Relationships- How low would you stoop for romance?

By Winnie Nanteza

AT 35, Suzan Kityo, a banker and a mother of three, was sent out of her marital home. Reason? She was caught cheating on her husband with a boda-boda rider who usually picked and droped the children to school.

She had been romantically involved with this 27-year-old man for over eight months. Being a businessman, Mr. Kityo was hardly at home, which gave his wife enough room to cheat on him.

On the fateful day, Mr. Kityo was supposed to go on a working trip to Kasese, but, it was postponed. When he got home, he found his wife making out with the boda-boda man on the couch.

She lost a home that she had worked so hard to put together because initially, Mr. Kityo never had a job. She had provided capital for his business.

Like Susan’s case, today stories abound of women caught pants down in romantic relationships with men society considers of a lower status.

These women are not necessarily single. Many are in committed relationships or even married.

In a typical scenerio, a socially well-placed woman will sleep with or date a man who is her subordinate like a househelp, a security guard or that special hire man who picks her up on some ocassions.

Edward Zimbe, the director of operations at the Uganda Heath Marketing Group (UHMG) confirms that both single and women in committed relationships alike are increasingly sleeping with men considered to be socially beneath them.

UHMG, a local social marketing organisation, is currently running a media campaign dubbed “One Love” (commonly known as “Get off the sexual network”) that is meant to dissuade married people from sleeping around.

Zimbe says according to the focus group discussions done by UHMG in the research leading up to the campaign, such relationships were increasingly affecting the stability of families.

But why should a self-respecting, possibly married woman stoop so low for a fix?

Carol, a 25-year-old graduate who works with a top corporate in town and admits to having had attraction to a special hire taxi driver, says: “The way people talk, you might think these guys are like the wretched of the earth.

But these are men like any other and some of them are really cute. Most of all, some are really caring. That’s what we women want, after all. So, why what’s the problem?”

Zimbe says the reason women stoop low is because some men do not make time for their wives due to busy work schedules.

He says a man is supposed to meet his partner’s sexual desires otherwise, she will end up with another man and his social standing might not be such an issue in a situation like that.

Gender & Culture state minister, Rukia Nakadama, also admits that women go out with men of lower social standing in search of sexual satisfaction.

However, Zimbe acknowledges that sexual starvation is not the sole cause of the vice. “Some women do it to revenge on promiscuous men; it is a way of getting even.”

Joseph Musalo, a counsellor at Uganda Christian University, Mukono, admits that a woman in a committed relationship might sleep with a man percieved to be beneath her because of lack of satisfaction on their part, abuse in the marriage, neglect and other unmet needs in a family.

He also attributes the vice to challenges in committed relationships like breakdown of communication between the couple and geographical proximity which may force one to compromise.

But ethics and integrity minister Dr. James Nsaba Buturo says there is no excuse for a woman in a committed relationship to cheat on her partner with anyone, social class notwithstanding: “That is evidence of declining morality in our society. Immorality has finally found its way into our homes,” Buturo says.

In the case of single women Musalo says sometimes this woman and the man may be friends and friendship normally develops into romantic relatiosnhips.
“Also, if a woman was disappointed in the past by a man she regarded to be of her level, she might have lower self-esteem. This might drive her to look beneath him thinking she will find something pure.”

Like Carol, Musalo says if this man is good mannered, has values and a gentle personality, it’s likely that women will find him irresistible his lower social ranking notwithstanding.

“She may see qualities of her dream man in this low class man.”
But it can also be out of sympathy that the woman feels for this guy and hopes that if she comes into his world, he may change for the better.”

Pastor Martin Ssempa of Makerere Community Church says this is usually a result of sharing one’s private life with people one is not so close to.

“For example, if a woman goes for a massage and shares her private life with the messeur, it may trigger a romantic affair between the two,” he says.