Disciplining another's child?

 

You invite your friend’s child over to your house for a play date. Moments later, you realise this little guest is a pain in the neck. He does not want to share his toys, grabs your child’s toys and throws them out of the house. When your daughter runs to pick them up, the “grabber” quickly pushes her and she falls down; much to his delight. An annoying brat, isn’t he?

 

You would feel even angrier if the mother, instead of reprimanding him, remarks: “Oh! Boys will be boys.” 

Back in the day, the natural instinct would be to discipline this little monster whether or not he was your child. Today, your uninvited intervention will most likely offend the parent, even when you are right. Maybe they could even file an assault complaint with the Police. In the end, it is no longer a problem just between the children, but their parents as well. 

 

So how do you discipline another person’s child without crossing the line? Should you even say anything at all? 

Wilber Twiine, a sociologist and founder of the East African Association of Parenting and marriage consultants shares some ideas:

 

The first step is to keep your anger and your bossiness in check. Slapping the child could, by fate, make him lose consciousness. 

 

Stay calm, but firmly tell both your child and her date that you do not tolerate certain behaviour in your house. Don’t laugh or frown. Maintain a serious face. Children can tell when an adult is cross with them. 

 

Calmly hug him and ask him why he behaves the way he does. Let him know that the next time he does it, he will not have friends to play with or be given toys.

 

After talking to the offender, call up the mother and explain what actually happened. For instance, say: “I talk tough to our children so they don’t embarrass us next time we are having guests or attending a party.” 

 

If she comes off unbothered by her child’s behaviour, try to encourage her into getting more interested. Try: “I don’t want to sound mean, but think about it; if Marvin always has his way to anything as a toddler, won’t he drive you nuts when he’s a teenager and hormones are playing up?”  

 

Make it clear that your child can’t put up with bad behaviour and maybe other parents too may not. She might not listen, immediately, but it will have sunk. No sane mother would want an unruly child.

 

Claire Mugisha always thought her five-year-old was only a baby, until she attended a birthday party, and her “baby” was busy fighting for her friends’ snacks. She would throw them on the floor and gleefully trample on them, before going back to fight for more cake. 

 

“It was so embarrassing,” Mugisha recalls. “Everyone was blaming me for not being tough on my daughter. I left the scene immediately and as soon as we got into the car, I gave her a thorough beating.”

 

According to Twiine, there are simple steps you can take to ensure that your child appreciates fellow children.

Tell them anecdotes that distinguish between what is good and bad. Some children know from tales that God will write them in his book if they do bad to their friends.

 

Should they misbehave, deny them an opportunity to go out to play next time. Since children naturally love to play, they will know that you or their play date is unhappy with them.

 

Depending on your child’s level of communication, talk to him about his behaviour. Saying “be a good girl” is better than saying “you are bad. Don’t beat your friend.” For they will beat them up to simply add to the drama.