‘signs and symptoms’ of an affair. 

 

‘Whether, when and how’ to confront are all critical issues that need to be determined prior to any confrontation. Whether and when to confront are based on asking yourself two key questions: Do you really want the truth? (rather than just looking for re-assurance). Are you open to the possibility of either staying or leaving? (without having predetermined this important decision).

 

First, it is important to choose a time and a place where there will be no intrusions or distractions. Then it is essential to establish real contact with the person; look them in the eye and say something like: “I need an honest answer to the question I am about to ask you.

 

I hope the answer is no, but I need to know the truth. If the answer is ‘yes,’ that is not necessarily the end of the relationship. But if it is ‘no’ (and I find out later you were lying), I am not sure we would be able to overcome that.”

 

A straight forward question makes it difficult to pretend no harm is being done and to deny the possibility of getting caught and having to deal with the consequences. 

 

A marriage plagued with suspicions is not a good one, regardless of whether or not an actual affair is taking place.

Rather than become an obsessive detective, I would recommend individual counselling.

 

Focus your attention on becoming a better person and then you will be stronger and more capable of handling whatever the future brings. You will become better at recognising unhealthy patterns in your relationship. As you change you will find your partner will also be forced to change. 

Online sources

 

It can be a surprising revelation to learn how we also have a part to play in the relationship “dance” that is taking place in our marriage.

 

We can change our relationships by learning how to change ourselves.