I will marry you, so why rush me?
THE feeling of being out of place had started to get to you as your boys, who you used to hang out with daily, have become scarce. And their reasons for not hanging out were excuses, at least according to you.
By Michael Kanaabi
THE feeling of being out of place had started to get to you as your boys, who you used to hang out with daily, have become scarce. And their reasons for not hanging out were excuses, at least according to you.
“I’m going to the movies with her, we are going shopping, I’m attending her best friend’s wedding with her,†your old friends told you. Then reality sank in that your boys had moved on and so to keep up with them, you got yourself a girlfriend as well.
And then you realise what you were missing. The excitement is at an all-time high and the bliss in your new relationship is divine. The two of you make numerous promises to each other, have endless dates at amazing places and enjoy spending a lot of time with each other.
Generally things seem to be moving in the right direction. And the next time you hang out with the boys, you call the shots as the conversation is all about your new catch, how well you are doing and what the future holds for the two of you.
THE TIDE BEGINS TO TURN
Soon the excitement wanes, the dates stop being as lovey dovey and she starts asking the big questions.
“Where is ‘this’ heading?†she asks. Being the smart man you are you know what she means. It is her roundabout way of wanting to know when you’re holding the introduction ceremony and walking her down the aisle.
Problem is, however much a guy is in love, those are not the questions he welcomes, especially when he thinks it is too soon in the relationship to decide on such important matters, says James Mugoya, a recently married man.
He adds that unfortunately the women being cautious of the kind of relationships they enter and wanting to know ‘the security of tenure’ sometimes ask such questions a little too early.
This leaves many a guy agitated, especially when the girl keeps nagging him with these questions, yet he has made up his mind to marry her. In some cases, when it gets to the extreme, the man actually walks out of the relationship.
THINGS FALL APART
It begins as a joke when you tell your friend that you have landed someone.
Their first reaction is to laugh heartily, saying that you are joking. And then you introduce her to them and they take you seriously.
After a few months, the pressure begins again, but this time on more sensitive issues. Your friends ask: So when is the kwanjula? And the kasiki? How about the wedding? And if answers are not forthcoming, the rumours begin to fly.
What began as small talk among your friends somehow spreads and before you know it your office, church and favourite bar are all awash with rumours that you are engaged and walking down the aisle soon.
Sometimes without any ill intention, many of the people in your circle and at your workplace begin to remind you of your engagement and impending marriage and keep asking when they are due.
Peter Lubowa, a recently married technician, says: “A time comes when it’s too much.
“Your friends are making fun of you constantly, your pastor begins to hint on premarital counselling and the urge to flee from it all becomes overwhelming.â€
He adds that the worst part is when your lady also intensifies her demand to be walked down the aisle and recruits her parents and friends and family to fight for her ‘noble cause’.
Some ladies even go the extra mile and become friendly with your parents in a bid to lobby them to get you to commit.
EASE THE TENSION
The first thing you need to do is to release your anger if it has gotten you angry to avoid taking a regrettable and irreversible decision in the middle of your anger.
Mugoya, who went through a similar situation, said you should make the future of your relationship clear from the beginning.
“You should bring up the intentions of marrying her and starting a family with her in conversations early in the relationship so that she is more certain about your future together.â€
Introduce her as your girlfriend whenever you meet, he adds, people who matter to you. Avoid introducing her as just a friend as this leaves her wondering what she means to you.
Involve her when discussing your plans by using words like ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ and always consult her as this will reassure her that she is in your future, says Lubowa, who has been through this situation.
Address her concerns directly by assuring her that you want to marry her, but you are being held back by some other issues like inadequate finances, education or career advancement.
If she is genuinely interested in you and appreciates the pressing challenges you have to deal with, she will stay but if she thinks otherwise, she is better off moving on, concluded Lubowa.
THE feeling of being out of place had started to get to you as your boys, who you used to hang out with daily, have become scarce. And their reasons for not hanging out were excuses, at least according to you.
“I’m going to the movies with her, we are going shopping, I’m attending her best friend’s wedding with her,†your old friends told you. Then reality sank in that your boys had moved on and so to keep up with them, you got yourself a girlfriend as well.
And then you realise what you were missing. The excitement is at an all-time high and the bliss in your new relationship is divine. The two of you make numerous promises to each other, have endless dates at amazing places and enjoy spending a lot of time with each other.
Generally things seem to be moving in the right direction. And the next time you hang out with the boys, you call the shots as the conversation is all about your new catch, how well you are doing and what the future holds for the two of you.
THE TIDE BEGINS TO TURN
Soon the excitement wanes, the dates stop being as lovey dovey and she starts asking the big questions.
“Where is ‘this’ heading?†she asks. Being the smart man you are you know what she means. It is her roundabout way of wanting to know when you’re holding the introduction ceremony and walking her down the aisle.
Problem is, however much a guy is in love, those are not the questions he welcomes, especially when he thinks it is too soon in the relationship to decide on such important matters, says James Mugoya, a recently married man.
He adds that unfortunately the women being cautious of the kind of relationships they enter and wanting to know ‘the security of tenure’ sometimes ask such questions a little too early.
This leaves many a guy agitated, especially when the girl keeps nagging him with these questions, yet he has made up his mind to marry her. In some cases, when it gets to the extreme, the man actually walks out of the relationship.
THINGS FALL APART
It begins as a joke when you tell your friend that you have landed someone.
Their first reaction is to laugh heartily, saying that you are joking. And then you introduce her to them and they take you seriously.
After a few months, the pressure begins again, but this time on more sensitive issues. Your friends ask: So when is the kwanjula? And the kasiki? How about the wedding? And if answers are not forthcoming, the rumours begin to fly.
What began as small talk among your friends somehow spreads and before you know it your office, church and favourite bar are all awash with rumours that you are engaged and walking down the aisle soon.
Sometimes without any ill intention, many of the people in your circle and at your workplace begin to remind you of your engagement and impending marriage and keep asking when they are due.
Peter Lubowa, a recently married technician, says: “A time comes when it’s too much.
“Your friends are making fun of you constantly, your pastor begins to hint on premarital counselling and the urge to flee from it all becomes overwhelming.â€
He adds that the worst part is when your lady also intensifies her demand to be walked down the aisle and recruits her parents and friends and family to fight for her ‘noble cause’.
Some ladies even go the extra mile and become friendly with your parents in a bid to lobby them to get you to commit.
EASE THE TENSION
The first thing you need to do is to release your anger if it has gotten you angry to avoid taking a regrettable and irreversible decision in the middle of your anger.
Mugoya, who went through a similar situation, said you should make the future of your relationship clear from the beginning.
“You should bring up the intentions of marrying her and starting a family with her in conversations early in the relationship so that she is more certain about your future together.â€
Introduce her as your girlfriend whenever you meet, he adds, people who matter to you. Avoid introducing her as just a friend as this leaves her wondering what she means to you.
Involve her when discussing your plans by using words like ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ and always consult her as this will reassure her that she is in your future, says Lubowa, who has been through this situation.
Address her concerns directly by assuring her that you want to marry her, but you are being held back by some other issues like inadequate finances, education or career advancement.
If she is genuinely interested in you and appreciates the pressing challenges you have to deal with, she will stay but if she thinks otherwise, she is better off moving on, concluded Lubowa.