Are you married but still feeling single?

Many marriages start out with full-blown fireworks, but as time goes by, the fire seems to fizzle out. Michael Kanaabi explores why

The fire in Grace’s romance with her husband of five years was very hot when they had just started out. It grew much stronger when they got engaged. Their wedding and honeymoon were memorable too.

For the first year of marriage, they could not have enough of each other. They went to the movies together, had dinner dates and run errands together. It looked like they were on their way to having a long happy, life together.

But like any fire that goes out, if not stoked, their relationship sparks fizzled out as they settled into living together.

According to Grace, work, children and the extended family took a toll on their relationship, gradually destroying their once perfect romance.

Grace is not alone. According to Anita Karugaba, a counselling psychologist, couples begin to grow apart after they see most of each other’s weaknesses first hand.

Why the change?
Change is a constant of life so however much you were in love and promised to never let a thing come between you, Karugaba says career demands and other challenges may push you to break these promises.

Besides, the things you loved doing together like going to the movies, the evening dates at your favourite restaurant and the weekends at the beach will all feel routine at one point, according to Karugaba, and will be abandoned.

Many couples start out as lovers and not as friends, so they may lack hobbies or other interests they can fall back on when the love feelings are not as strong.

Things get out of hand
A time comes when your relationship is far from where it started off and because you are too busy sorting out other ‘pressing’ issues in your life, you don’t realise how far you have drifted from your spouse. This can go on until a few months down the road when you notice it’s been long since you really talked or got intimate with your man.

It is then that you realise you are a ‘married single woman’. All you have to show for your marriage is a marriage certificate and the fact that you stay in the same house with your man.

You can hang on and try redeeming your love
If you still cherish that marriage, you can choose to find a way of working things out. Endeavour to communicate more as this is the first step towards rebuilding your crumbling romance.

Joan Mubezi, a counsellor, suggests that you spare a minute to text or call your spouse to lighten up their mood and remind them you are still interested in them. And as the communication improves, it will become easier to deal with the issues.

The children came in, got you all taken up and for some time made you forget you got married to a great man, so you need to go back to the beginning and spend time with your spouse alone. With time, you will realise a rebirth in your intimacy and deeper understanding of each other.

Remember that support, those sacrifices you made just to remind him you cared and appreciate him? It’s time you gave him that push to the tennis courts again if he is a tennis freak or to the movies if he is a movie fanatic. Before you know it, he will be returning the favour, exciting you and your romance will catch fire again.

You can also do something together in spite of your busy schedules. According to Mubezi, it can be as simple as bathing the children together, cooking or gardening together just to be in each other’s company. In the process, talk, laugh and rebuild the love. If you choose to go this way and do so consistently, things will start to fall into place.

Signs that you must move on If your spouse has consistently neglected you and even gone a step ahead to continuously abuse you both physically and verbally, psychologist Anita Karugaba says it’s time to move on. She notes that such a relationship could degenerate further into depression on your side if you insist on staying in it.

If your goals in life are different and you have failed to find common ground after numerous attempts, Karugaba suggests the solution is to call it quits and avoid a more painful separation later.

If you are not in his plans, his schedule and whatever hurts or concerns you is now nonsense to him, the only way is out for you. According to Karugaba, if he routinely cheats, then it’s time to opt out.

Before you move on
But before you call the relationship off, consider the timing. It might just be a rough patch in your relationship. However, if you are convinced it’s a collapse of your love, move on.

Consider your feelings for the person outside what’s happening. If you still love them, may be you should give him a chance. But if it turns out you are just holding on for everything else apart from love, letting go would be the best way out.

If you have for long tried to patch things up and failed consistently, it’s time to take a painful step and let go.