She says...He says...

She says...

By MACLYNN KEMIGISHA

I don’t want to have babies. This declaration normally doesn’t go down well with most people. I don’t know whether it’s because I am female, and, therefore, should be genetically inclined to enjoying bathing in baby puke or whether our society values the existence of a child more than the person it popped out of. But whatever it is, saying it is generally received as if I had actually said “I like suffocating old people while they sleep.”

I have breasts, a womb (which I would happily give back to God in a pretty box with a ‘thanks for the thought card), and all the lady-parts that go along with it. I am physically designed to spawn. But, I am a firm believer in the just-because-you-can doesn’t-meant-you-should approach to having children.

Although God may have given me the parts necessary to create a tiny version of me, he did not give me the emotional or mental operator’s manual. Or, come to think of it, a return policy for unused parts. Because I am now, apparently, at a certain age, I get the “when are you going to start having children” question a lot.

While the honest answer is “I’m not” or “when Jesus comes back”, the subsequent responses take so much energy to deal with that I usually reply with something along the lines of “Er, are those new shoes? Where did you get them?” and hope the subject drops.

People give weird retorts when a woman announces that she is not planning on breeding, and they range from short and sweet (and not understanding) to very demeaning (while not understanding).

Most convey the implication that a woman is somehow less female/feminine/capable of love, because she isn’t popping out children. And this gets me upset, and when I am upset, my mouth shoots off and engages in slurs before my brain and sense of decorum do.

So sometimes, I tell people that I will not give birth because I like my breasts exactly where they are instead of being able to play “keep them up” with them like soccer balls. And I definitely don’t like to sleep less than two hours a night because my baby is crying or because I am worried my teenager is getting impregnated or in jail for indecent exposure.

Not even the ‘possibility’ that I will bond with a child I carry for nine months offers a safety net for me. I respect parents, but I am also kind of enjoying life on my side of the fence. The side where, if I get out of bed in the morning, great! If I don’t, no one starves. It is because of that that I refuse to join the rank of motherhood.

He says...

By GEORGE WABWEYO

So she intimates to me that she doesn’t want to have children. For a fleeting moment I am over the moon. This is paradise for me.

No unwanted pregnancies, no swollen diapers, no maternity bills (but I wouldn't have minded paternity leave), no expensive clothes…practically not anything and a lot of money will stay idle in my bank account. Uh! That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Then, I got back to my sense.

Gasp! Choke! Freeze! Wait a minute, did she just say, she does not want children? Oh oh, we are going to have a biiiig problem here. 

Let me get it straight, she has been given everything, and I mean everything that can enable her to have children including a nice bum to attract alpha males (this assures you of good kids) and she does not want to procreate? Now the world is gone oh!

It is like, sorry to use this example, having a fridge which does not make stuff cold, it is like Umeme being given the mandate to supply power only for it to be more known for not supplying it! Crazy! Mbu, I do not want to have children, so your parents were dumb to have you? 

I bet if any parent hears their children saying that they do not want offspring, they would regret why they themselves did not use protection. If I was in your position, dear woman, and I had the equipment, why wouldn’t I make babies? And the process, I am told, is fun! But thank God I do not have all the ‘equipment’.

First it’s one woman saying she does not want children and before you know it, almost every woman will follow suit.

We will be annihilated! Time for a reality check! You are dealing with African men, who will always want a continuation of their progeny! That is why we go through boring schools and get worthless jobs. So that we can have children who can go through the same and the cycle continues!

Anyway, it is a city of many women and we are very handsome men, with good jobs and big cars and we want babies. For every woman who does not want to have babies, there are like a million, who will willingly churn out a million babies for you.

So here is what will happen, when my son drives his Mercedes Benz filled with my grandchildren and lots of shopping to visit me, you will be in an old people’s home. Oh, wait a minute, there is no old people’s home in Uganda. And no one will ever invest in that business. It has poor returns!