Mine, yours or our money?

Apr 05, 2012

Some things never change. Men are the supposed to be the providers, a role naturally bestowed upon them. Is it then safe to say women are only expected to receive the rewards of money?

Some things never change. Men are the supposed to be the providers, a role naturally bestowed upon them. Is it then safe to say women are only expected to receive the rewards of money? What should be the governing principle underlying the way money is looked at? 

The home is like a little economic empire with expenses ranging from rent, school fees, water and electricity bills to many more. The two economic experts are the man and woman, except that they are not competing for the highest sales, but should share the financial responsibility of running the home. Question is: how do you decide who is responsible for what and why? 
 
Alexia, who has been married five years, says she does not handle rent, school fees or food expenses or any of, “those big expenses like building the family house.” Her grandmother taught her that ‘these things’ are handled by the man. 
“Otherwise what is the measure of a man?” she wonders. “He is also supposed to give me money for the shopping,” Alexia says without apology. 
 
There are things Alexia does not expect her husband to provide her with, like fuel for her car, money for her parents’ upkeep, beauty treatments and other treats her heart desires. Alexia believes that women’s emancipation does not mean handling the chunk of the financial responsibility at home. 
 
With the Bakaluba’s however, the couple’s finances are an open book. The wife and husband know what each earns. They plan for all their finances to the dot, including the number of baby diaper packs to buy in a particular month. They allocate what to spend on the dependants they have agreed to support, new clothes, wedding contributions, fuel, investments, name it.
 
“This has helped us save money together and invest,” notes Florence. 
On the other hand, Maria does not leave anything to chance. She has heard way too many stories about men who walk out on their wives’, leaving them hanging ‘dry’ financially. Although sceptical, she contributes to family expenses, “in moderate measure.”  She says he has to handle the big expenses and shoulder the development plans for the family. 
 
Maria, like many other women, is not comfortable with joint handling of the home’s finances because she believes that this gives the man leeway to spend his money elsewhere. 
 
“Imagine another woman and her child’s expenses haemorrhaging your joint efforts?” asks Maria. This strengthens her resolve to spend her money sparingly.  
 
While different couples have secretly worked out formulas on what works best, Denis Odoi, a marriage counsellor, says there is no formula when it comes to handling finances in the home. “Couples need to come to a workable and agreeable arrangement that removes stress from the home.”
 
James Abola, a business and money coach, also agrees that income declaration within the family is one area where we cannot set fast and hard rules.   
 
Odoi adds that it is important for couples to have financial counselling before tying the knot. This helps handle expectations and misconceived ideas about handling finances in marriage.
 
He, however, explains that ideally the man, as the head of the home, should pay school fees and handle the rent while the woman’s expenses should focus on the day-to-day running of the home. He quickly adds that this should not be cast in stone because different couples have unique experiences. 
 
The key in handling any conflict is to agree on a budget, clearly define roles and to have a joint account with contributions to be made by both parties. The account should have two signatures for the sake of transparency. If the couple chooses, they can also have separate individual accounts. 
 
The economic situation is, however, making men shift the role of provider, a trend that is inevitable, says Odoi. “Women should understand that a man may not always have money. That is why in marriage it is encouraged to say ‘our’ money, not ‘mine’,” he notes. 
 
This is when the woman should say to herself, for better or worse; this is the worse bit and she has to step in to help her husband. The man should not give the woman cause to doubt his faithfulness to her, urges the counsellor. This will enable her to declare her income and contribute generously to the family expenses without reservation. 

How to manage money together
Merging the finances Married couples should try different ways of handling the money to see what works for them. Each should have some autonomy money and learn how to practise being a couple together with money.
 
Dealing with debt Couples often do not see eye to eye on how much debt is too much and which kind of debt is bad. And it gets worse when one spouse enters the marriage with a lot more debt than the other. Make a plan on how best to deal with repayments without sacrificing too much of your comfort.
 
Investing wisely Men are generally more willing to take financial risk than their wives. But fighting about how much risk to take with your investments based on how you feel about risk, does not do much good. Rather, sit down and talk about your investment goals and time frames. If that does not work for you, seek the help of a broker or a financial planner.
 
Keeping money secrets Do not be shocked to hear that many couples keep money secrets from each other. Is it a big problem? That depends on how you deal with it. But if your spouse has been squandering thousands of shillings, it may be time to seek the help of a finance professional. 
 
Emergency planning Even if you have earn a good salary and do not have to worry about debt, you could find yourself woefully unprepared for an emergency. All couples should have emergency savings. Simply knowing it is there can reduce stress, since you know you are not walking a fine line between comfort and catastrophe.
 
Money in relationships is a very sensitive issue.How do you share financial responsibilities in your home and do you have joint accounts? Post your comment

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