Miles apart: When distance threatens to blow the fire out

Keeping the fire burning in a long distance marriage can be a daunting task. Couples split and families fall apart, but communication is an anchor on which such marriages can stand the test of time, writes Agnes Kyotalengerire 

Janet and Peter Mulindwa’s marriage was blissful. They had just celebrated their second anniversary and had been blessed with their first-born when Peter, who was working with a reputable firm in Kampala, was offered a transfer to one of the company’s up-country branches. 

Peter says although he desired to spend time with his family, he also had to meet their needs. “I had two options; to stay with my family and lose the job or to accept the transfer and miss my family,” he says. 

“The arrival of the baby came with the joy of parenting and a time to bond, but how could I parent by remote?” was Peter’s first reaction. 

On the other hand, Peter wondered how he would pay his family’s bills, take care of the baby and meet Janet’s needs. Peter weighed both options and decided to take the job up-country. 

Janet recalls that during the first four months, the separation did not affect the couple that much. They used to send each other e-mails and talked on phone many times a day. “Peter used to call to say good morning, find out what we had for lunch and to wish us a good night.” 

The couple even consulted each other on whatever decision they had to make, no matter how small or big it was. Their separation was made bearable by the fact that after every two weeks, Peter would travel home to spend the weekend with his family. 

However, the happiness was short-lived as Janet started noticing a change in Peter’s behaviour. “With time, Peter started delaying to pick my calls and eventually stopped picking them.” 

Janet says she sought to find out from Peter why he was behaving like that, but he brushed off her concerns by claiming that his job had become so demanding that he could not pick his calls all the time. Today, the couple’s marriage is on the rocks.

Jane is not alone. Ruth Nakimuli, another young married woman, has also tasted the bitter fruits of long distance marriage.  Nakimuli’s husband left for the United States soon after their wedding to pursue a two-year master’s degree course. 

Nakimuli recalls that the first year rolled by smoothly. The couple communicated regularly and he even returned home for a short holiday. However, trouble started in the second year. “My husband stopped communicating and sending assistance. When his course was done, he came back to the country, but not home.” 

He later forced Nakimuli to grant him a divorce and a month later, he married someone else. 

You can make a long distance marriage work
With the increasing work demands and changes in career, long distance relationships are becoming more common, according to Joseph Musaalo, a counselling psychologist with Uganda Christian University Mukono.  

Although there are a number of cases were couples split because of the separation, that does not mean long distance relationships cannot work out. Below are tips on how to keep your relationship’s fire burning when you are apart. 

Communication is a key factor in keeping a long distance marriage alive. Musaalo advises couples to stay in touch via e-mail, instant messaging, phone calls, exchanging photos and even sending each other letters. 

He says this ensures that couples do not take each other for granted or allow the little things that may negatively affect the relationship to accumulate. 

Musaalo advises to return all e-mails and phone calls promptly and acknowledge packages. 

Ronnie Mutebi, a counselling psychologist, says you can schedule online dates, keep a short journal of your daily events and e-mail them once a week. 

He adds that a couple can develop rituals such as asking one’s spouse to call with a bedtime story for the children or a goodnight kiss for you. 

You can keep a list of conversation starters, watch the same shows or read the same books so you have something fun to discuss. 

Different individuals respond to separation differently, but one common element is the feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Whenever one finds themselves in such a situation, Mutebi recommends reconnecting with oneself. 

He gives examples of one taking a class, going out with friends, learning a new skill or doing voluntary work. 

For the partner ‘on the road’, Mutebi suggests that they make the most of the time alone to explore the new locale or learn a new language. 

Regardless of whether the news of separation came before or after the engagement, it is important that the couple discuss how the family will move forward during that time. 

“Discuss how you are going to carry on with the proposed family projects and how the family will be maintained,” says Frank Kabushenga, a counsellor.

Depending on the cause of separation, Olive Namyalo, a marriage counsellor, advises that the couple understand the limits of each other’s patience. 

She says this will determine the measures the couple will put in place to safeguard their relationship against infidelity. However, Namyalo is quick to point out that infidelity is a risk all couples face. 

“But if you fear your spouse may be unfaithful, then the problem is not in the distance because people can cheat anywhere,” she adds. 

As a couple, share your feelings and concerns, rather than nagging to demand that your spouse accounts for every minute of his other time. 

Spending time together is important for couples. Depending on what is practical, the partner ‘on the road’ can travel once a month or a year to spend time with their better half. When you are together, do the things you enjoy. 

Though time usually flies when you are together, make sure you schedule time to talk about life, work, finances, family and any issues that may have arisen between the two of you, which are usually better resolved in person.

Effects on the family
Joseph Musaalo, a counselling psychologist working with Uganda Christian University Mukono, notes that although many people are separated from their families for the sake of earning a living, it costs their marriage. 

The children are bound to miss one of their parents. The parent “on the road” may fail to bond with the children, miss a number of their milestones and other joys of parenting. What’s worse is that when such a parent returns home and tries to make up for the lost time, they usually have to deal with the challenge of their children seeing them as strangers.

According to Ronnie Mutebi, a counselling psychologist, although a parent has to provide a fallback position for the lonely children, s/he suffers greatly the long absence of their partner. As a result of the long separation, couples tend to lose interest in being intimate with their partner, which can easily lead to a marriage breaking up. 

Bearing the financial burden of the family almost alone is another consequence, according to Maria Kiggundu, a married woman, who has been in a long distance marriage. At times it is difficult to raise money alone to pay domestic bills on time. It becomes even more difficult to explain to the children why some of their needs cannot be met right away because it is only one parent who is available. 

When the children fall sick, it is usually difficult for the parent who is living with them to cope, adds Kiggundu. One has to nurse, run around to buy medication or take the child to hospital at the same, while also taking care of the other children’s needs. 

But not all is gloom and doom for couples in long distance relationships. 

Mutebi says he has interacted with a number of couples who sing praises about the arrangement. “When you are apart, each party looks forward to meeting the other. Even after you meet, you are like visitors. You want to fully utilise the time you have together. Each party struggles to please the other so there is no nagging and quarrels.”