For 12 years, we waited for a child

The importance of love, commitment and trusting God is illustrated in the marriage of Pastor Mark Kigozi, 44, and
his wife Maureen Kigozi, 40.

Despite not having a biological child for 12 years, they decided to wait on God until Melody, their daughter was born. Mark shared their story with Samuel Lutwama

Perhaps it was not love at first sight, but it was close. Maureen and I first met in 1989 when she was an usher in Kampala Pentecostal Church, now Watoto Church. I was attracted by her pretty appearance and the love for life seemed to shine through everything she did in her ministry. In 1999, we got married in a simple, glamorous and romantic wedding.

With a fully legal and viable relationship before God and man, our marriage was set in motion.

Pressure to get children
Our honeymoon years ended when we started experiencing the pressure to have a child in our second year in marriage. We got criticism and all kinds of pressure from family members and some close friends. Those who could not tell us openly, gossiped about our failure to have children. In the church too, the situation was not any better.

During that time, I was serving as a pastor in Watoto Church. My fellow pastors would give all sorts of advice from deepening my prayer life to seeking medical counsel from either a sex therapist or gynaecologist. We did that.

As months went by, apprehension took the best of us and we decided to try medical counsel. To our shock, the doctors told us there was nothing wrong with us.

One doctor even laughed after doing tests on us and found us capable of having children. His reaction led us to stop seeking any more medical counsel. We continued to pray and ask God why? We learnt what God means when He says: “Trust me”.

We had heard of couples who broke up because of the failure to conceive, but our situation
brought us closer. Our faith on the possibility of God to bless us with children did not flinch.
Eventually, Maureen and I asked ourselves why we were so concerned about having biological children; would having children add or subtract anything from our marriage?

Adoption
We decided to adopt children, but that did not ease the pressure and criticism. Every time we introduced ourselves as a married couple, the next question would be how many children we had. When we would talk about our adopted children, some people would get disappointed.

Melody, our gift
We still had a little anxiety from not being able to have a biological child. But, we decided that children are gifts from God and a gift is not something you ask, but something you receive when it is given. So, we stopped anxiously asking God for children.

Interestingly, the moment we thought that nothing would actually happen, in 2011, Maureen
got pregnant with Melody. Through it all, we learnt that God works in mysterious ways and His ways are always the best as He said in Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.”

Although God finally blessed us with Melody, we do not feel more attached to her than our
adopted children. In fact, we feel that she is just our third born.

We are grateful to God for the gift of Melody. With her birth on March 29, our love feels purer than it has been for the last 12 years of our marriage. Melody was delivered by cesarean section at SAS Clinic, Kampala Road. I was beside my wife in the operating room and the experience of my wife delivering our daughter still runs in my mind.                                                                                         A proud Mark with baby Melody

Adoption is parenthood                                                                              
Our society has portrayed those without biological children as less men or women, even though they have tried to adopt children like we did with Melissa and Maxwell. I have known a couple who have always wanted to adopt children but were concerned about the social stigma, claiming
that they would be looked at as social failures.

I have also heard of cases where men left their spouses in search for babies, but in the end, after
getting the babies, they were looking for, they feel remorseful about their selfish action. Over the years, I have discovered many people who do not have children, yet they have parental instincts.

And, those with children and yet with no parental instincts at all. The maternal instinct is to care for a child, whereas the paternal instinct is to have a child.

Therefore, I would I advise couples who do not have biological children, but with both maternal and paternal instincts, to try adoption in order to fulfill their passionate desire for babies.

Although it is not my immediate intention of starting an adoption centre, I strongly encourage
anyone who can help a child who desperately needs a home to do so like we did. They belong to the Kigozis and we are happy to add our little Melody to the Kigozi family.

Stella Nai gino
Pastor Mark Kigozi lived in marriage for 12 years but never had children yet, him and his wife really loved babies way back before they even got married. Their being childless always tortured them and much as they tried, all possible ways to become parents, 12 years down the road they never had a baby.

This raised concern from many who wondered why such a wonderful couple was not having children at all, but Kigozi had left it all to God since He is the one who gives
children.

Then they decided to adopt children so that they can minister to them, since every child deserves a home. Adoption is a process whereby a person assumes the parenting for another and, in so doing, permanently transfers all rights and responsibilities from the original parent or parents.

This was not a hard decision for them to make since Kigozi was previously working with Watoto Church, which looks after orphans.

But, the challenge was with the community that asked so many questions as to why they chose to parent children that are not their biological children. However, the couple wanted to look after children and did not mind about them being biological or not.

They visited many babies’ homes in the country, starting with Sanyu Babies Home in Mengo and Mother Kevin in Nsambya.
One beautiful morning, Kigozi and his wife went to Sanyu Babies Home to fulfill their desire of parenting and ensure that they adopt at least two girls. They feared to adopt a baby boy because boys require inheritance.

However, they later had to adopt a boy because the second girl had already been booked for adoption by someone else.

Kigozi said they adopted this boy because they felt attached to him, which is very important
because with this attachment, you feel like a biological parent to the child.

“The attachment keeps you close to the child and you enjoy every moment of your life with this child,”said Kigozi. They adopted a three-week old baby girl, now eight years old, and named her Melisa Kirabo Kigozi and then started parenting her like any other couple.

Mark and Maureen with their adopted children, Maxwell Kigozi and Melissa Kigozi

To them, they found everything new and always tried to give their best to Melisa because they loved her so much.

“If you love someone, you take them for what they are and because of that, you are ready to attend to them all the time,” notes Kigozi. With this in mind, the couple worked hand in hand to raise their adopted baby girl and when she was two years old, they went back to Sanyu Babies Home and adopted a baby boy. They named him Maxwell Kigozi.

This was because they enjoyed raising a girl child and wanted to experience what it takes to parent a boy and also realised that Melisa needed a playment. However, Maureen later conceived and a few weeks back, the family was blessed with a baby girl and hopes to have more children.

Kigozi says parenting adopted children is not easy because as they grow, they realise they are adopted and some fail to deal with the whole idea.

“Babies are very expensive and the challenge is when they fall sick of severe sicknesses and need biological parents to save their lives,” kigozi reveals. The community also makes it hard for adopting parents as it tells adopted children so many things that makes some of them feel inferior in the home, but Kigozi has learnt his children stories.

“In these stories I keep highlighting all these things to my children so that they do not have to be told by others that they were adopted, “Kigozi reveals. He says he never wants his children to be told by anyone Adoption is true parenthood else how they came to have a home, because this confuses them.

Parents should tell children as they grow up from one year and tell them again and again about their life, because their being aware makes them appreciate you as they grow which strengthens with them.

When to adopt
Kigozi says many parents have children and still go ahead and adopt for various reasons depending on who is adopting.

With or without children, a couple can adopt. Barbara Nankya, an administrator at Sanyu Babies Home, says Ugandans have started adopting children and many with children have embraced the idea of every child deserves a home.

If you have children, how do they cope with dealing with the second party in the family. This starts with the parents themselves and how they address and introduce this child to the rest of the people.

Kigozi says parent’s positive attitude towards their adopted child creates more impact than any other person’s attitude. Treat them well, speak to them well like your own biological children. This interaction makes everyone feel your adopted child is not different from your biological children.

Who is allowed to adopt
According to Nankya, anyone who is 25 years and above is allowed to adopt a child, as long as that person meets the adoption requirements.

Married couples must all be positive towards the idea otherwise if only one person is interested, then the adoption becomes impossible.

Adopting Requirements
Nankya says one has to prove that he is financially stable and will be able to take care of the child. Should they have a valid identify card and a letter from the local councils and a Police letter, coupled with an employment letter. A religious letter is also vital to show your religious background.

Nankya says the adopting parent is required to foster the child for three years and file an adoption report with court to fully accomplish the adoption process.

However, as the parent fosters a baby, the babies home administrators keep checking on the baby and its condition. If it is not good, the adoption process is stopped, Nankya says.