When his family rejects you

By Carol  Natukunda

“Thank you very much. But no, you cannot date our boy.” A lot of in-laws have issues. My friend’s in-laws do not seem fond of her. But she tries to be nice. What else can she do? It is her husband’s “blood.” She just has to deal with it. And since she does not see them often, it is not much of a problem for her.

But what would you do, if his family outrightly told you to “back off our son?” Do you start sulking or get up and prove that you are worth it?

Of course, there are men who have managed to stand by the women they love. One man recounts: “My mother made life hell for my girlfriend. Over the next year, I tried to find a girl that my mother would like.

The girls were just girls, each one I got was too fat, too fine, too simple, too tall, too light, too dark, not educated, too little money, too everything. My wife got the same treatment, but I decided to ignore my mother and concentrate on my marriage. I spent about a year without visiting or providing for her. She called to say she was sorry.”

Josiah Muwanga, a counsellor with Life Ministries in Kiwatule, urges women in such a dilemma to keep calm and control their emotions.

I have seen women who shout at their men as if it is their fault that they are rejected. But he has a tough road to follow. He loves his mother, who is manipulative and controlling, and also loves you. So he is torn between the two of you.

He might not fight his mother right away, but he probably knows how to tame her behaviour more than anyone else,” Muwanga says.

He, however, says the woman may have to fight her way into a little acceptance. “Be you. Trying to be a little too nice, for instance, wearing a gomesi, instead of your favourite leggings, will not change anything.

Be polite, but do not try to win your in-laws by pleasing them or buying them gifts. Do not get sucked into that tendency. You can win over people by love and service.” 

Rosemary Bwire, a counsellor with Uganda Christian University, Mukono, concurs: “People do not change because you want them to. They change because they decide to.”

She says once you start trying to please your in-laws, their demands will never end. “When you finish doing one task for them, they will be ready with another. Set limits for yourself,” Bwire warns.

Below are tips on how to handle the situation.

Do not exchange insults

Words cannot be taken back and it is useless to argue. If they say anything that you do not like, let your partner know. He will know which side to defend.

Keep a distance

Try as much as possible to ignore them or avoid visiting them.

Improve your relationship

Tell him you want to know what makes his family unhappy with you. Make it clear that you do not want him to do the talking, but you would like to speak to them in his presence. Never argue with them in his absence because it creates many opportunities for backbiting and manipulation.

Do not confront them

If his sister shows up at your house to confront you, deal with her alone. If they all show up at ago, ensure there is a third party or at least call your spouse to make him aware. If you have them as a group, they will be fortified against you.

Keep realistic expectations

If they did not like you in the beginning, they might never like you as long as you live, no matter how much they apologise.

Avoid dividing his family

Do not ask your partner to choose between you and his family, as this will make him more resentful towards you. “You do not want to be somewhere you are not respected,” says Bwiire. “It is your right to protect yourself from emotional abuse. In a true relationship, he should listen to you and make it clear to them not to insult you,” Bwire says.

Chart your way forward

Are you happy in this relationship? Decide whether you can live with this kind of resentment for rest of your life.
If you are seriously upset or bothered by your in-laws’ interference and accusations, and if it is causing conflict in your relationship,  then you need to decide what you can do about it; whether to leave or stay. Seek professional help.

Evaluate yourself

Remember you cannot change anyone, but yourself. Maybe you might need to know why they do not like you. Is it because you dress indecently or are arrogant? Ask yourself whether that is how you want to live for the rest of your life.

If not, then do not ask or expect your spouse and his family to think differently.