Marriage or career: Graduates' hardest puzzle

By Vision reporter

The term ‘sad year’ is a cheeky reference to the female students’ thirdyear at university, I once learned from a lecturer. “To most single girls in their final year at university, it is a sad year. To them, life after university without a man is considered doom.

They assume that after university, they will be old and unattractive, which makes it hard for them to get men to take their hand in marriage. To them, marriage immediately after university is the norm,” the male lecturer said.

However, the assumption is not specific to all, girls because different societies have different beliefs on the age at which girls should get married.

Society
While some girls are taught that the right time to marry is a few months after graduation, for others it is after they have at least earned a master’s degree. There are also those who are advised to first develop strong financial muscle before considering marriage. Then there are the big-headed, who incessantly echo Ngungi wa Thiongo’s play, I will marry when I want, when parents begin putting them on pressure against their will.

A friend at university once told me that her senga (paternal aunt) told her that she was attending university for two major reasons; to earn a degree and a husband. However, my mother has a different school of thought regarding the time for marriage.

While there is photographic evidence that she was heavily pregnant with her first-born on her graduation day, 32 years on, when my 28-yearold sister told her that her fiancé of two years had proposed marriage, she hastily advised:

“First do your masters before you think of getting married.”

When is the right time?
For Joy Kihuguru, a presenter on Urban TV, the right time for marriage is after developing considerable financial muscle. “I wanted to reach a level where I was financially stable. I think a woman demands more respect from a man when she acquires considerable financial muscle before starting a family,” “I also wanted to first focus on my career, but now, I feel like settling down. However, the challenge is that being in the media, people have a different perception of me.

A nice guy out there may fear to approach me, thinking I am unapproachable,” says Kihuguru, who is single and searching. Nonetheless, she adds, she does not have any regrets. “Perhaps, because I have a child, I cannot sit back and regret having put my career first.

I would probably be regretting if I had no child. That is usually what a woman without a child at my age would be doing. Nonetheless, I want to settle down and I am looking.”

Unlike Kihuguru, Comfort Asiimwe of Care Counselling Centre, says she got married right after university. Today, her first-born is 15 years and the last is five months. “I knew what I wanted. I was psychologically ready for marriage and it had nothing to do with peer pressure.”

According to Anne Asiimwe, a counsellor, there is no standard time to get married. “It is a personal choice one should make as soon as they feel they are ready and mature enough, physically and emotionally.

Similarly, Kihuguru says: “I would not advise a young girl to follow my lead of putting career and finances first; I think it is a personal decision. If you find a friend with whom you want to build your life, then go ahead.

” Marry for the right reasons
Phoebe Bisaaso, a counsellor with WADE Ministries, says one should evaluate the reasons behind their decision to get married, before taking that step. “Draw up a list of why you are getting married. Make sure you do not have to talk yourself or your fiancé into the marriage.

“Even with undying love for each other, do you really know this person enough? They are meant to be your partner for the rest of your life, so you should not rush into marriage due to peer pressure. Marriage is for a lifetime and therefore, should not be taken as a joke. It is not like the blouse you wear in the morning and throw away a few minutes later because you do not feel smart,” Bisaaso adds.

Today, Bisaaso says, the right age for marriage must coincide with the availability of resources.

“Finances matter a lot, especially if the two of you have just finished university and have no jobs. The wedding alone will drain you financially. You should also consider the arrival of children, which means more expenses.” She warns against marrying out of peer pressure.

“You risk marrying a stranger because during the start of a relationship, everyone puts their best foot forward. You have to learn about each other beyond that. And if your goal is to marry as soon as possible, you are likely to marry a stranger!”

Bisaaso warns that marriage should be approached with caution. “The wedding is just a one-day affair, yet marriage is for a lifetime. So, take your time.

“You should not simply jump into it. You do not simply decide, I am 28, it is time to get married
and go on rampage to get a husband before 29. If you want to get married at 28, you should start looking for a partner much earlier,” she says.

Bisaaso blames the current high levels of infidelity on people marrying for the wrong reasons and, therefore, the wrong time.

BIO LOGICA L CLOC K
Because in our setting marriage often denotes children, medically, there is a sort of specific time for marriage. According to Henry Bukenya, a gynaecologist at Mulago Hospital, 24 to 28 years is the best age group within which to bear children.

“In that age group, the pelvis is perfectly healthy and the necessary hormones are at their peak. Mothers in that age group normally have natural births as a result of their flexible pelvis.”

Nonetheless, not all is gloom and doom for women above this age bracket. Bukenya notes that the age bracket of 28 to 35 is also ideal for childbirth, although not as safe as that of 24 to 28. “During this age group, the pelvis is weaker and so the chances of delivering normally are minimal.

He says child birth at this age is made riskier by conditions a woman may have developed such as diabetes, fibroids, hypertension, cervical cancer, among others.

He warns that beyond the age of 35, miscarriages are common. Before 21, they are too young and may not be able to carry the pregnancy to full gestation.

Asiimwe says if one decides to start with their career, that is their decision, though many say it might be hard to find love after that. But she adds: “If you hang out in the right places, you will find a man.

Attend singles’ meetings and the like.”

At what age should a woman get married?

Ken Katuramu, presenter XFM
At 29 or 30. Earlier than that, say at 23, she is immature. Soon, she will envy her friends who are partying, while she is seated at home. But at 29, she has had a blast, has been through heartbreaks, partied and is ready to settle down.

Gerald Karuhanga, MP
At 24 or 25. At that age, the woman is mature and has probably finished her first degree. Even if she has not had the opportunity to go to school, she is still mature enough to make decisions without anyone’s influence and this is key, since marriage is a lifetime commitment.

Brian Kasirye, IT assistant
At 28 because at that stage, she is mature enough to make wise decisions. If a woman has completed her studies and she is working, there is no reason why she should remain single.

Nelson Tugume, Businessman
Anyone above 18 can get married and make a good partner.

Chris Manigaruhanga, accountant
From 21 and above because at that age, she is able to make decisions which she may not regret. She even knows what is best for her.