Women do it to spite, for men it’s an ego thing
Jan 14, 2010
<br>WHEN it comes to why a person would attend a lover’s wedding, Tracy, a traditional senga, observes that the habit is more common with women. “Attending the function allows her to rate her rival; it is a kind of victory that she can attend her rival’s function and be accorded all that hosp
By Vision Reporter
WHEN it comes to why a person would attend a lover’s wedding, Tracy, a traditional senga, observes that the habit is more common with women. “Attending the function allows her to rate her rival; it is a kind of victory that she can attend her rival’s function and be accorded all that hospitality.
Haven’t you heard women making passionate negative comments about the bride or the whole function even when everyone thinks otherwise?†she says.
Many women act the way they do because they believe they own the men, hence the popular truism ‘keep the ring and I keep the man.’
Ochieng also agrees that men are less likely to see off their lovers in marriage than women. But what about the few who do?
“For those who do, it is an ego thing. I know of a man who attended his lover’s kwanjula, and as the groom left with his entourage, he drove away with the woman for the ‘last rites’,†he says.
“But there are those men who attend to simply torment the bride. There is a girl who cried throughout her wedding. It was later established that the reason was her ex.
“She entered beaming, but the moment she set her eyes on him seated at the front in a wheelchair (apparently from an accident directly caused by her), she started crying uncontrollably, she almost failed to say her vows,†Tracy recounts.
But Annette Kirabira, a counselling psychologist and lecturer of psychology at Makerere University, says that kind of behaviour is simply dysfunctional.
“It’s a compensation of sorts or a reverse way of playing I-don’t-care when it’s otherwise,†Kirabira argues. “It’s coping with the fact that you are not lucky enough to be the main woman.
The human mind is difficult to explain. You want to be sure you are there to see the other woman and even have room to criticise like you are not affected.
“For others, it’s like denial and this could be one way of reacting. You sincerely have no business at your friend’s party.
Even if you love the man or woman so much and do not care that he has followed his heart, why should you make his mind meander with your presence,†she says.
Kirabira notes that such people have malicious intentions. “Like you just want to hurt him, especially if the person they are marrying is not necessarily the love of his/her life.
I know a groom who dated a woman for a long time, but had a child with another. But because his family favoured the mother of his child, when pressure to marry mounted, he settled for her even when he did not love her that much,†she narrates.
“Your presence at such a function if you are the other woman/man is like spiting the relationship. Give them room to appreciate each other and enjoy their union,†she advises.
Kirabira says the presence of other parties often impacts on the brides or grooms, causing friction, especially if the spouse knows about the relationship.
“I have known spouses who hate their in-laws or husband’s friends just because she saw them accord the other party attention during her function.
Its worse if she suspects the spouse, it’s like betrayal,†Kirabira explains.
She advises affected spouses who come to know about their partners’ lovers at their functions not to confront the lover.
“You have no business with her. Your insecurity may lead to low self-esteem, depending on how you handle the situation and how she reacts. Don’t let her presence ruin your function.
Talk it over with your spouse and give him/her time plus reason to end the relationship. Of course, seeing your rival at your function is a signal that things are not alright with you and your spouse.
“But women especially need to understand that men seldom know how to end their relationships. He may be struggling to end it but may fear to hurt the woman.
And if the woman is not willing to end it, she may be trying to say ‘I’m available even after the marriage’,†she explains.
“But this is happening and while some have no ill intentions par se, it’s up to you to make or break your relationship depending on how you react to the discovery.
Staying calm and communicating openly helps,†she advises.
WHEN it comes to why a person would attend a lover’s wedding, Tracy, a traditional senga, observes that the habit is more common with women. “Attending the function allows her to rate her rival; it is a kind of victory that she can attend her rival’s function and be accorded all that hospitality.
Haven’t you heard women making passionate negative comments about the bride or the whole function even when everyone thinks otherwise?†she says.
Many women act the way they do because they believe they own the men, hence the popular truism ‘keep the ring and I keep the man.’
Ochieng also agrees that men are less likely to see off their lovers in marriage than women. But what about the few who do?
“For those who do, it is an ego thing. I know of a man who attended his lover’s kwanjula, and as the groom left with his entourage, he drove away with the woman for the ‘last rites’,†he says.
“But there are those men who attend to simply torment the bride. There is a girl who cried throughout her wedding. It was later established that the reason was her ex.
“She entered beaming, but the moment she set her eyes on him seated at the front in a wheelchair (apparently from an accident directly caused by her), she started crying uncontrollably, she almost failed to say her vows,†Tracy recounts.
But Annette Kirabira, a counselling psychologist and lecturer of psychology at Makerere University, says that kind of behaviour is simply dysfunctional.
“It’s a compensation of sorts or a reverse way of playing I-don’t-care when it’s otherwise,†Kirabira argues. “It’s coping with the fact that you are not lucky enough to be the main woman.
The human mind is difficult to explain. You want to be sure you are there to see the other woman and even have room to criticise like you are not affected.
“For others, it’s like denial and this could be one way of reacting. You sincerely have no business at your friend’s party.
Even if you love the man or woman so much and do not care that he has followed his heart, why should you make his mind meander with your presence,†she says.
Kirabira notes that such people have malicious intentions. “Like you just want to hurt him, especially if the person they are marrying is not necessarily the love of his/her life.
I know a groom who dated a woman for a long time, but had a child with another. But because his family favoured the mother of his child, when pressure to marry mounted, he settled for her even when he did not love her that much,†she narrates.
“Your presence at such a function if you are the other woman/man is like spiting the relationship. Give them room to appreciate each other and enjoy their union,†she advises.
Kirabira says the presence of other parties often impacts on the brides or grooms, causing friction, especially if the spouse knows about the relationship.
“I have known spouses who hate their in-laws or husband’s friends just because she saw them accord the other party attention during her function.
Its worse if she suspects the spouse, it’s like betrayal,†Kirabira explains.
She advises affected spouses who come to know about their partners’ lovers at their functions not to confront the lover.
“You have no business with her. Your insecurity may lead to low self-esteem, depending on how you handle the situation and how she reacts. Don’t let her presence ruin your function.
Talk it over with your spouse and give him/her time plus reason to end the relationship. Of course, seeing your rival at your function is a signal that things are not alright with you and your spouse.
“But women especially need to understand that men seldom know how to end their relationships. He may be struggling to end it but may fear to hurt the woman.
And if the woman is not willing to end it, she may be trying to say ‘I’m available even after the marriage’,†she explains.
“But this is happening and while some have no ill intentions par se, it’s up to you to make or break your relationship depending on how you react to the discovery.
Staying calm and communicating openly helps,†she advises.