Rejecting an unfaithful partner is not the answer to infidelity

By Anthony Olwoch

INFIDELITY is always devastating. When unearthed, both partners feel as though their world has collapsed. It causes intense emotional pain, depression, disbelief, anger, guilt and shame. Children, friendships and the extended family are usually hurt as well.

Because of the deep sense of betrayal, many couples opt to walk out of the marriage.

Since time immemorial, society’s endorsement of polygamous marriages has given men the liberty to explore areas beyond their marital bed.
When a man cheats, it is considered normal in many societies, and credited as proof of manhood.

But a woman’s promiscuity raises eyebrows and sometimes attracts the label of prostitute. The woman is expected to cope with a promiscuous husband regardless of the feelings of betrayal.

Ironically, when women cheat, most men immediately send them packing without making room for forgiveness and reconciliation, let alone trying to find the root cause of the problem.

David had been married for five years. He lived with some of his siblings, one of whom was having an affair with his wife, who was 12 years his junior. She found that she had more in common with his younger brother than with her husband.

The marriage and David’s relationship with his brother were shattered the day he stumbled on the lovers engrossed in acts that broke the laws that govern marriage.

But should the woman be judged more harshly than the man for committing the same marital offence?

Stephen Langa, the director of family life network and a marriage counsellor, says: “I think men need to ask themselves what caused the woman to stray before casting the first stone.”
Caroline, 37, says she had been married for seven years and had two children when she got involved in an extra-marital relationship.

For her, it was a quest to fill the void created by her husband’s failure to satisfy her emotional needs.

“My husband gradually became too busy with work and managing the family business. Though I loved him, I felt ignored since we no longer had time to talk, go for an outing or shopping together.

“When he returned home early, he spent most of his time watching news, a documentary or reading a newspaper. In the midst of my frustration, I met a man who rekindled feelings that had been dormant for a long time. He always listened to me and spoilt me with gifts.

“Soon we became so fond of each other and eventually could not resist the temptation to go to bed. I still love my husband and yet find it very difficult to stop the affair. I even secretly sought the help of a counsellor, but I have failed to overcome my feelings. I am at a crossroads and fear for the time my husband will discover my unfaithfulness.”

Tracy succumbed to the heat of the moment with a workmate after a couple of beers during an end of year party.
Though she terribly regretted the incident and withdrew totally from the affair, the damage was already done. She was pregnant.

Her husband loved her dearly and did not suspect that their second child belonged to another man. Tracy was afraid that her marriage would come to an end if her husband discovered the truth. Besides, she did not have the courage to confess her mistake and ask for forgiveness.

“When the boy was two years old, his real father confronted my husband, claiming his son. My husband could not bear the pain of betrayal and sent me packing without a second thought.”
Meanwhile, for Grace, it was domestic violence that sent her into the arms of a workmate who was sensitive to her feelings.

Her husband battered her mercilessly almost every night. Frustrated and desperately in need of tender loving care, she succumbed to the passes made by her workmate and walked out on her husband.

So, is it possible for the man to forgive his wife and seek reconciliation?
“Nobody is perfect. Men should not consider divorce as the first line of treatment. There needs to be a conscious decision to forgive and reconcile because love covers a multitude of sins,” says Langa.

“Some years ago, I counselled a married couple, where the wife had cheated and ended up becoming pregnant. After counselling, the man forgave his wife and even took on the responsibility of raising the doctor’s child.”

Grace Adong, a marriage counsellor, says honesty is a vital component of the solution to infidelity. Though opening up to your partner is difficult and can be very hard on the spouse, it is an important step towards reconciliation.

“To aid recovery of marriage, it is important for the woman to be honest with her husband so as to rebuild trust. The men should meet their spouse’s most important emotional needs to rekindle the love that had died out or grown cold.”

Joseph Musinguzi, of Rebuilding Broken Walls Counseling Services, says men should have quality time with their wives, listen to them and express their love in various ways so as to strengthen the bond between them and reduce the chances of extra-marital affairs.