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Can I marry my ex-husband's cousin?

By Vision Reporter

Added 28th October 2014 11:35 AM

I am 37 and divorced. The marriage, although initially good, ended on a very bad note. Five years ago, I met my ex’s cousin who told me he thought his cousin had treated me badly.

Can I marry my ex-husband's cousin?

I am 37 and divorced. The marriage, although initially good, ended on a very bad note. Five years ago, I met my ex’s cousin who told me he thought his cousin had treated me badly.


THE PROBLEM
 
I am 37 and divorced. The marriage, although initially good, ended on a very bad note. I have been alone for six years. Five years ago, I went to a friend’s wedding, who comes from the same village as my ex-husband. I met my ex’s cousin who told me he thought his cousin had treated me badly. We have been close since then, but we have not had sex. In 2012, his wife died in a car accident and I went to the funeral. A few months ago, he came to see me and told me he wants me to be his wife. I feel this is a great opportunity to try again but the circumstances are worrying. The advice I have received so far is confusing. Some tell me I should grab the chance, while others say I should not. Please advise me.

Jessica
 
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EXPERT OPINION by Clemence Byomuhangi

trueGive yourself time
 
Dear Jessica,
 
Divorce is an emotionally disturbing experience, which may result in shock and disorientation. This may have caused you emotional trauma; the reason you are wondering whether you should remarry or not.
 
Remarriage is okay after some years of divorce, like in your case, assuming you have healed from the past psychological wounds. Given the fact that the man proposing to marry you is your ex-husband’s cousin makes the situation more intricate.
 
What if your former husband learns about your relationship with his cousin and hurts you?
 
Sometimes, ex-spouses and families become involved in the courtship of the couple, they may try to break up the relationship, turn the children, if any, against the new partner and exert a negative influence on the family members so that they do not accept the newcomer.
 
You have not indicated whether you have children from the previous marriage. You also do not mention whether this man had children with the deceased wife. Family relationships can become quite complicated in remarriage when one or both spouses bring children from a previous marriage and as a remarried couple you get children of your own.
 
The biggest challenge will be how to negotiate the welfare of your children in a new marriage relationship.
 
Given the circumstances, the probability of divorce is slightly greater in remarriages than in first marriages. Often, such remarriages are bound to introduce challenges that were not present in their first marriage, including how to handle stepchildren.
 
You may need to give yourself time to know each other well, resist the pressures to re-marry before you are ready and discuss every aspect of your relationship with your potential partner.
 
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YOUR ADVICE
 
true
You are two consenting adults
 
The man’s wife died. He is now single and she is single. He asked her to marry him. Why not? They are two consenting adults. Nothing should stop them. Let her go ahead and get married. People will always talk. The decision must be made by the two of them, not the entire community. They should iron out all possible setbacks and go on with their relationship. Collins Hinamundi, journalist
 
 
true
You should follow your heart
 
This is a tricky situation, but she should follow her heart. At the end of the day, when the world is not watching, she will be the one stuck with this man. The question, is: is she ready to be a mother to his children if he has any? Fortunately, they are both single; none has interfered with another relationship. Maria Kisakye, cashier
 
 
true
She needs to plan carefully
 
First, she needs to know why she got divorced. Will this marriage be any different? Has the man seen a counsellor to help him in the grieving process? What does she want to accomplish in the new relationship? She should seek advice from a relationship counsellor or a psychologist. Jude Thaddaeus, counsellor
 
 
true
Go on and get married
 
I do not see any problem. She is divorced and has been single for six years. There are children in the picture. The man is also widowed, meaning he is single. Why not? There is clearly nothing standing in her way of happiness with her new found love. Let her get married to him already. Veronica Tindichebwa, comedian
 
 
true
Be cautious and pray about it
 
It’s good she found love again, but there are a number of things to consider. Has her new lover healed? Does she have children with her ex-husband? If yes, how do they relate with their father and the new man? She should also consider her children’s feelings and put them fi rst. What will they call her new husband uncle or dad? She needs to make a decision that she will live with. I believe in taking one day at a time. Let her be cautious and pray about it. Nganzi Wanda, Country Manager East African BusinessWeek
 
 

Can I marry my ex-husband’s cousin?

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