You can overcome betrayal
May 14, 2010
YOU better read this if you are in love or expect to be soon. Unfortunately, all lovers are candidates for betrayal. Right now, it seems like someone else’s problem. That is why when your turn comes, you are stunned!
By Hilary Bainemigisha
YOU better read this if you are in love or expect to be soon. Unfortunately, all lovers are candidates for betrayal. Right now, it seems like someone else’s problem. That is why when your turn comes, you are stunned!
The bad news is that you can never stop betrayal from happening, however loving, protective or aloof you are. And when it comes, you can never be ready enough. There is no limit to which a love can be betrayed. And, sometimes, the slap in the face can come from the most unexpected direction like a pastor, your parent, counsellor, or sibling! Someone whose loyalty you would never have doubted.
But there is good news too. You can survive it. You have to. You need to. And you are not entirely defenceless. You survive betrayal not by staying alive but by not allowing it to disorganise you.
Relationship counsellor and author of Love and Betrayal, John Amodeo, says the real tragedy of betrayal is not in the act of your Beloved. “It is in the effect of the betrayal, when people close down and become bitter towards life. We need to learn how to grieve the hurt so we can open our hearts again to another possibility, another relationship.â€
His book is about how to deal with betrayal so you don’t get stuck in blame, bitterness and cynicism. If you are in love now, jump on the truck and ride down the tricks lane of managing betrayal in love. The 10 point programme will also make you a better lover.
We all know we can be betrayed. But don’t let this interfere with your freedom to love. Some people never recover fully. They go on to love with a foot on the brake pedal. This not only hurts the next partner but also sets another foundation of partner dissatisfaction, which leads to more heartbreak.
Don’t withhold intimacy because you could be hurt. Love like you won’t be hurt. If you do get hurt again, you will feel the satisfaction of having done your best. You won’t wish you had done better.
I have heard slogans like a wise person leaves before s/he is left! What cowardice! In love, you are dealing with someone’s delicate heart. you cannot play games with it! It is better to be betrayed than betray. If we all resolved so, love would be a safer place. You want to be remembered as a person who tendered carefully for someone else’s heart.
You need social comfort or refuge in case of disappointment. While it is so important for people to feel safe with each other, we need to find or keep people, other than our lovers, we can feel safe and share our vulnerability with. In other words, don’t erase your closet friendships because you are too busy with a lover.
You will need them for solace when the love explodes in your face. You can love your partner fully without being totally dependent on that person. If they become your whole life and then leave you, you can be totally lost. However, if you have to develop other deep friendships, it must not be at the expense of the main relationship, whether it is a friend or a relative.
If the worst occurs and your partner breaks your heart, rise above your compulsions, avoid violence or any form of aggression or revenge. You cannot force anyone to love you. Don’t create scenes and wriggle in mud for sympathy. You wouldn’t want anybody to love you out of sympathy. Take it honourably and be strong.
Think again. Maybe it was better that the love ended. If an affair is destined to expire, the earlier it does, the better. Time increases commitment, investment and hope. A boyfriend who leaves before marriage is an easier heartbreak to handle than later when he has become a husband and abandons you for another woman.
No one can prescribe how to deal with heartbreak because it come in all forms and magnitude. Reactions to betrayal are similar to reactions to death. They may include shock and denial, shame and self-blame, hostility, anger, vengeance, jealousy, or seeking refuge in judgment and interpretation.
There are no wrong reactions in this grieving process, but some people get stuck. Getting stuck in hate may allow you to avoid feeling pain. Anger becomes armour. But after the shock wears off, anger remains. With it come a sense of shame, hurt, loss, regret and low self esteem. A need to get support and bond again leads many into hurrying into new relationships for revenge, for solace, to avoid loneliness and emptiness, which are wrong reasons to start a love affair.
There are proven aids that can help you handle the misfortune. Find some distraction like a sport, study, hobby or new cause to get you occupied. We can emerge from the pain with greater self-worth, reclaim our lives and learn to love and trust again.
Arise and shine again. Betrayal can erase our ability to ever trust again. Many people react by trying to shield themselves in ultimately destructive ways by withholding intimacy, manipulating partners and testing everyone they meet. This only insures another miserable relationship. Hanging on to one of these reactions long after the betrayal means you need help to begin healing.
Take it as a lesson. Look at the possible causes of your partner’s behaviour and see if you could have avoided it. Now you know how betrayal hurts, think twice before betraying someone else, the one who gives her/his whole to you only to be dealt devastating pain.
Finally, you are bound to realise that this cycle would not have started had you kept communication lines open. No problem is overwhelming if there is communication and a motivation to make it work.
Commit to improving communication and dialogue in all your relationships. It is irresponsible to assume that if you are not good at communication, others will make allowances. It is your responsibility to know yourself, your feelings, your desires, your needs, and be able to communicate them. We are all capable of increasing our emotional intelligence and our ability to communicate it.
I don’t wish this on anyone. But if it ever happens to you, roll this wisdom in a piece of paper and smoke quietly on it.
The writer is a relationship counsellor
YOU better read this if you are in love or expect to be soon. Unfortunately, all lovers are candidates for betrayal. Right now, it seems like someone else’s problem. That is why when your turn comes, you are stunned!
The bad news is that you can never stop betrayal from happening, however loving, protective or aloof you are. And when it comes, you can never be ready enough. There is no limit to which a love can be betrayed. And, sometimes, the slap in the face can come from the most unexpected direction like a pastor, your parent, counsellor, or sibling! Someone whose loyalty you would never have doubted.
But there is good news too. You can survive it. You have to. You need to. And you are not entirely defenceless. You survive betrayal not by staying alive but by not allowing it to disorganise you.
Relationship counsellor and author of Love and Betrayal, John Amodeo, says the real tragedy of betrayal is not in the act of your Beloved. “It is in the effect of the betrayal, when people close down and become bitter towards life. We need to learn how to grieve the hurt so we can open our hearts again to another possibility, another relationship.â€
His book is about how to deal with betrayal so you don’t get stuck in blame, bitterness and cynicism. If you are in love now, jump on the truck and ride down the tricks lane of managing betrayal in love. The 10 point programme will also make you a better lover.
We all know we can be betrayed. But don’t let this interfere with your freedom to love. Some people never recover fully. They go on to love with a foot on the brake pedal. This not only hurts the next partner but also sets another foundation of partner dissatisfaction, which leads to more heartbreak.
Don’t withhold intimacy because you could be hurt. Love like you won’t be hurt. If you do get hurt again, you will feel the satisfaction of having done your best. You won’t wish you had done better.
I have heard slogans like a wise person leaves before s/he is left! What cowardice! In love, you are dealing with someone’s delicate heart. you cannot play games with it! It is better to be betrayed than betray. If we all resolved so, love would be a safer place. You want to be remembered as a person who tendered carefully for someone else’s heart.
You need social comfort or refuge in case of disappointment. While it is so important for people to feel safe with each other, we need to find or keep people, other than our lovers, we can feel safe and share our vulnerability with. In other words, don’t erase your closet friendships because you are too busy with a lover.
You will need them for solace when the love explodes in your face. You can love your partner fully without being totally dependent on that person. If they become your whole life and then leave you, you can be totally lost. However, if you have to develop other deep friendships, it must not be at the expense of the main relationship, whether it is a friend or a relative.
If the worst occurs and your partner breaks your heart, rise above your compulsions, avoid violence or any form of aggression or revenge. You cannot force anyone to love you. Don’t create scenes and wriggle in mud for sympathy. You wouldn’t want anybody to love you out of sympathy. Take it honourably and be strong.
Think again. Maybe it was better that the love ended. If an affair is destined to expire, the earlier it does, the better. Time increases commitment, investment and hope. A boyfriend who leaves before marriage is an easier heartbreak to handle than later when he has become a husband and abandons you for another woman.
No one can prescribe how to deal with heartbreak because it come in all forms and magnitude. Reactions to betrayal are similar to reactions to death. They may include shock and denial, shame and self-blame, hostility, anger, vengeance, jealousy, or seeking refuge in judgment and interpretation.
There are no wrong reactions in this grieving process, but some people get stuck. Getting stuck in hate may allow you to avoid feeling pain. Anger becomes armour. But after the shock wears off, anger remains. With it come a sense of shame, hurt, loss, regret and low self esteem. A need to get support and bond again leads many into hurrying into new relationships for revenge, for solace, to avoid loneliness and emptiness, which are wrong reasons to start a love affair.
There are proven aids that can help you handle the misfortune. Find some distraction like a sport, study, hobby or new cause to get you occupied. We can emerge from the pain with greater self-worth, reclaim our lives and learn to love and trust again.
Arise and shine again. Betrayal can erase our ability to ever trust again. Many people react by trying to shield themselves in ultimately destructive ways by withholding intimacy, manipulating partners and testing everyone they meet. This only insures another miserable relationship. Hanging on to one of these reactions long after the betrayal means you need help to begin healing.
Take it as a lesson. Look at the possible causes of your partner’s behaviour and see if you could have avoided it. Now you know how betrayal hurts, think twice before betraying someone else, the one who gives her/his whole to you only to be dealt devastating pain.
Finally, you are bound to realise that this cycle would not have started had you kept communication lines open. No problem is overwhelming if there is communication and a motivation to make it work.
Commit to improving communication and dialogue in all your relationships. It is irresponsible to assume that if you are not good at communication, others will make allowances. It is your responsibility to know yourself, your feelings, your desires, your needs, and be able to communicate them. We are all capable of increasing our emotional intelligence and our ability to communicate it.
I don’t wish this on anyone. But if it ever happens to you, roll this wisdom in a piece of paper and smoke quietly on it.
The writer is a relationship counsellor