I do not know my fiance's home

Tina Mukisa, a secretary, has been in a romantic relationship with Joseph (not real name) for four years, but she does not know his relatives, friends or where he lives. Juliet Kasirye brings you her experience 

I am three months pregnant. When I met Joseph, he told he had separated with the mother of his two children 10 years ago. The only other information he volunteered was where he worked. I only accidentally met him once with his son when I was moving around Kampala. 

 

Odd as it may sound, I do not know much about Joseph. I do not know where he lives and I have never met any of his relatives and friends.  

 

We hang out in bars, restaurants and sleep in guesthouses or at my place. I tried to convince my boyfriend to take me to his home, but he turned a deaf ear to my pleas. 

 

I confided in my close friend about not knowing much about my boyfriend and she advised me to not to get out of my boyfriend’s car when he drops me off. She told me to insist that he takes me to his home. 

 

I followed this advice to the letter, but it did not yield the intended results. Instead, my boyfriend got furious and drove to a guesthouse and barked at me that we either spend the night there or I sleep in the car. 

 

I painfully got into the guesthouse. At about 4:00am, I heard him creeping out of the room. I followed him and he claimed that he had to rush home to prepare his 13-year-old-son for school. This was not the first time he was creeping out on me. I also noticed that he often creeps out of the bed at about 3:00am, goes to the toilet and chats with a woman, I believe. 

 

Following that argument, he has spent three months without calling or sending me a text message. 

When I tried to provoke him by beeping his phone consistently, he called back and said he had vowed never to meet me in his car since I could refuse to get out. 

 

He also told me that I should consider myself lucky because many gorgeous women are yearning for his affection. He also threatened me that I should never get intimate with another man because I would regret it for life. 

 

When I expressed my disappointment in the way he treats me, he told me to ignore that because we love and understand each other. 

 

Two years ago, he proposed marriage to me and we began planning for an introduction ceremony and a church wedding. However, he kept postponing the introduction ceremony and we have never had it.  

I am puzzled because although I have been hurt a lot in this relationship, I still deeply love Joseph.

 

A man’s marital status has been blamed for his hesitation to take his girlfriend to his home. 

Wilber Karugahe, a counselling psychologist at Kyambogo University, explains that married and divorced men are less likely to take their lovers home or introduce them to their parents, friends and relatives.

 

He attributes this to the fact that such men have probably been disappointed by one too many women and as such do not want to get close to any other woman lest they get hurt. 

 

Many men today are involved in multiple relationships on their search for Miss Right. Many such men told Her Vision that they cannot risk taking their new conquests home lest they bump into their other girlfriends. 

 

Moses Muwanga, who has been married for 30 years, adds that many married men pursue other women and as such will never take their new catches to their homes.  

 

Another common trend is single men tend to shift residences quite often, sometimes as many as three times in a year. Other men live with housemates, who they cannot trust where their girlfriends are concerned. 

 

According to Sarah Mirembe, who has been married for six years, some “deny their girlfriends an opportunity to know their homes because they do not have permanent residences. “For example, if your partner is living with his friend who is married, he will always lie to you to avoid disrespecting his friend’s home,” she says.  

 

In the same breath, a number of men pretend to be who they are not. Fred Musisi, a corporate executive, says some men feel insecure to take their partners to their residence because most men pretend to be rich yet they are poor. Some men also reach to a point of deceiving their partners that they own estates yet they live in slums. 

 

A number of men have complained that many women pretend to be who they are, only to reveal their true colours when they have snagged the man. Many men Her Vision talked to said they first carry out a number of tests to find out their potential partner’s real colours and if she passes the test, she is taken home. 

 

Hakim Kasozi, a counsellor at Masaka Secondary School, explains that in most cases men take women to their residences depending on how serious the relationship is. If the relationship has just started, it is not easy for most men to take their girlfriends to their homes.

 

If a woman insists on staying in a relationship where she does not know where her partner lives and does not know who his friends and relatives are, she is in for tougher times. Joseph Musaalo, a counselling psychologist at Uganda Christian University, Mukono, explains the risks such a woman is taking. 

 

l If the couple has children, chances are high the partner will abandon the children and their mother. He could easily cut off all the communication when they least except it. 

 

l And when the children are older, they will always ask their mother to show them who their father is and where they belong and she would be at a loss of words. 

 

l Musaalo adds that in case of any unfortunate occurrences like death, it may be difficult to get burial grounds for that child. This is because in most African cultures, when a child passes on, they are supposed to be buried at their father’s ancestral home. 

l Musaalo explains that in cases where a man does not want to show you his home, family and friends, it could mean that he might be of a dubious character. Yet, the foundation of any good relationship is that the two of you get to understand each other, your partner’s background and friends. 

 

l Women need to know their partner’s family so they can get access to the family’s medical history. This enables one to identify such conditions like sickle cell, anaemia, asthma and heart diseases, which their children could easily be predisposed to. This makes it easier to prevent, control or even treat such conditions.

 

So if a woman does not have such information about her partner, she risks exposing her children to conditions that she would have easily prevented. 

 

Musaalo also recommends women who are facing such a challenge to always seek counselling from experts because this is a serious issue, which requires immediate help.

 

Joseph Serwadda, a pastor at Victory Christian Centre, Kampala, says during courtship, if the relationship is not based on truth, chances are high that one of the partners will live a lie. He adds that in most cases if a man or woman does not want to show you where he lives, he will never show you his family and friends.

 

Serwadda advises that as soon as you detect his hesitation to take you to his home, let go of that relationship.

Hakim Kasozi, a counsellor at Masaka Secondary School, explains that if a woman wants a man to take her to his residence, she should try to coax and also convince him that she is committed to the relationship, ready for marriage and she needs to know where they will live as a couple.

 

Otherwise, if a man often takes a woman to a lodge or guesthouse that implies that it is a casual relationship and the man is not interested in marrying her.