Do I really know my wife?

Sometimes men go out of their way to investigate their partners’ past and Juliet Kasirye found out why

 

“When I met Peter, I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. Little did I know that it wouldn’t last after he checked out my background,” says Gladys (not real name), of Busega.

 

Gladys recalls that at the beginning of the relationship, it was all fun loving and cuddling with Peter. And that even though  she always wanted to confess to him about her past she was terrified about how he would react if she told him that she was a widow.

 

“I met Peter a few months after Richard, my husband, passed away. He had AIDS. I was not bold enough to confess that to Peter. But I often felt that Peter would quit the relationship as soon as he found out,” says Gladys.

 

She had to constantly come up with lies about her background whenever Peter inquired about it, or heard rumours about her from their neighbours.

 

“I strongly regret hiding the truth from Peter but I felt that I could not confess before we got married. I was afraid such news would jeopardise my introduction ceremony,” narrates Gladys.

 

But her worst nightmare happened. 

One  night, Peter went to the bar for a few drinks and when he got to her apartment, he started yelling and crying, claiming that she was a “slut who was spreading HIV to any      innocent man who approached her”.

 

Gladys says, “I managed to control my emotions and admit the truth to him. I also asked him to go for a blood test to find out his status, and luckily, he later discovered he was negative.”

 

“But up to this day, Peter has never given me a chance to explain why I kept quiet. I was doing it to save our relationship,” she explains.

 

So, should a man take his lady at her word when she tells him about her past or should he carry out his own investigation?

“Men start investigating their spouses when they realise that they are stealing their money,” says Fred Mpagi of Busega.

 

“For example, I was forced to investigate my fiancée because I always lost money whenever she came to visit,” he says.

Mpagi broke up with her when he discovered that his fiancée’s father had been burnt to death by a mob that suspected that he was a thief.

 

“I was not ready to share a bed with a woman I could not trust.”

Sarah Mirembe, a beautician at Zzana beauty salon, says if a man carries out a background check on his spouse, chances are high that he might discover false information which could ruin his marriage,     

especially if the person spreading the gossip is holding a grudge against his wife.

 

Mirembe adds that some men investigate their partners if they 

hear rumours that their spouses slept around before they got 

married. Such men will search for  background information to prove their partners innocent. However, if they realise that there is some truth to the gossip, many men call it quits immediately.

 

Ruth Kirabo, a housewife, observes that it is embarrassing to discover that your partner has been investigating your background, especially if you did crazy things when you were younger or want to keep family secrets . 

 

“My father-in-law is a pastor and my parents are witchdoctors, so when I was getting married, I didn’t confess that to my husband because I thought he would be influenced by his parents to cancel the wedding.”

 

However, her husband started investigating her background because she often asked for permission to go to the village to visit her parents. 

 

Fortunately, when her husband discovered that her parents were witchdoctors, he consulted the church leaders and they managed to solve their issues amicably.

 

 

So what would you do if you found out your spouse had a tricky past?

Richard Oridi, a counsellor at Christ the king church says: “Many people would love to get

background information on their partners. but if you are married, it is useless to investigate, because chances are high that you will receive false information which might ruin your relationship.”

 

Oridi adds that in most cases, women force men to investigate their background because of the way they behave, especially if the woman hangs out late with her husband’s friends. 

 

Such a man will always be insecure and anxious to find out what you do with his friends.

“If you are married and you discover that your spouse has a questionable background, seek help from church leaders and marriage counsellors to solve your grievances amicably. However, if you are dating and you discover that your girlfriend comes from a family of thieves or murderers, quit the relationship as soon as possible” advises Oridi.

 

Margaret Kasirye, a marital coach at Nakinga church, explains that in past, parents chose marriage 

partners for their children, but today, people meet and get married without first investigating each other’s background. 

“In some relationships, most people don’t always confess the truth about their background before they get married since they are afraid of losing their partners,” observes Kasirye.

 

Kasirye believes that in some relationships, men investigate their partners depending on their character and the way they behave at home. Some women expose their true colours after the wedding. 

 

“I once talked to a couple and the husband confessed to me that he was forced to investigate his wife’s background because she often threatened to kill him with knives and pangas whenever they had a fight

 

“You should not file for divorce if you have investigated and discovered that your spouse had a bad background. Instead, try to control your temper, however bad the information might be. Try to discuss the information you gathered.

 

If she apologises, forgive her and reconcile. If you fail to reach to an agreement, seek counselling from professionals,” advises Kasirye.