Are you shielding her too much?

Apr 24, 2012

There is a believe that daughters are vulnarable and need extra care and protection from there parents. But is this still neccessary in this day and age?

There is a believe that daughters are vulnarable and need extra care and protection from there parents. But is this still neccessary in this day and age? writes Frank Isabirye
 
Like the fresh aroma of coffee hanging in the air, the memories of growing up with overly protected, pampered sisters still linger on the mind of one lad I had a chat with. “I still remember those painful times when my parents gave my sisters more pocket money than me, and visited them at school with the alarming frequency of the riots in Kampala, yet showed little interest in my visitation day,” he confessed. 
 
Though time has tried to heal those wounds, the scars are evident, judging by the way he refers to his sisters as “the ones who never broke a sweat and always got everything on a silver platter.”
 
The Baganda have an old adage; “Tosala gwakawala nga ogwakalenzi togulabye.” (Consider both sides before passing judgment). Applying this adage when dealing with raising children is hard for most parents. Reason being, parents naturally tend to protect their daughters more than sons. It is routine in families to witness girls getting all sorts of attention and special treatment at the expense of boys. 
 
Catherine Kaliba, a mother, says: “Children have needs, though I could say the girls needs are a little special. A boy can be given one or two underpants and he can bear with that. On the contrary, a girl needs a dozen knickers, if you know what I mean.” 
But that young boy who looks on as his sister’s every wish is granted by the parents, while his are put on hold, does not understand as ably as we adults do. This could be detrimental to his growth, confidence and self-worth.  
 
As parents, we instinctively succumb to the urge to protect our daughters more than sons. We tell them not to climb trees, not to fight, keep them in doors, give them more pocket money and grub, side with them during sibling fights and exempt them from doing some house chores. And of course, there is valid justification just like another mother put it: “The freedom I give my son is not the same I give my daughter. Why? Because a girl can get pregnant and a boy cannot.”
 
We forget that our sons have emotions and more depth than meets the eye. Why aren’t we afraid for them as well? It is much easier for a girl to walk up to her mother and talk freely about the boys trying to “hit on her.” Simply because she knows her parents are receptive. The reverse is true with the boy, who has no one to talk to concerning the bullies who beat him up at school. 
 
 
Dont shield your girls because...
-The girls confidence and self-esteem could be affected. By molly-coddling or being overly protective of your daughter, a parent is only making her more dependent and inhibiting her attempts to learn to do things by herself. Overprotective parents unintentionally make their children feel incapable of handling things by themselves.
 
-Overly protective parents who control their daughters more and more out of fright of what may happen to them, decrease their daughters’ freedom.
 
-Overprotective parents counter hard times trying to defend their daughters when they become women, go to university and meet friends. Guilt and insecurity catches up with them as it dawns on them that they didn’t teach their girls to be prepared. So they try to control and monitor what’s going on in their lives when at the univeristy. 
 
-Parents who over shelter their daughters may lose credibility in their sons’ eyes. This is because the sons feel that they are denied the normal pursuits of growing up as part of a happy family. And often, they react with resistance because they have lost credibility in their parents. 
 
-As children are growing older, they often do not perceive parental overprotectiveness as love and concern. They believe that their parents just do not trust them to be sensible and responsible. Consequently, overly sheltered girls can react to their parents’ lack of trust in them with defiance and resistance.
 
Solutions
-Overprotective parents should change their attitude if they want their children to grow up independent and confident. If a parent suspects that he is excessively protective, fearful and inhibiting, let them seek advice and share concerns with other parents. This will act as a reality check. While there is no need to adopt other people’s opinions as gospel truth, the advice and information can help you make an informed decision about what is safe for your children.
 
-Kaliba advises: “Learn to sit down with your children and explain some of the things they don’t understand. Explain to the girl why you shelter her more than the boy. Also explain to the boy the difference between his needs and those of his sister’s so he does not confuse it for sibling favouritism. And when a boy demands to know why you are giving the girl more pocket money or granting her every material need, don’t shut him down like most parents. Rather, listen to him and explain yourself.”
 
-What is safe and acceptable will always be a bone of contention between parents and children, but the important thing is for parents to realise that sometimes they just need to let go.
 
-As parents, we should learn to trust our children. Trust your children by giving them the tools to survive in this cold and cruel world. Teach your child how to fend for him or herself and how to do it effectively. This will mitigate your being overly protective while nurturing mutual trust between you and your child. 
 
-There is a fine line between responsible parenting and overprotective parenting. No one would tell a parent not to protect their child —- just don’t overprotect. Trust that you’ve raised your child well enough to make sound decisions and be there to offer advice when solicited. Because if your child is accustomed to coddling and overprotection, he or she is in for a hard, cruel awakening when real life slaps them hard.
 
-As a parent, learn to let your child fix their own mistakes. This will hold you in check from becoming overly protective. What follows naturally from letting your children make their own decisions is letting them experience the consequences of those decisions. If you want your child to be resourceful and self-reliant, you have to let them work through issues on their own.
 
 
 

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