Crushes are a fact of life and your kids will get them
Jun 04, 2010
IT was my mum who recognised my first crush. I was a very difficult 11-year old, desperate for teddy bears, beautiful dolls and running to the neighbours to play with toys that lay in what they called the children’s room.
By Precious Twegumye
IT was my mum who recognised my first crush. I was a very difficult 11-year old, desperate for teddy bears, beautiful dolls and running to the neighbours to play with toys that lay in what they called the children’s room.
Whenever my girlfriends and I played family, I fought to act as mother so I could get to hold all the toys as my children. Then one day, my elder brother, who was then at university, brought his friend Harry home for study discussions. I never went back to the neighbours.
I had discovered the word handsome; it meant Harry. He was often in sagging jeans and had these white teeth each time he smiled.
He was so tall and so clean, I always thought. I habitually wanted him to notice me, would hang around him and detract their discussions which frequently angered my brother off.
My mother noticed how much I liked this guy and tried to divert my attention by making me busy with chores each time Harry came home. She even started taking me for walks, which coincided with Harry’s visits.
Then she told me that Harry was an old man with kids and I wouldn’t want to have my dad’s agemate for a friend. Today, I am 23 and when I look at Harry, 45, I remember my first crush and laugh. But I still think my mother should have handled it differently.
A crush is a sense of passionate attraction towards someone of the opposite sex, according to Paul Nyende, a lecturer in the Department of Mental Health and Community Psychology at Makerere University.
“It only involves emotions of passion towards that person and no feelings of intimacy or commitment. When that happens, it becomes infatuation, which is what people call a crush,†Nyende explained.
Nyende says children start encountering sexual emotions by the age of ten and by 11, they may start getting intimate feelings towards some individuals.
“It is just that parents think their children are too young to be advised about sex-related issues. That is why many never get to find out when their children are having a crush,†he said.
David Gumisiriza, 34, a media practitioner, argues that being open about crushes is a western concept.
“In Africa, parents rarely even realise that their children are having a crush. They would even punish the children for any such expressions. So, the feelings are subdued and usually expressed outside home or in schoolâ€, he said.
He, however, remembers his first crush at the age 12 over a woman in her early 20s then. She died in 2005.
“She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen then. I felt this warmth towards her. It was special. I saw her again when I was 30, she was in her early 40s, and still liked her a lot but I never told her about it,†he admitted.
Nyende advises parents to note that when children get these crushes, it does not mean they are already having sex. “It is a natural instinct to be curious and explore.
“It is more of a rehearsal and the start of interpersonal relationships but it changes ground and rules in late adolescence,†he said.
He, however, notes that not all crushes are in vain. Some relationships may start as a crush and work out as intimacy takes over from passion. The two get on to know each other and commit. But when passion overrides, it usually fades quickly.
Dennis Baba, 24, an employee at an IT consultancy firm in Kampala, says his first crush was in senior two on a girl called Cathy in the same class. “I would feel so jealous when other guys talked to her but I lacked the confidence to do it myself. We never met again since high school till around six months ago. I met her on the streets of Kampala with a child and it was incredible!
“She looked different and I didn’t regret not having told her.†Goretti Oluka, 57, a retired nurse, says she doesn’t remember noticing crushes among her children.
But when they were adolescents, issues and questions about sex would arise and it would be uncomfortable answering them. “So, I decided to gather all of them one evening and gave a one-off talk about it so that I may never be bother again, explaining this and that,†she said.
Prof. Edward Kirumira, a sociologist, says crushes are normal and natural. The dean of Faculty of Social Sciences at Makerere University adds that while they are natural instinct, humans have the capacity to think rationally and manage instincts.
“A crush is the first stage of being attracted to another of the opposite sex,†said Kirumira. “At this point one starts to process their feelings and emotions to find out if a relationship will arise.â€
He advises parents to be on the look out amongst their children and guide them as ‘friends’ on how to handle the situation and discover if the crush would lead into something more.
IT was my mum who recognised my first crush. I was a very difficult 11-year old, desperate for teddy bears, beautiful dolls and running to the neighbours to play with toys that lay in what they called the children’s room.
Whenever my girlfriends and I played family, I fought to act as mother so I could get to hold all the toys as my children. Then one day, my elder brother, who was then at university, brought his friend Harry home for study discussions. I never went back to the neighbours.
I had discovered the word handsome; it meant Harry. He was often in sagging jeans and had these white teeth each time he smiled.
He was so tall and so clean, I always thought. I habitually wanted him to notice me, would hang around him and detract their discussions which frequently angered my brother off.
My mother noticed how much I liked this guy and tried to divert my attention by making me busy with chores each time Harry came home. She even started taking me for walks, which coincided with Harry’s visits.
Then she told me that Harry was an old man with kids and I wouldn’t want to have my dad’s agemate for a friend. Today, I am 23 and when I look at Harry, 45, I remember my first crush and laugh. But I still think my mother should have handled it differently.
A crush is a sense of passionate attraction towards someone of the opposite sex, according to Paul Nyende, a lecturer in the Department of Mental Health and Community Psychology at Makerere University.
“It only involves emotions of passion towards that person and no feelings of intimacy or commitment. When that happens, it becomes infatuation, which is what people call a crush,†Nyende explained.
Nyende says children start encountering sexual emotions by the age of ten and by 11, they may start getting intimate feelings towards some individuals.
“It is just that parents think their children are too young to be advised about sex-related issues. That is why many never get to find out when their children are having a crush,†he said.
David Gumisiriza, 34, a media practitioner, argues that being open about crushes is a western concept.
“In Africa, parents rarely even realise that their children are having a crush. They would even punish the children for any such expressions. So, the feelings are subdued and usually expressed outside home or in schoolâ€, he said.
He, however, remembers his first crush at the age 12 over a woman in her early 20s then. She died in 2005.
“She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen then. I felt this warmth towards her. It was special. I saw her again when I was 30, she was in her early 40s, and still liked her a lot but I never told her about it,†he admitted.
Nyende advises parents to note that when children get these crushes, it does not mean they are already having sex. “It is a natural instinct to be curious and explore.
“It is more of a rehearsal and the start of interpersonal relationships but it changes ground and rules in late adolescence,†he said.
He, however, notes that not all crushes are in vain. Some relationships may start as a crush and work out as intimacy takes over from passion. The two get on to know each other and commit. But when passion overrides, it usually fades quickly.
Dennis Baba, 24, an employee at an IT consultancy firm in Kampala, says his first crush was in senior two on a girl called Cathy in the same class. “I would feel so jealous when other guys talked to her but I lacked the confidence to do it myself. We never met again since high school till around six months ago. I met her on the streets of Kampala with a child and it was incredible!
“She looked different and I didn’t regret not having told her.†Goretti Oluka, 57, a retired nurse, says she doesn’t remember noticing crushes among her children.
But when they were adolescents, issues and questions about sex would arise and it would be uncomfortable answering them. “So, I decided to gather all of them one evening and gave a one-off talk about it so that I may never be bother again, explaining this and that,†she said.
Prof. Edward Kirumira, a sociologist, says crushes are normal and natural. The dean of Faculty of Social Sciences at Makerere University adds that while they are natural instinct, humans have the capacity to think rationally and manage instincts.
“A crush is the first stage of being attracted to another of the opposite sex,†said Kirumira. “At this point one starts to process their feelings and emotions to find out if a relationship will arise.â€
He advises parents to be on the look out amongst their children and guide them as ‘friends’ on how to handle the situation and discover if the crush would lead into something more.