You didn’t know he was married

By Halima Shaban
AFFAIRS can be exciting, passionate and romantic. However, they can also be damaging, destructive, cruel, time-wasting and demeaning.

Sarah, a university student, says when she started going out with James, she did not know he was married. “He only called me during the day. We met once or twice a week and never on weekends when I needed him most.”

When she found out he was married, Sarah was confused as to whether to continue or quit the relationship.

Bernard Balikowa, a couples counsellor with the Uganda Counseling Association, says if a single woman is having a relationship with a married man, it will not be fulfilling.

The relationship has to be secret, your parents cannot meet him and he will be in the arms of another woman when he is not with you.

“If he does not disclose that he is married and you find out the truth, leave him and never look back. Even if he confessed early in the relationship, why would you want to take someone else’s property?” Balikowa asks.

He says when people are having an affair, the person who is married is never fully available for their lover.

A large portion of his psychological investment lies with his spouse and family. “As such, the lover only experiences part of that person.

Thus, it is an unbalanced relationship. One person is emotionally and physically available, while the other is not.”

He says men who marry for the wrong reasons and are not fully committed to their wives usually start affairs outside their marriage. “He may have grown apart from his wife and wants to find someone who understands him.”

Balikowa explains that some married men do not disclose their status because they fear to be rejected while others do this as soon as they meet the girl. “Many of people would rather live in denial than accept the truth but remember, he is cheating on you and his wife.”

He advises that a person who decides to stick to a married man should be ready for anything. If he decides to leave you, you need to be able to stand on your feet and be strong emotionally, physically and financially.

Steven Langa, a counsellor, says sometimes the hope of having a love affair is that he will leave his wife and marry you. “This does happen in some cases.

However, most times, the married man only wants to have an affair.

Even if he says he loves you and that he plans to leave his wife, nothing is certain as long as he is still married.

“If he is lying to his wife, how can you be sure that he is being honest with you? You already know that he is willing to say what he needs to say and do what he needs to do to get what he wants.”

Langa warns that dealing with such a relationship is hard. He says plenty of good second marriages began as illegal romances – but the majority of extra-marital affairs do not end in marriage or relationships. About 80% cause.

Ssenga (Aunt) Lydia Nantume, says if one decides to date a married man and even have children, she should respect her co-wives and control her jealousy because she was aware of the other wife’s existance.

How Long Will You Wait?
Balikowa says a man who is having an affair is in a “best of both worlds” situation. He is able to keep his marriage together, present a respectable front and sneak off for an illegal relationship.

“What is the advantage to him if he changes the status quo?

If you are serious about building a legitimate relationship with him, you will need to set a time limit. Otherwise, you may find yourself waiting forever.”

He adds that if this man promises to move on with you, do not put pressure on making things legal. Infact, most married men just introduce the second wife to their parents and that is all.

Some only make the relationship legal when the official wife finds out about the affair.

Nantume says it is natural for a first wife to have uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings towards her husband’s second wife.

Likewise, the most obvious focus of a first wife’s anger is towards the second wife.

How to deal with Jealousy
lShare your fears. If you tell a caring, sensitive partner how bad you feel, he will be able to reassure you.

lBe strong. Ignore the feelings and keep a rein on your emotions. With time, you will grow more secure and less jealous.
lBuild your self-esteem.

If jealousy is based on the belief that you are not worthy of your partner, become aware of your strengths.

lChallenge your jealousy. Underpinning most jealousy is a misunderstanding of the situation.

Take a cold, hard look at what is happening – maybe even get a friend to give you their opinion.