Can withholding sex tame him?

By Vicky Wandawa

It is an all-women salon. The women have let loose, after all, it is just them, no man in sight. As they have their hair done, some of them share their marital problems.

One woman, who is having her hair braided, uses two of her fingers to clear the hair from her face so that she can contribute to the conversation.
 
“My husband can never pick up the children from school. From work, he heads straight to the bar. We have fought over and over about this. Yesterday, I was mad because I had a lot of work on my desk, but he still refused to pick up the children,” she said.
 
With a sly smile, another woman advises: “Just deny him sex and he will change.”
Instantly, every other woman has something to say and they excitedly narrate their experiences.
 
“Our two-year-old daughter sleeps in her own room, but when I want to punish him, I carry her to our bed. I make sure she sleeps between us and I sleep as far as I can, while facing the wall. After only three days, he will be down on his knees, apologising for whatever wrong he did.”
 
Another says: “That is not good enough, he can remove the baby as you sleep. I move to the children’s bedroom.”
The other chips in: “I carry my series to the sitting room and when everyone else has gone to bed, I start watching them and fall asleep. And, of course, no sex!”
 
Like these women, Halima Namakula, the co-host of Akasaale K’omukwano, a show that tackles love issues on Bukedde Television, says for centuries, women have withheld sex from their husbands as punishment for misdemeanors.

“It is our main weapon and it often yields results,” she boasts. Namakula notes that women can testify to the punitive action’s efficiency.
 
While Namakula supports the act of withholding sex to tame men, the Reverend Denis Odoi, a counsellor at World Vision International, detests the action. “When you close your arms to him, another opens them.”
 
“There are many women willing to offer your husband sex and I doubt there is any woman comfortable sharing her husband with another.”
 
He says it does not matter what you are going through, your body belongs to your husband and his to you. Withholding sex should only be through mutual consent.
 
Odoi notes that women punish their husbands in many ways, including being aggressive and shutting them out of their lives completely, none of which is the right way of dealing with challenges in marriage.
 
“Sex can make or break marriage. No marriage lasts without it. It is as good as dead,” Odoi warns.

He says withholding sex may make the man give up on trying to work out things, which may push him into the arms of another woman. “And when it gets to that, you cannot rule out sexually-transmitted diseases,” he adds.
 
Odoi advises that when angry, a couple should sit and talk. The easiest way to do so, he says, is by agreeing on a particular day to discuss all the issues.

“Be friends. Friends meet and communicate on a regular basis through text, phone and email. The more you talk, the better,” he says.
 
Similarly, Joseph Musaalo, a counsellor at the Uganda Christian University in Mukono, warns: “Sex is addictive. It is like alcohol and drugs. When a man cheats on his partner, it might be hard for him to stop. And by the time the wife adjusts her ways, it may be too late.”
 
Michael, a salesman, says every man will testify to having been denied sex. When this happens, he says, he tries to make his wife happy.

“For example, I bathe the children or keep them busy as she goes about house chores. Before long, she will be smiling and I can get what I want.”
 
However, Mwesigwa, his colleague, is indifferent. “Even if she denied me sex, I would feel nothing. We have been together for almost 14 years. It is not a big deal if she declines to have sex with me. I would not even think of forcing myself on her because it is hard to enjoy sex if your partner does not want it,” he says.
 
Komakech, a mechanic, warns: “Deny him sex and he will secretly get it outside, whether you like it or not, no matter how religious you think he is. This is the simple truth.”
 
Would you deny your husband sex?

Ruth Birungi, secretary
It depends on the situation. If I am too angry, I may deny him sex to discipline him. But if he  apologises, I give in.
 
Florence Nalule, shop-keeper
I would deny him sex to express my anger. If he apologises, I forgive him and we reconcile.
 
Fiona Mpagi, university student
I would not deny my husband sex because he can use it as an opportunity to sleep with other women. Before you know it, you have a co-wife.
 
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Explore all options before a sex embargo
 
By Hilary Bainemigisha
 
Denying a partner sex is an age-old disciplinary measure in families. It was done by both men and women. And in a polygamous setting, wives were often hurt so much by it.
 
Today, couples still use it to punish each other, especially because society frowns on such traditional forms of punishment as beating, expelling or starving.
 
Women may give it preference because their alternatives are limited. Sex is a couple’s way of connecting emotionally, spiritually and physically. Not only is it referred to as the glue that holds a marriage together, but it is also the only activity that separates the couple’s relationship from others. That is why it is a big statement when it is withdrawn.
 
Types

Denial of sex can be a direct embargo to include all forms of romance, which implies a state of war, where you risk abandoning all other communication, except quarrels and arguments.
 
The relationship can remain amorous, but when it comes to the final sexual fulfilment, you remind him of the sanction and back off.
 
This can only be afforded by empowered women, who know they are protected from undue aggressive response.
The third form can be done passively, by just presenting the body for sex without being active.

The man will notice that your sexual offering has changed. This is common in places where the woman has no power to refuse.
 
Justification

Women have argued that this is the logical step, after sulking has failed. That men are ‘blind’ and need to be denied sex, before they realise that something is wrong and start negotiating for a solution.
 
Whether right or wrong, depends on many factors: It may be inevitable, like after discovery of infidelity, testing HIV-positive, bringing home an STD, undergoing STD treatment or refusal to test for HIV or STDs and when you are sick.

Other factors, depending on the severity of the situation, include being emotionally hurt, scared or in feats of anger, protesting his insistence on rough sex, refusal to bathe and other hygiene reasons.
 
Considerations

But before you decide to ‘loadshed’ him, first be convinced that your reason is genuine, be sure he really loves you (sexual rejection is appreciated by people in love, who want the relationship to continue on a fine road, otherwise you will be justifying his infidelity) and be able to precisely predict his reaction.

Do it only if you must, considering that it is also a type of sexual and emotional abuse. It is one acceptable ground for divorce in many countries and it is not only punishing him, but also yourself.
 
Never do it to win an argument, because you want to control him, to blackmail him into selfish projects (you do not want your sex to appear as a payment for work done), to assert herself or because you are not enjoying it. There are many better ways to communicate dissatisfaction in sex.

The writer is a relationship counsellor