Parenting- Should a parent who deserted you share the fruits of your success?
GROWING up in Accra, Michael Essien, the Ghanaian millionaire footballer who plays for the English Premier League club, Chelsea, was raised by a single mother, who struggled to make ends meet.
By Joseph Semutooke
GROWING up in Accra, Michael Essien, the Ghanaian millionaire footballer who plays for the English Premier League club, Chelsea, was raised by a single mother, who struggled to make ends meet.
The footballer’s father, James Essien, split with Essien’s mom and left her to raise him and his four siblings, single-handed. He contributed almost nothing to the footballer’s upbringing, concentrating on his other three wives and 10 children.
But that has not stopped him from demanding a share of the fortune of the son he neglected, now he (the son) earns about $100,000 (sh200m) a week.
His station as an impoverished old man leading a life of absolute want has been published in the media several times, seeming more like a public call upon Essien to offer a hand.
He reportedly once tried to commit suicide out of frustration because his rich son has not helped him.
James Essien is just one of many parents who do not partake in their children’s upbringing but only turn up later in their lives, looking to share in the fruits of their sweat.
Neglecting one’s parental obligation is not only a social evil but a crime in Uganda. Articles 31(Section 4) and 34 (Section I) of the Constitution of Uganda oblige a parent to look after their children.
Florence Kalibbala, the head of the Police Family Unit, says if a child below 18 years of age reported a parent for failing to provide for him/her, they would take action against the parent and force them to provide for the child.
That notwithstanding, parents do neglect their children for various reasons. Essien’s father says: “I knew I had responsibilities as a father and I did not play my role as much as I should have. I just could not afford to, as I had to pay for my other wives and children too.â€
According to Angelo Ouma, a counsellor and psychologist at Makerere University: “It may be that the parent previously denied their parenthood because the child was born out of wedlock and hence discarded them to relatives so the child does not interfere with their settled family.â€
But the reason for the abandonment notwithstanding, the really pertinent question here is: should a parent who contributed little or nothing to the success of their children lay any claim to the fruits of that success?
Although in several instances children abandoned by their parents are forgiving enough to share the fruits of their sweat with the ‘deserter’ parents, and sometimes embrace them wholeheartedly, in most instances, like Michael Essien’s, they are vindictive enough to totally ignore the parents in their adulthood.
Prince Isingoma Kushemererwa, the private secretary to the Omukama of Toro, however, disagrees with Essien’s style of handling issues. He argues that in Africa, culture and traditions obligate children to share with or entirely provide for their parents once the children are mature, regardless of whether or not the parents raised the children.
He says in Africa the concept of family operates in an entirely different context from the many foreign cultures we are taking on today.
“Here we have both polygamous and extended families, which often mean that children might not necessarily grow up with their biological parents. That, however, does not erode a children’s obligation towards a parent.â€
Eng. J.B.Walusimbi, the Katikiiro (prime minister) of Buganda Kingdom, agrees with Isingoma. He says according to Ganda culture, a parent should be recognised and treated so, regardless of past mistakes.
He says both children and parents need each other: “The trouble with abandoning a parent who abandoned you in the past is the akwardness it creates at functions like kwanjula (introduction) and wedding ceremonies where the parents have special rites to perform.â€
Ganda culture, the Katikiiro says, dictates that children will provide for their parents no matter the past relationship for them (children) to acquire the parent’s blessings –– which are largely believed to be esssential in the child’s success in life.
He says it is essential to invite formerly absentee parents to celebrations of achievements in life like graduation parties and the kwanjula.
But Miria Matembe, a socio-political activist and former ethics minister disagrees: “A parent who neglected his/her child has absolutely no right to demand for anything from the child later in life likewise, the child too has no moral obligation to give!†she asserts.
Matembe says the unwritten right parents have to demand from their children is only because they invest their time and money in raising their children.
Wilson Bugembe, a renown Gospel singer and pastor, agrees with Matembe, but is quick to point out that God still obliges those children to cater for those parents whatsoever their past.
“In commanding children to honour their parents in order to have many days on earth, God did not give the nature of their past relationships as a condition. Sharing with them is one way of honouring them.â€
Fagil Mandy, a renowned disciplinarian and author of Top Secrets of Educating Your Child, says the fact that a parent is responsible for one’s presence on earth dwarfs all other considerations in comparison.
“That alone should guarantee them a special place in a child’s life even if they might have been absent at some point,†he says.
He points out the example of people who go looking for parents they have never seen even when they were abandoned as babies, to illustrate his point.
Like him, most experts interviewed agree that hating a parent who abandoned you is counterproductive. They call for reconciliation instead.
But Joseph Musaalo, a professional counselLor/psychologist at Uganda Christian University, Mukono, says the parents in question need to first understand and acknowledge their mistakes, then seek forgiveness and acceptance from the children before demanding favours like it was their blood right.
Ouma further advises the parents in question to understand that their children’s anger and bitterness is justified.
Musalo also thinks sometimes the resentment felt by the children in question is intensified by the guardians who raised them. “They incite them to hate the absent ones. So, I beleive reconciliation should begin with the guardian.â€
Pastor Bugembe also points out the necessity of forgiveness in such situations, and advises that despite the hurt such children may have felt or even still feel, they need to forgive and move on.
GROWING up in Accra, Michael Essien, the Ghanaian millionaire footballer who plays for the English Premier League club, Chelsea, was raised by a single mother, who struggled to make ends meet.
The footballer’s father, James Essien, split with Essien’s mom and left her to raise him and his four siblings, single-handed. He contributed almost nothing to the footballer’s upbringing, concentrating on his other three wives and 10 children.
But that has not stopped him from demanding a share of the fortune of the son he neglected, now he (the son) earns about $100,000 (sh200m) a week.
His station as an impoverished old man leading a life of absolute want has been published in the media several times, seeming more like a public call upon Essien to offer a hand.
He reportedly once tried to commit suicide out of frustration because his rich son has not helped him.
James Essien is just one of many parents who do not partake in their children’s upbringing but only turn up later in their lives, looking to share in the fruits of their sweat.
Neglecting one’s parental obligation is not only a social evil but a crime in Uganda. Articles 31(Section 4) and 34 (Section I) of the Constitution of Uganda oblige a parent to look after their children.
Florence Kalibbala, the head of the Police Family Unit, says if a child below 18 years of age reported a parent for failing to provide for him/her, they would take action against the parent and force them to provide for the child.
That notwithstanding, parents do neglect their children for various reasons. Essien’s father says: “I knew I had responsibilities as a father and I did not play my role as much as I should have. I just could not afford to, as I had to pay for my other wives and children too.â€
According to Angelo Ouma, a counsellor and psychologist at Makerere University: “It may be that the parent previously denied their parenthood because the child was born out of wedlock and hence discarded them to relatives so the child does not interfere with their settled family.â€
But the reason for the abandonment notwithstanding, the really pertinent question here is: should a parent who contributed little or nothing to the success of their children lay any claim to the fruits of that success?
Although in several instances children abandoned by their parents are forgiving enough to share the fruits of their sweat with the ‘deserter’ parents, and sometimes embrace them wholeheartedly, in most instances, like Michael Essien’s, they are vindictive enough to totally ignore the parents in their adulthood.
Prince Isingoma Kushemererwa, the private secretary to the Omukama of Toro, however, disagrees with Essien’s style of handling issues. He argues that in Africa, culture and traditions obligate children to share with or entirely provide for their parents once the children are mature, regardless of whether or not the parents raised the children.
He says in Africa the concept of family operates in an entirely different context from the many foreign cultures we are taking on today.
“Here we have both polygamous and extended families, which often mean that children might not necessarily grow up with their biological parents. That, however, does not erode a children’s obligation towards a parent.â€
Eng. J.B.Walusimbi, the Katikiiro (prime minister) of Buganda Kingdom, agrees with Isingoma. He says according to Ganda culture, a parent should be recognised and treated so, regardless of past mistakes.
He says both children and parents need each other: “The trouble with abandoning a parent who abandoned you in the past is the akwardness it creates at functions like kwanjula (introduction) and wedding ceremonies where the parents have special rites to perform.â€
Ganda culture, the Katikiiro says, dictates that children will provide for their parents no matter the past relationship for them (children) to acquire the parent’s blessings –– which are largely believed to be esssential in the child’s success in life.
He says it is essential to invite formerly absentee parents to celebrations of achievements in life like graduation parties and the kwanjula.
But Miria Matembe, a socio-political activist and former ethics minister disagrees: “A parent who neglected his/her child has absolutely no right to demand for anything from the child later in life likewise, the child too has no moral obligation to give!†she asserts.
Matembe says the unwritten right parents have to demand from their children is only because they invest their time and money in raising their children.
Wilson Bugembe, a renown Gospel singer and pastor, agrees with Matembe, but is quick to point out that God still obliges those children to cater for those parents whatsoever their past.
“In commanding children to honour their parents in order to have many days on earth, God did not give the nature of their past relationships as a condition. Sharing with them is one way of honouring them.â€
Fagil Mandy, a renowned disciplinarian and author of Top Secrets of Educating Your Child, says the fact that a parent is responsible for one’s presence on earth dwarfs all other considerations in comparison.
“That alone should guarantee them a special place in a child’s life even if they might have been absent at some point,†he says.
He points out the example of people who go looking for parents they have never seen even when they were abandoned as babies, to illustrate his point.
Like him, most experts interviewed agree that hating a parent who abandoned you is counterproductive. They call for reconciliation instead.
But Joseph Musaalo, a professional counselLor/psychologist at Uganda Christian University, Mukono, says the parents in question need to first understand and acknowledge their mistakes, then seek forgiveness and acceptance from the children before demanding favours like it was their blood right.
Ouma further advises the parents in question to understand that their children’s anger and bitterness is justified.
Musalo also thinks sometimes the resentment felt by the children in question is intensified by the guardians who raised them. “They incite them to hate the absent ones. So, I beleive reconciliation should begin with the guardian.â€
Pastor Bugembe also points out the necessity of forgiveness in such situations, and advises that despite the hurt such children may have felt or even still feel, they need to forgive and move on.