Not born with it? buy it

Recently, the news agency AFP reported that loaded Ugandan women were embarking on trips to India to have their tummies trimmed, boobs firmed and bums and hips grown for average bills of $10,000.

That amount, to many a Ugandan, is way out of reach. But that doesn’t mean your average Kampalan is going to take things lying down and miss out on big booty and hips. Nigel Nassar takes you into how Kampalans have improvised to get there still.   

"Excuse me ma’am, how much is a pair of hips?” Sounds crazy, huh?

But don’t be surprised when you witness an over-the-counter inquiry on fake hips in a beauty shop around Kampala.

he thing is; you have been ‘faked’! Which reminds of Dr. 90210, a cosmetic surgery show on DStv’s E! Entertainment, whose tagline flatly states: “If you were not born with it, buy it!” Everything right from the bum, hips, boobs, eyelashes, nail — you can buy.

Not that it will be real, no. But who is going to undress you to ascertain it is not real?

Well, there might be some undressing at some point. But that will be after the fake already did its magic — luring the dude in. So there will not be much to be reversed really, save for the dude quietly learning his lesson.

Away from this though, the craze for fake is on. And it is catching on like a wild fire here in Kampala. Forget the Western World where the price for fake is astronomical, as the trending fake that side is cosmetic surgery-induced — the kind responsible for most of rapper Nicki Minaj’s body, Hollywood actress Pamela Anderson’s boobs, Playboy bunnies Kendra Wilkinson and Holly Madison’s boobs, and the like.

In Uganda where plastic surgery technology is still a far yawn from reality, the price of fake is way within reach, for our kind does not involve surgery and those other complicated procedures.

From about sh80,000 onwards, one can hook themselves up with an enhancement of any body part . It could be a pair of hips, butt or boobs, whichever one prefers.

“It could be even cheaper or slightly more expensive based on one’s size preferences. As in, one might prefer them larger, medium, anything really. But it is all there at your disposal,” says Aida Kirabo, who runs a beauty shop in Avemar Shopping Mall, which also stalks enhancements.  

Enhancements like nails, eyelashes and hair are much more affordable and have been here for some time now. Which is why we are restricting ourselves to what’s trending — mostly the bum, hips and boobs.

The trendy Kampala ladies have jumped in on the craze, especially those shopping mall ladies — the ones who love Stecia Mayanja’s Kulya Cash show on Bukedde TV. Hell knows how much they love big booty and busts.

Then there are some impressionable university babes, party animals and some local female celebrities said to slip on an enhancement here and another there before stepping out.

So watch out — that full-blown rounded pair of whatever that you have been restless about might actually be sponge, latex or silicone depending on what material was used in making the part. But since there is no easy way of detecting, you might have to learn your lesson after an encounter — either by taking her home all curvy and moments later she slumps drastically or by observing her in different settings where she’s sometimes curvaceous and other times not.

Why the fake body parts/enhancements?

The aim of having a fake one in the first place is so they sell the impression they were born with it or heighten their self-esteem by once in a while imitating, say Jenniffer Lopez or Beyonce Knowles’ butt.

Where are these enhancements selling?

Just walk into an arcade near you. A number of beauty shops and some boutiques have caught on stocking these parts.
Giva Beauty Supplies was the very first on this fad some years back. But now all and sundry have caught on.

Which fake body parts are people running after?

“Away from padded and pumped bras, which are also a form of enhancement, there are some finer tie-on boobs made out of silicone or rubber. Indeed when you touch them, they feel real,” says Kirabo.

“Rubber bums and hips too feel real and are slightly more expensive than say the fit-on spongy type or extra pads, which are likely to give you away in case one feels the body part with a bare hand,” she warns, adding that such are good if no one is going to undress or touch you.

The fit-on enhancements, save for making one uncomfortable because of the heat accumulated, would not be as bad though.

There is a worse option — smear-on creams. Sure, they increase or firm your bust, hips and bums, but there is also a possibility of deforming one’s body parts, depending on one’s body response and the cream’s ingredients.

Much as experts recommend natural ingredients like wild yam extracts, some creams have harmful chemicals that can cause deformity. Which is why expert advice is recommended before starting or better still, not using that stuff at all, lest one finds themselves stuck with a wobbly-shaped butt they don’t want.

Worse still is the scramble for cosmetic surgery and other penetrative fakes like breast and buttock implants, botox and fat injections, ear and nose reshaping and all those things musicians and movie stars spend millions of dollars on.

True, one gets themselves an amazing feature that heightens self-esteem, makes them fit certain character traits that movie roles require, improves the way one looks at their sexuality, etc.

Adverse effects

In the end, all the glitters isn’t gold. Juliet Lumala, a Ugandan plastic surgery nurse at St. Thomas Hospital in London, says those implants have to be changed after every 10 years. So what happens if one can no longer afford the exorbitant costs after the 10 years? There’s more.

“Sometimes the implants burst and seep into one’s flesh, causing diverse effects like cancer. Then there are massive wound infections, accumulation of blood under the skin, a part of the body, say a buttock turning out bigger than the other, a body part losing sensitivity, name it,” says Lumala.

“The only time I would recommend a plastic surgery is if it is for medical reasons, maybe if one’s breasts got cut off as a result of cancer and they needed implants, or if one’s body part got severely burnt and they wanted it corrected,” she adds.

Which justifies Big Brother Amplified winner Karen Igho’s decision to have implants — that is if she didn’t lie that she did it following a cancer operation. Our very own Bad Black is said to have breast implants — we are not sure for what reasons though.

Remember Sheyla Hershey, recipient of the largest fake breasts in the world at size 38KKK? In July 2010, she had all four implants removed following a staph infection that nearly killed her. Her natural breast tissue was so damaged that doctors had to remove most of it too.

So while you think of going fake, you might want to consider the less harmful options like slip-ons. It’s just that when you get used to the slip-ons, which are quite a cargo of some sort, you eventually want to get rid of them but still retain the look they give you.

Ultimately, you relapse into cosmetic surgery just to appear to have that Kim Kardashian or Desire Luzinda booty naturally. That is when you know you are in trouble.