Should you keep the friend who is trying to seduce your spouse?
YOU are in a romantic mood, relaxing with your wife, discussing matters of the soul. Then she drops the bombshell. Your best friend is trying to win her. She thought he would give up if she ignored him but he is persisting.
By Hilary Bainemigisha
YOU are in a romantic mood, relaxing with your wife, discussing matters of the soul. Then she drops the bombshell. Your best friend is trying to win her. She thought he would give up if she ignored him but he is persisting.
You grab your phone, call him and give him a piece of your mind! Or you grab your stick and confront the SOB. Or report him to his wife. Better still, you could write 10 big posters with: “Mike, leave my wife alone; you have yours. Hilary†, then hang the posters at major junctions in town.
That is what I call the landslide reaction. Let us rewind a bit: Your wife drops the bombshell, you are disappointed. But you calm yourself down and think about the best way forward.
What if you chose a wrong guy for a friend? What if your friend is actually in love with your wife? What if he misunderstood your wife’s friendly gestures as seduction? What if your wife is trying to make you jealous?
Or does she fear that Mike has destructive information about her and is now trying to block him from revealing it to you? So many variables!
The mature response to puzzles is, analyse first! In love, spontaneous responses of jealousy are usually risky. You may make a fool of yourself, swallow some else’s bait, clobber the wrong person or land yourself in jail.
The natural masculine animal instinct to infidelity (real or implied) is violence against the invader. But humans have a higher level discernment of issues that gives us an edge over animals. We need to hold back the natural compulsion of aggression and think through our possible responses.
And when you think about it, you find that the concept of wrong in the whole saga is debatable. Your friend may be wrong to seduce your wife, but you also erred in choosing a wrong friend.
Your wife too may have been wrong in giving him misleading indicators. And above all, it is not always that the wrong has to be punished. In modern society, the wrong may actually be in dire need of help.
I would recommend the following alternatives:
1. Do not attack your friend. Friends are human and while they may fail in one area, they will be more valuable in another. You are not going to travel to heaven to get angels. Once you know Mike’s failing, you can contain it but still harvest his other side of good – unless it isn’t there.
Then why did you become friends in the first place?
Losing a friendship should be a last resort. They come in handy even after your marriage has failed. It is a mistake to cut out friends because you are married.
2. First do your homework. It may not be true. But truth is rarely hidden successfully, so you will get to the bottom of it easily.
Follow up the allegation and get your own proof before you decide your next course of action.
3. Keep it a secret. A wrongdoer who thinks he is invisible relaxes his guard and is easily traceable. Just monitor and catch him in a manner that will teach him a lesson. Since you are suspicious, you would not be surprised if you caught him and that helps you avoid violence and immature reactions.
4. Let your friend learn from his mistake. You can plan with your wife to lure him into a trap but instead of violence, you two counsel him about respecting his friends’ marriages. When you let him go, he will either, out of shame, bolt out of your circles, or reform, repent and value your friendship better beacuse you had him where you could have destroyed him but chose to forgive him.
5. Do not blame your wife for your friend’s mistake even if you think she led him on. Thank her for letting you know and keep her informed of your next action. She had a reason for letting you know, so ignoring it may be misunderstood. Remember you are a team.
6. Explain to your wife the male natural response to feminine gestures. Usually, a woman trying to be courteous to her husband’s friend may be misinterpreted to be seductive. Explain ways of being courteous without giving off wrong signals. Agree that her duty is to reject advances of all other men.
7. Change your strategy. Entrusting your wife with friends is very tempting.
Stop discussing your marriage problems or your wives’ sexual prowess with friends who can take advantage of the information. You have elders and parents to confer sensitive issues with.
8. Work on your marriage. Public display of affection gives the impression that your love is strong and fortified.
Hold hands, call each other endearing names, serve each other and be exceptionally courteous where your wife is concerned. This may be a deterrent to friends who may have a vulture instinct.
9. Choose friends carefully. Friends can build or destroy you. Look for people who are prudent and developmental, self respecting and respected, honest, have integrity, are caring as well as intelligent and foresighted. It also helps you aspire to be as successful.
10. Be a good example. If your friends see you philandering, or defending adultery or suspect you of eyeing their wives, they may think your wife is available and seek revenge.
YOU are in a romantic mood, relaxing with your wife, discussing matters of the soul. Then she drops the bombshell. Your best friend is trying to win her. She thought he would give up if she ignored him but he is persisting.
You grab your phone, call him and give him a piece of your mind! Or you grab your stick and confront the SOB. Or report him to his wife. Better still, you could write 10 big posters with: “Mike, leave my wife alone; you have yours. Hilary†, then hang the posters at major junctions in town.
That is what I call the landslide reaction. Let us rewind a bit: Your wife drops the bombshell, you are disappointed. But you calm yourself down and think about the best way forward.
What if you chose a wrong guy for a friend? What if your friend is actually in love with your wife? What if he misunderstood your wife’s friendly gestures as seduction? What if your wife is trying to make you jealous?
Or does she fear that Mike has destructive information about her and is now trying to block him from revealing it to you? So many variables!
The mature response to puzzles is, analyse first! In love, spontaneous responses of jealousy are usually risky. You may make a fool of yourself, swallow some else’s bait, clobber the wrong person or land yourself in jail.
The natural masculine animal instinct to infidelity (real or implied) is violence against the invader. But humans have a higher level discernment of issues that gives us an edge over animals. We need to hold back the natural compulsion of aggression and think through our possible responses.
And when you think about it, you find that the concept of wrong in the whole saga is debatable. Your friend may be wrong to seduce your wife, but you also erred in choosing a wrong friend.
Your wife too may have been wrong in giving him misleading indicators. And above all, it is not always that the wrong has to be punished. In modern society, the wrong may actually be in dire need of help.
I would recommend the following alternatives:
1. Do not attack your friend. Friends are human and while they may fail in one area, they will be more valuable in another. You are not going to travel to heaven to get angels. Once you know Mike’s failing, you can contain it but still harvest his other side of good – unless it isn’t there.
Then why did you become friends in the first place?
Losing a friendship should be a last resort. They come in handy even after your marriage has failed. It is a mistake to cut out friends because you are married.
2. First do your homework. It may not be true. But truth is rarely hidden successfully, so you will get to the bottom of it easily.
Follow up the allegation and get your own proof before you decide your next course of action.
3. Keep it a secret. A wrongdoer who thinks he is invisible relaxes his guard and is easily traceable. Just monitor and catch him in a manner that will teach him a lesson. Since you are suspicious, you would not be surprised if you caught him and that helps you avoid violence and immature reactions.
4. Let your friend learn from his mistake. You can plan with your wife to lure him into a trap but instead of violence, you two counsel him about respecting his friends’ marriages. When you let him go, he will either, out of shame, bolt out of your circles, or reform, repent and value your friendship better beacuse you had him where you could have destroyed him but chose to forgive him.
5. Do not blame your wife for your friend’s mistake even if you think she led him on. Thank her for letting you know and keep her informed of your next action. She had a reason for letting you know, so ignoring it may be misunderstood. Remember you are a team.
6. Explain to your wife the male natural response to feminine gestures. Usually, a woman trying to be courteous to her husband’s friend may be misinterpreted to be seductive. Explain ways of being courteous without giving off wrong signals. Agree that her duty is to reject advances of all other men.
7. Change your strategy. Entrusting your wife with friends is very tempting.
Stop discussing your marriage problems or your wives’ sexual prowess with friends who can take advantage of the information. You have elders and parents to confer sensitive issues with.
8. Work on your marriage. Public display of affection gives the impression that your love is strong and fortified.
Hold hands, call each other endearing names, serve each other and be exceptionally courteous where your wife is concerned. This may be a deterrent to friends who may have a vulture instinct.
9. Choose friends carefully. Friends can build or destroy you. Look for people who are prudent and developmental, self respecting and respected, honest, have integrity, are caring as well as intelligent and foresighted. It also helps you aspire to be as successful.
10. Be a good example. If your friends see you philandering, or defending adultery or suspect you of eyeing their wives, they may think your wife is available and seek revenge.