What's love got to do with it? Marry him

 

Sarah, whose hunt for Mr. Right did not yield much, met Ronnie and dated him because her biological clock was ticking. He has all the good qualities of a life partner, but there was no love. Sarah has started the hunt for the best service providers, but wonders if this man will ever make her feel the butterflies in the stomach or weakening in the knees.

 

“He is a good man. We have spent some time together and he is involved in a lot of things that interest me. I imagined I could eventually grow to like him. But, with a wedding staring at me, I wonder if he will ever be able to send quivers through my body. A few of my married friends tell me I will “grow in love” and that what is important is that he is a good man. I am still trying to understand how exactly the growing in love is going to work,” Sarah wonders.

 

Many of Sarah’s single friends advised her to quit before it was too late, claiming that the concept of marriage should be a celebration of romantic love, the kind Hollywood so alluringly portrays. They argued that accepting a proposal based on the idea that you will grow to love the man was a traditional way of doing things and was likely to fail in this generation.

 

In traditional African society, parents or other designated individuals, chose a person’s spouse. Today, many young women cling to the notion of chance meeting and insist that marriage should be about the celebration of romantic love.

 

This has rendered the traditional way of meeting a mate so feeble that even the alpha woman with no time to man-hunt, is convinced her knight in shining armour lies in wait for her.

 

“Yes!” Grace, one of Sarah’s friends exclaimed, “Those shock waves must be there, every woman deserves to get the feel of that, if that misses out, that relationship will miss the true passion that makes it count.”

 

Juliet Mujuni, still awaiting her Romeo, sided with her: “Much as you want to grow in love, it is important to have a good starting point and I think there is no better starting point than the “butterflies,” without that bit, there is no fire and in a relationship, fire is good.”

 

Deogratius Gatete, a bachelor, argues that the same women arguing for shockwaves are the ones who will accept to grow in love if the man is wealthy. “I think some have a big problem of not knowing what exactly they want. If one is looking for a sensible life partner, she needs to look beyond butterflies and melting knees. What will happen when the excitement is gone? You will need much more than that,” Gatete warns.

 

Lynn Muhire, a personal development coach with keen interest in relationship issues, says women are emotional beings, which explains the need for chemistry as opposed to compatibility. But cautions that young women need to think beyond now.

 

“Think smart. Do not be driven by love of the minute if you want a partner for life,” Muhire advises. She says the young should borrow a leaf from women in the past who never chose their partners, yet started families and lived in harmony.

 

Jane Rumanzi, a product of an arranged marriage, believes that common backgrounds and shared values are more likely to lead to an enduring relationship than a man’s height or sex appeal. “If you are looking for a life partner, you should know it is about fostering commitment. It is about his values, lifestyle choices and qualities. I think chemistry can grow. Some people may be reserved at first but over time, their personalities show and chemistry develops,” Rumanzi says.

 

Wilber Karugahe, a counsellor, says it is possible to grow in love because the feelings involved are controlled by thoughts. “The more time you spend with someone you regard as good, but have no feelings for, the more you are likely to develop feelings for this person.” He urges young men and women not to place so much emphasis on chemistry, physical beauty, level of education, financial situation and age, but to concentrate more on likes, dislikes, interests, moods, attitudes, values and an individual’s interpretation of the world. 

 

Research by Penny Mansfield, the director of One plus One, a dating organisation, suggests that people are now seeking long-lasting companionship rather than great passion. 

 

“Do I want someone I feel a great passion for, or do I want someone whom I will want to build a life with once the initial heightened sexual attraction has gone?”