She died just as I was beginning to enjoy our marriage

By Elizabeth Namazzi

I cannot say I enjoyed my marriage to Doreen Sylvia Kyohairwe. We got married on September 2, 2006. Unfortunately, I was transferred from branch to branch for the first four years of our marriage. So, we never lived under the same roof during the first years of our marriage.

I was transferred to Hoima, Lyantonde and Kiruhura before I was transferred to Nakawa in April 2010. That is when I started living under the same roof with my wife.

Illness sets in
Unfortunately, she started falling sick the same year and did not get well until she passed away. The problem started when she started complaining of loss of taste and smell.

She was pregnant with our first child at the time, so we thought it was the pregnancy causing this. Later, she started getting acute headaches, but her mum blamed them on the fact that she had a sinus infection.

The headaches got worse after Janice, our daughter, was born. She had the baby by caesarian section so we thought the headaches were a side effect of the epidural they administered in the back before the operation.

Then one afternoon in late September, she collapsed at her desk during classes at the Uganda Management Institute. One of her sisters works at Mulago Hospital, so she proposed that Doreen goes for a CT scan there.

When the doctor saw the results, he asked Doreen whether she had fallen down as a child. He explained that it looked like she had injured her skull and said she needed an operation on the skull. Although we agreed to the operation, it was never done. They kept postponing it, yet she was deteriorating every day.

She got to a point where she could not touch a basin of cold water; if she did, her legs would get paralysed until she fell down. She would also feel dizzy whenever she bent. At one point, she could not do anything. By then, our maid had gone for Christmas and never returned. I would come from work and cook food, wash clothes and look after our baby.

15 years with a brain tumor

I never enjoyed Christmas 2010 because Doreen was badly off. Convinced that something was terribly wrong, I returned to Mulago and insisted that they study her scan again. They confessed that they had realised that her problem was very serious and had been afraid to tell her the truth.

We were told that she had a brain tumour which had dug deep into her brain and that she could have lived with it for over 15 years.

The doctor warned me never to let her go to town unaccompanied because she could easily crack a nerve, get internal bleeding, faint and get knocked down by a vehicle.

Raising SH40M

One of my first questions was if they could remove the tumour. The doctors assured me that they could perform the operation, but the intensive care unit at Mulago could not sustain a patient for more than 28 hours. Our alternative, they said, was to go to India for the operation and this required sh40m for the operation and accommodation costs.

That is why I have nothing good to say about this government. Billions of shillings are spent on unimportant things instead of putting up facilities that can save us and our loved ones. Many people have lost their lives in India, but why should we suffer and lose lives in India if our government is serious?

When I gave Doreen the news, she was sad but positive that we would raise the money. She was very encouraging and active in mobilising funds. We had sh3.5m in-hand, so imagine having to mobilise for sh40m. But God really cares and is resourceful when we need Him. I approached my employers, colleagues, family and friends for help.

My workmates, family and friends made financial contributions while the bank gave us two return tickets. By January 10, 2011, we had raised about sh32m. We got someone who was connected to Malabar Institute of Medical Sciences, an Indian hospital that could charge us less than sh40m.

Off to India

As we prepared to leave, one doctor told me that we were going for a risky operation. He explained that it involved scooping the tumour out of the brain, causing damage to the internal nerves. Doreen knew this, but she was determined because all she wanted was to get rid of the pain, finish her course and start working.

She was all smiles when we set off on January 19, because she never thought that she would die. We were very positive that the operation would go well, so we did not harbour a single thought about death. The only indication that Doreen might be worried came when she asked me three different times: “Who have we left our child with?” Each time, I answered that she was with her aunt (Doreen’s sister) and that God would take care of her. She was almost 20 months old at the time.

The long wait

When we arrived at the hospital, they repeated all the investigations and tests. Unlike Mulago, they were fast. What took us three days in Mulago only took us a few minutes in India. The operation was performed the next day (Friday).

Right before Doreen was wheeled into the theatre, she looked up and said “Biggie (for big baby) bye. Let me go and get relieved of this pain.” Those are the last words Doreen said to me.

The operation lasted seven hours and I did not take anything during that time. I had mixed feelings as I waited but I had no one to talk to. I realised that I had handed over my wife’s life to the sword.

I started imagining all sorts of scenarios. Suppose she does not come back? How will my life be? How will our daughter be? I got courage when I thought of the people who had been operated before and returned home alive.

She came out of the theatre at 9:30pm. She was awake. But she could not talk or do anything. She was in the same state on Saturday, started smiling on Sunday, but got worse at night when her blood pressure shot up.

They did another CT scan and realised that the area they had operated on had accumulated some fluid. The hind part of the brain had also changed colour because it lacked oxygen.

Brain re-opened

They had to re-open her brain to remove the fluid and put her on oxygen. It is then that I realised that things were bad. When they got her off the oxygen machine, she would breathe between nine and 13 times, instead of the normal 16 times.

I could not sleep at night, so the hospital’s director asked three Ugandan interns to sleep in my room. They comforted me and were of great help.

Praying for a miracle

I spent the whole night praying, but Doreen never regained consciousness after the second operation. I even pleaded with God to let me hear a last word from her. Whenever I slept, I would dream of people crying, carrying coffins and falling in pits. I started seeing death.

I would break down and cry whenever I thought about our daughter. I spent the night on the floor, praying and crying. I even went to one Catholic Church near the hospital and prayed. I was in touch with people back home and many prayed with me on phone.

One of my guardians called me at midnight and asked: “John, how are you?” I told him that I was not fine because I was seeing my wife’s life ebbing away.

Later in the night, the doctor called me and told me that Doreen’s situation was worrying because her breath flow was being interrupted. “John,” he said, “pray hard because we have tried everything. She is on oxygen but the lungs cannot pump it up to the brain.”

Death strikes

I broke down and told the doctor to tell me if my wife had died or not. He said she was still alive. I returned to my room but it was not long before he called me again and asked me to go with a colleague.

He told us that Doreen had experienced cardiac failure at exactly 2:55am and passed on. She died on January 29, 2011. Janice was one year and eight months.

Suicidal thoughts

We were sleeping on the ninth floor, and as I went up, I contemplated committing suicide so they could return two bodies to Uganda. I opened the window that had no burglar proofing. Before I jumped, I thought about our daughter and realised that she had two parents when we left Uganda and that she would have none if I committed suicide. I shut the window and turned back.

The bills

I had paid close to sh22m for three days in intensive care and 15 days in a hotel near the hospital. But Doreen spent eight days in intensive care. The hospital management was good to me because they decided to compute the entire cost and give me the balance. I had paid sh3.2m for Doreen’s return ticket but Emirates refunded only sh500,000. It took three days to clear everything. I left the hospital on January 31.

Back home

I arrived in Uganda on February 1 and buried Doreen on February 3. Last Sunday was exactly one year since her death, but I have not yet recovered. Living without my wife has been terrible.

I am healing slowly. I have realised that no man should take his wife for granted because I was completely disorganised when Doreen died.

Thank God I do not drink alcohol because I am sure I would have died from alcohol abuse. I would go to the office and sit still for long moments, thinking about what I had gone through.

I would be driving to work and ask myself why I was working. I would reason that since I had been working for my wife so we could be happy, there was no reason to work since she was now dead.

It hurt that there was no one to welcome me back from work and laugh with me. I would pass by a restaurant and eat a chapatti before going home to sleep. I would cry endlessly until I told myself that things had to change.

Janice was staying with her aunts then, but I decided to be there for her. I am happy that I can now go home and find someone to welcome me.

I can comfortably live in the house if Janice is around because she talks and keeps me busy.
Looking after her is not hard because there is nothing I cannot do for a child. I grew up looking after my uncle’s children and doing domestic chores, so I take care of her.

I check to see if she has wetted her bed, make sure she has eaten and drank and see to her every need.

Thank you

I must thank my house help because she has looked after Janice very well. I do not know how I will ever repay Equity Bank.

They were even willing to send someone to India to comfort me but I would not let them. I also thank everyone who contributed towards this noble cause.

People like Hon Amama Mbabazi, the staff of Equity Bank, Mr and Mrs Ben Turyasigura, the Christians of Bugolobi Resurrection Church of Uganda, St. Steven’s Church Lukuli, Dr. Gad Gumisiriza and all my relatives and friends. Although we fought a losing battle, I believe it was God’s will. May her soul rest in peace.