Could you be meandering into the cheating zone?
Mar 19, 2010
JOAN has a good job upcountry and Agaba, her husband, lives in Kampala with their children. At first, they used to meet over the weekends, but with time, those visits became infrequent.
BY ANNE ABAHO
JOAN has a good job upcountry and Agaba, her husband, lives in Kampala with their children. At first, they used to meet over the weekends, but with time, those visits became infrequent. One Friday, Agaba decided to give his wife a surprise visit. He got there at dusk. Agaba did not expect her to be at home, so he let himself in. Shock of shocks, right there before him were three naked female bodies, including his wife’s, in puzzling postures, engaged in a sexual binge with sex toys. The two women grabbed their clothes and ran for the door.
His wife wondered why he was alleging that this was cheating! Was there any man involved? It was just fun with other women!
Example two is finding your partner masturbating and looking like they are enjoying it. The culprit may not believe the ‘small’ thing is a big deal. They may even blame you for wanting to control their body.
Example number three: In the US, Internet relationships are increasingly causing divorce as many people get hooked to cyber-affairs, pornography and chatting up strangers. Many think online romance is not cheating because there is no physical contact.
However, Marlene Maheu, in her book Infidelity on the Internet, agrees that cyber-affairs can be a ‘serious disruption’ to a marriage. “If you’re telling someone your secrets and confiding in them about what’s going on in your life, that is cheating,†she says. A person feels betrayed because their spouse takes their love, interest and eroticism elsewhere. Sexual involvement with others happens even when it is by way of camera and computer and this breaches the boundaries of a closed relationship.
Definition
Our forefathers did not have problems defining infidelity. It was that a man had sex with a woman who was not his wife.
However, modern technology has stretched that definition to include other things. Cheating now covers activities ranging from online romance with a stranger to seemingly harmless office flirtation with someone of the opposite sex.
It also includes getting emotionally excited by someone who is not your spouse, spending long hours trying to buy the ‘right gift’ for them than you would for your spouse or sharing intimate issues about yourself with them.
Sex and infidelity are perceived differently by women and men. Men care more about the physical act of cheating than the emotional aspect.
According to evolutionary psychology, a man’s jealousy is motivated by the possibility of raising another man’s child, who will not perpetuate his own genes.
Women, on the other hand, are believed to be more upset by emotional betrayal, as their interests are around assurance of their mate’s protection and companionship. Anything that threatens this security causes danger.
However, later psychologists have proved that men are also capable of emotional infidelity when they are the victims.
Why cheating
It doesn’t matter what your partner does. As long as your heart sounds the alarm, there is danger that must be investigated.
If your best friend is dancing too close to your beloved and both have closed their eyes, you cannot walk out to smoke another cigarette. Neither can you be convinced when your partner pleads that they touched, fondled and caressed but did not cross the penetration line!
The ideals of marriage are such that if you have had to hide anything from your partner, then it is cheating. If you are spending energy with partners outside marriage, returning home too tired to spend any time with your spouse, it feels like emotional infidelity. It doesn’t matter where it ends up, you are effectively relating away from your spouse.
Emotional infidelity is the most common risk marriages face and may be tolerated under the fear of being seen as over-protective or possessive.
Crossing the line
Psychologist Gary Neuman, in his book, Emotional Infidelity, insists that even friendship between members of the opposite sex can be a form of adultery if it harms the marriage.
“If you put the majority of your emotions in the hands of someone other than your spouse,†he argues, “you are short-changing your spouse.â€
But Shirly Glass, another author, argues that for such a friendship to be adulterous, there must be three traits: emotional intimacy that is greater than that in the marriage, sexual tension and secrecy.
Susan Townsend, another psychologist, says what devastates in infidelity is not the fact that one partner has had sex with another but the emotional intimacy that develops in such affairs. Whether these affairs develop over the Internet or from direct contact, does not seem to matter.
JOAN has a good job upcountry and Agaba, her husband, lives in Kampala with their children. At first, they used to meet over the weekends, but with time, those visits became infrequent. One Friday, Agaba decided to give his wife a surprise visit. He got there at dusk. Agaba did not expect her to be at home, so he let himself in. Shock of shocks, right there before him were three naked female bodies, including his wife’s, in puzzling postures, engaged in a sexual binge with sex toys. The two women grabbed their clothes and ran for the door.
His wife wondered why he was alleging that this was cheating! Was there any man involved? It was just fun with other women!
Example two is finding your partner masturbating and looking like they are enjoying it. The culprit may not believe the ‘small’ thing is a big deal. They may even blame you for wanting to control their body.
Example number three: In the US, Internet relationships are increasingly causing divorce as many people get hooked to cyber-affairs, pornography and chatting up strangers. Many think online romance is not cheating because there is no physical contact.
However, Marlene Maheu, in her book Infidelity on the Internet, agrees that cyber-affairs can be a ‘serious disruption’ to a marriage. “If you’re telling someone your secrets and confiding in them about what’s going on in your life, that is cheating,†she says. A person feels betrayed because their spouse takes their love, interest and eroticism elsewhere. Sexual involvement with others happens even when it is by way of camera and computer and this breaches the boundaries of a closed relationship.
Definition
Our forefathers did not have problems defining infidelity. It was that a man had sex with a woman who was not his wife.
However, modern technology has stretched that definition to include other things. Cheating now covers activities ranging from online romance with a stranger to seemingly harmless office flirtation with someone of the opposite sex.
It also includes getting emotionally excited by someone who is not your spouse, spending long hours trying to buy the ‘right gift’ for them than you would for your spouse or sharing intimate issues about yourself with them.
Sex and infidelity are perceived differently by women and men. Men care more about the physical act of cheating than the emotional aspect.
According to evolutionary psychology, a man’s jealousy is motivated by the possibility of raising another man’s child, who will not perpetuate his own genes.
Women, on the other hand, are believed to be more upset by emotional betrayal, as their interests are around assurance of their mate’s protection and companionship. Anything that threatens this security causes danger.
However, later psychologists have proved that men are also capable of emotional infidelity when they are the victims.
Why cheating
It doesn’t matter what your partner does. As long as your heart sounds the alarm, there is danger that must be investigated.
If your best friend is dancing too close to your beloved and both have closed their eyes, you cannot walk out to smoke another cigarette. Neither can you be convinced when your partner pleads that they touched, fondled and caressed but did not cross the penetration line!
The ideals of marriage are such that if you have had to hide anything from your partner, then it is cheating. If you are spending energy with partners outside marriage, returning home too tired to spend any time with your spouse, it feels like emotional infidelity. It doesn’t matter where it ends up, you are effectively relating away from your spouse.
Emotional infidelity is the most common risk marriages face and may be tolerated under the fear of being seen as over-protective or possessive.
Crossing the line
Psychologist Gary Neuman, in his book, Emotional Infidelity, insists that even friendship between members of the opposite sex can be a form of adultery if it harms the marriage.
“If you put the majority of your emotions in the hands of someone other than your spouse,†he argues, “you are short-changing your spouse.â€
But Shirly Glass, another author, argues that for such a friendship to be adulterous, there must be three traits: emotional intimacy that is greater than that in the marriage, sexual tension and secrecy.
Susan Townsend, another psychologist, says what devastates in infidelity is not the fact that one partner has had sex with another but the emotional intimacy that develops in such affairs. Whether these affairs develop over the Internet or from direct contact, does not seem to matter.