Are you that craved-for hero, mentor?
Nov 30, 2012
Emmanuel Kagyina, a non-resident student at Makerere University, is reported to have committed suicide last Monday. He allegedly jumped off the top floor of Mary Stuart Hall at 10:00pm, according to the university’s assistant communications officer, Marion Alina.
The first teacher of a child is their parent. A parent is expected to teach them social skills and respect. Michael Kanaabi writes about the vital role of a father in the family
Emmanuel Kagyina, a non-resident student at Makerere University, is reported to have committed suicide last Monday. He allegedly jumped off the top floor of Mary Stuart Hall at 10:00pm, according to the university’s assistant communications officer, Marion Alina.
In his suicide note, the late Kagyina wrote: “Dad, it is true I had wronged you in some aspects, but it is also true that you and I did not share our relationship to the required standard.”
To his uncle, who must have been one of the key male figures in his life, he said: “Uncle Pat you have tried to share as much as you can, but the problem is you were strict and harsh. This is the dotcom era!” He concluded his final remarks to the father figures in his life before he decided to take his life.
Like the late Kagyina, these days many children feel they do not get enough time from their parents.
Laura had no memories of her father
Growing up, Laura Kaggwa had no memories of her father. He left Laura’s mother when she was only a year old, to go and seek greener pastures — what we call kyeyo. He promised to return after a few years, only to disappear and then reappear 25 years later at her masters’ graduation ceremony with so many apologies.
“He explained that things got really tough for him out there. He was too embarrassed to keep in touch with his family because he had nothing to offer. He promised to be a better dad though, and the two of us spend a lot of time together although I am an adult now. I still needed to catch up with those daddy-daughter moments that I craved all my life,” Kaggwa says.
She adds that she was very bitter and her mother had not helped things either by blaming everything that happened to their lives on dad’s absence. It has been a tough journey of releasing bitterness and forgiving her dad. Laura says she is much better now and feels safer and complete when her dad is around.
What makes fathers absent?
Illegitimate children: There are a lot of illegitimate children being born these days. People are engaging in sexual activity before they are ready to take on responsibility.
These young fathers, some of whom are still teenagers, dump their children at their parents’ or grandparents’ homes and move on with their lives. Remember these young men can hardly provide a thing for themselves so their children too suffer. They not only lack father figures in their lives, but also the basic necessities.
Search for money: Many fathers these days spend much of their time chasing money since that is what society glorifies. They work from Monday-to-Monday with barely any time spared for their families.
The effects of absentee fathers
An absent father makes the situation complicated at home because the mother has to fend for the family alone, says Laura.
The mother also has to play the fatherly role and also mother the children as well which will break her down with time. The mother is then forced to focus on fending for the family, neglecting the parenting duties, resulting into frustrated children.
*******************************************
How can fathers be more present
Dr. Moses Muntu, a counsellor, says it begins with fathers accepting their children no matter what is wrong with them or the problems they might have with the child’s mother. The next step is to accept and appreciate the fact that you are a father and need to fulfill your roles and responsibilities to any child under your care, whether biological or not.
Fathers also need to borrow a leaf from our cultures, where dads spent time hunting with their sons. They took them on journeys so that they could bond and mentor them. They also had time off with their daughters to talk to them and impact their lives in private sessions, with the help of their mothers.
Muntu notes that however much women work hard and try to provide for their families, fathers should know and live the fact that they were created to be heads of the family and the providers.
Educating a child begins at home and the first teacher of the child is the dad, who is expected to teach them social skills and respect. Fathers need to cut down a little on their schedules and make more time for their children, says Joan Mubezi, a marriage counsellor.
Fathers should also learn to be friends with their children rather than judge or police them as this will help the children be more open, free and confident around their dads. This way they can get the right answers and be better people while growing up.
Mubezi adds that dads should find time to play with their children as this will help them discover who their children really are. It is a way of bonding and nurturing the skills that will make the children stand out.
Fathers also need to be better role models by avoiding violence and guard their language because what you speak into your child’s life impacts them. Encourage your children to be spiritual for the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom not only through being an example, but also conducting fellowships at home.
We can help fathers be more present
Pastor Joshua Kisuze, a family counsellor, suggests that mothers can be more supportive to the dads and act as a bridge to the children to help the fathers bond better with the children. Society also has a role to play, he notes.
Every family has a crack somewhere and the clergy should not only be approachable, but ensure they have the moral authority to help the congregation. They can also add strong and vibrant Fathers Unions to help dads be better.
Elders, relatives and politicians should also be supportive instead of looking for opportunities to divide families and share the little wealth left on divorce or death.
Not all is lost
Muntu says every father who has made a mistake needs to accept their mistake, forgive themselves and take the bold step to ask for forgiveness.
He adds that it is hard, but the children will listen because they have a gap in their lives that urgently needs to be filled, even though they will be cautious. He remarks that every father should remember that you are a hero to your daughters and a mentor to your sons.
**************************************
Psychologists say
Anita Karugaba, a psychologist, notes that children raised without their dads tend to disrespectful and have problems with authority because they have no authoritative figures in their lives.
Their dads are supposed to teach them how to respect authority especially for the boys. The mothers are not usually gifted in this field and children tend to look at them as not strong enough so they often arm twist them.
For the girls, Karugaba says their dads naturally are their heroes and tend to model to them how the future men in their lives including their husbands will treat them.
They are supposed to love them unconditionally and set the standards for any man who will walk into their lives. In their absence, the girls who have a craving for this affirmation, love and care that they missed will go to anyone who seems to give them attention and say a few sweet things to them.
As a result, anything goes for these girls, from sugar daddies, who seem to play the father figure with all their sinister intentions, to the rascal next door who whispers the sweetest nothings into her ear. It is all new and amazing to them.
In case all the child sees between the dad and mum is violence and no love or respect for either the child or mum, Karugaba asserts they will grow up to follow suit and rain terror on their own children and spouses.
Boys who grow up entirely with their mums and get added influence from their sisters turn out behaving more like women in future. They will find a problem fitting into society as men because everyone will be discriminating against them for their behaviour.
And the only way a man can learn to respect, love and protect the women in his life, Karugaba says, is from his dad and the way he treats the women in their lives, if he does not see it and get reminded every day about it by his dad remove another disaster awaits.
**************************************
Expert view: Mama Tendo
Dear Mama Tendo,
My father abandoned us when we were young. I grew up not knowing my father though we later met and tried to reconcile. As an adult we are distant. I am a father now, but I wanted to do things differently. I have two boys and I want to be close to them. What can I do as a father to build the relationship with my children right from childhood?
Samuel
Dear Samuel,
Thank you for choosing to do things differently from your father. Making good choices for yourself and family will certainly change this scenario. If you want to build a relationship with your children you must do these three things: First you must deliberately schedule time to be with your children. Secondly you must resolve to be responsive to their needs.
For example, if they cry when they are in a room find out why they are crying, do not just ignore them. If they are telling a story, listen to them carefully.
Then, apart from giving rules, have time to play. Run around the house, kick a ball, paint your faces and do some funny things together.
This will help you create the kind of relationship you want with your children. As they grow older set goals together and work towards them. Share with them lessons from your own life.