Why hate his mom when you accepted to marry him

Jun 21, 2012

EVERY husband is also a son. You would have thought this was obvious… Till you meet his husband’s wife.

EVERY husband is also a son. You would have thought this was obvious… Till you meet his husband’s wife. Either most women don’t acknowledge that their husbands were born of women, or they think after they take over running (or ruining) those men’s lives, the earlier woman ceases to matter. 

Indeed there is a malignant Luganda proverb to the effect that it is better to find a grave (at your husband’s home) than meet your motherin-law. But even when she is dead, you cannot wish her and her influence away. Grave reality, but truer than you want to accept.

To understand why your aversion to your mother-in-law is unfair and unjustified, let us start from the basics: Do you love your man? Is there anything admirable about him? Do you, for instance, like the way he deals with women, including his wife? Here is some news for you: That is the work of the other woman you think is the worst blot on your marriage.

Your mother-in-law. She actually told her son, your hubby, to respect and treat women well. She told him no man worth his salt assaults women. 

She told him to love and care for his family. Whether she had the luck to have such a man herself — a man who didn’t batter her; one who cherished and adored her or not, she still learnt the value in her son(s) being such men, and she inculcated those attitudes in your husband.

Okay, he might not be the good type. He might be abusive, lousy and irresponsible. Granted. Sad, too. So? Is that reason enough to hate his mother? Did she sneak up on you, catch you in a net like a hunter does an antelope and drag you to her son? For if you married him out of a mutually agreed arrangement, why hate his mom? 

I hate to be the one preparing you for this, but unless you owe it to the Catholic Church to bear their next generation of priests, you are most certainly going to bear a couple of husbands for a handful of wives. 

Know what that will make of you? A motherin-law. And believe me, this unfortunate culture of women hating and mistreating their mothers-in-law is not ending with you. Is that comfortable, Ma’am? No? How so? But mothers-in-law are despicable beings!

It is interesting watching these two women relate with each other. The daughter-in-law going on about venerating the older woman, calling her ‘mother” [in some cultures] and generally making a melodramatic show of it… Until the mother-in-law steps out. 

First thing: that loooong jeer like the Nigerian film actresses mastered before they learnt to spell their own names. Then she will crush the next thing she touches, to signify what she would relish doing to her husband’s mother, if only she had her way.

On the other hand, the mother-in-law sits by, watching, a little untameable leer on her face, her old heart bursting with despair, longing for the first chance alone with her son, to ask the oldest question dissatisfied mothers ask their sons: What did you fancy on/in that woman?

You would think that since they share something in common, they would love each other. No, they must fight, pull each her own way and do all in their powerless means to deride, mudsling and torment each other.

If I were part of that mess, there is a group I would borrow a tiny leaf from: The men. Which man gives a rat’s butt whether his father-in-law is bony, fat, polite or rude? A guy will love his woman for what she is worth, not because his father-in-law is obnoxious or not. Besides, fathers of little girls want to ‘help’ their sons-in-law treat their little girls well, so they can’t afford to fight them. What if the son takes it out on the daughter, his wife?

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